Snow days and growing up

Something about waking up to the hush that comes about on a snowy morning turns me into a giddy 8 year old inside. I love it. Not that I rush right out and jump in it like I used to. Being older and crabby about getting cold and wet gets in the way. (What is it about getting older that makes us more susceptible to the weather extremes?) I did however get up at 6:30 and take my dog out. It is endlessly amusing to watch a stubby legged dog try and come to terms with the cold, wet, sticking to his legs quality of snow. (It is also a lot harder to pick up after your pet in the snow, especially when it's still dark outside, because it melts down into the snow and you have to plunge your hand in after it.)

The other amusing thing about waking up to snow that wasn't there the night before is not the sounds of delight emanating from the neighbor kids outside, but the flood of texts I got from grown people exclaiming and heralding the snow. Some from co-workers out of joy for an unexpected day off. Others from people whom I would have expected to be asleep talking about wishes for snow coming true. My mother called what feels like 8 or 9 times to check on us. (In reality it was only twice I think, and both times she had other reasons for calling but still. "Did you see the snow!?") I sat and watched the snow on my back porch very early this morning and drank some tea and realized that I must be at least a little more grown up that I used to be because when I was a child, I would look at it and think "Well, I don't know about all the beauty crap the adults are talking about, but it's going to need to snow a lot more before there is enough for the snow fort!" Now that I am considered an adult I look at the snow and think to myself how beautiful it is. And THEN consider forts, snow ball fights and snow angels.

Facebook statuses are primarily about snow, hot chocolate, and maybe a few gripes about having to work in it. I heard my neighbor upstairs singing a song about the joy of snow days while her children chanted for hot chocolate. I may or may not have thrown a snow ball or two at the kids outside, and may or may not have thrown some at my dog just to watch him run wild in confusion and joy.

It may be less than an inch on the ground, and it may be almost entirely gone by noon, but I love that something so simple can elicit so much joy in people.

I love this time of year. I love the smell and sound of rain, I love the cool temperatures, I love the seasonal food coming available. I love the natural inclination to reflect. I love that this all coincides with my birthday, a logical time to reflect, with a season that is symbolic of certain things coming to an end and other new beginnings.

Today I am all by myself at home. In my yoga pants and sweatshirt, drinking tea and slowly doing some house work. The last week has been a stressful one, but has brought about some much needed change and questions. I ended a professional relationship with a client, which at first brought tremendous feelings of failure and guilt, but when settled in with, brought a huge sense of relief. I love being a health coach, but I need to refocus myself a but, and refine exactly who and how I want to help. It was my first full week at the part time job I took working with children. It was wonderful and tiring. I am not used to having to be up and presentable and at work by 7am. That is a dreadfully early time for me and my mind/body, which is part of the appeal of being self employed. But I love the people I work with and for, I love that I get paid to remember how to play and I love that it will provide some financial stability while I wade through this professional swamp I put myself in the middle of. Most of all, I love that I am off work in time to pick up Em from school and spend my afternoons with her. But, after a full week of it, I am exhausted.

All of the stress and change and changing of my mind left me in a bit of a funk the last few weeks. Well, more than just a bit of a funk, in a huge funk. But Friday came and found me ready to float out of it. My work day brought me laughter, my afternoon brought me some time to myself to organize my surroundings physically in order to make space mentally, and my evening brought me the company of a wonderful person who reminded me how to feel joyful about who I am. And to feel pretty. (I am comfortable enough now to be ok admitting that I like to feel pretty.)

My birthday is in a few weeks, and while turning 29 does not usually lead to a lot of re-evaluation and contemplation as 30 does in most people, I find myself spending a lot of time the last few days looking back at what I had expected to do with my 20's, and where I anticipated being as I stepped into my 30's. On the whole, I am not too upset with where I am, I am happy with my life. I think most of all, I am craving certain kinds of stability. None of this is new, but it is on my mind. Financial stability is something I continue to work towards, and probably always will because it doesn't seem a wise thing to just shirk that off. But also, stability that comes along with a solid community of people. Yes, I have my church community, my friends, but when I look at all the people dearest to my heart, they are scattered across the globe like seeds to the wind. I have started to focus a lot more on my immediate community, and working on finding people here, now, that feel like good people to align with, to care for, to laugh with, and to love.

As my daughter continues to grow, being a mom is an incredible gift. I enjoy her so much more than I think I ever thoughts parents could. Is that weird? That I thought that? Seeing her make her bold statements to the world around her inspires me to be more courageous and confident.

Yes, there are things I would like to change, to overcome, to repair. But as I look back on the last year of my life, I can say with confidence that this is the first time in my life that my problems and my stress don't encompass all of me. They don't define me, they don't rule my moods and decisions as much as they used to, and they don't sap my happiness. I am happy. And I love that.

I know I say this a lot, but it is so very true. I have a blessed life.

There are times in my life where the words seems to flow endlessly out of me. Onto paper, into a computer, into someone else, into the air. They never stop. An endless train of consciousness or something like it. An incessant need to try and relate the experience of life in words that never seem to do it justice.

And then there are times when even if I try, no words will come because the emotion has welled up so intensely that the words fall away and all I need is to sit and feel. To observe. To witness. To be. It is in moments like these that my mind stops and my hearts bursts with gratefulness and joy for all that I have been given. Even the struggles are blessings in moments like these.

Summer is passing so quickly. One snapshot after the other in my mind of life the last few months. Emily is growing so fast. She now reads some of the bedtime story, and has lost her first two teeth recently. We have been spending a lot of time at the park playing, and by we, I mean her and her friends. I am the mom sitting on the bench realizing how fast my daughter is hurtling towards the point of not needing me as much as I need her. I find joy in her confidence in life, mingled with a little sadness that I couldn't have slowed it all down and enjoyed it more.

I worry about my mother more and more all the time. And my father. It's funny and discomforting to watch the process as you grow of your parents going from all-knowing, protecting giants to smaller, weaker, more insecure individuals. My father took that fall a lot faster in my eyes than my mom, and for very different, self-created reasons. But my mom, life has battered up and down and she is still there, still treading or moving on. Whether she's smiling or crying she is still living and moving and working towards a better life. I am proud of her. But it's an odd sensation to be on the side of life where I no longer expect shelter from her regardless of my struggles and also feel compelled to shelter and protect her.

I have amazing people in my life, and my mother is among the most amazing. Someday, I will write about her life.

Life is surrounding me with love. Friends that do stupid things just to see me smile, who drive impossible distances to eat ice cream on my couch and color with crayons, friends who throw aside their "adult maturity and pride" to watch stupid movies with me, friends who support me however I may need it in the blink of an eye and unquestioningly. And most recently, a man who will drive over in the middle of the night and bring me ice cream and sit up with me after I have eaten something I am allergic to, just so I don't panic about being alone if something really bad happens, who tells me how incredible he thinks I am, and who will do goofy things with me just for the sake of being silly and assinine.

I am working with my first client, and it's very awesome. Some Great Spirit is throwing me spiritual experiences left and right to pry open my eyes, my heart, my mind. My dog intuitively knows when to cuddle and when to give me space. My kitchen is full of food, my house is full of love.

Life is SO very good.

Canine Awesomeness

So we have this dog. And at first, he was more for my daughter, but I have to admit I have quite fallen for the little bugger. And, apparently, he is smart.

So, at my house, there isn't much privacy, and usually when it is just my daughter and I, the bathroom door never gets shut. (I know, I know, too much information for some of you, but whatever.) But having this little dog stare at you while you pee is a little unnerving. So for the first few months he was with us, I would shoo him out of the bathroom and he would slink out with a sad look on his face. (And yes, I am quite aware the easy thing to do would be to just shut the damn door.)

But now?

He still follows me on my heels to the bathroom, but he will stop at the doorway, turn his back to the bathroom and politely wait.

I think that setting our intentions is a valuable exercise in life. They are a little different that New Years Resolutions. Which is good because I don't really ever make those. But setting intentions is putting out into the Universe what you are wanting to cultivate and work towards in your life. And I have some big ones right now.

1) I am going to become more financially stable over the next 12 months. I am going to do this by being open and available for any means of making/receiving money that align with my values. I will start looking for a part time job that fits my schedule and isn't flipping burgers at a fast food joint. And I am opening my own health coaching business this summer.

2) I am going to get the most out of this awesome education that I have the opportunity to receive.

3) I am only going to let the energy that I need and is beneficial to me into my life.

I think that is enough for now. There are birds singing outside and taunting me to come out and play...

Thanksgiving wrapped in small revelations.

I can't really say that I "went home" for Thanksgiving because my dad's house has never really been my home. Especially since he got remarried. But it IS my dad's house, so that is sort of like going home, right?

A lot of people don't know that I have this other part of my family that is really wonderful, like my three sisters, my quirky grandmother, and my colorful array of cousins. The few that do know about my family on my dad's side know a little about the really uncomfortable situations, some of the drama, and a lot of my personal feelings and hesitations about the whole mess. To make it all really short, my step mom and I didn't really hit it off, and I quit staying there when I was about 15. (Quit envisioning screaming matches and one of us storming out though, it was more of a fade into the background as quickly as possible sort of transition.) Since then I have been back to that town on average of every 3 years. I spent a lot of time growing up being angry at my dad for not trying to make things better, and trying to hate or love my step mother. But the older I get, the less I do that. It's really nice. Yes, they have their down falls, but so do I. Oh lord, do I. About a year or so ago, I realized that I have forgiven them. It was such a relief to let it all go. And it completely changes the way I approach time with them now.

It's an odd sort of detached feeling that I was processing for most of the visit. I was a stranger among my own family. We have so successfully alienated each other, whether intentionally or not, that I don't really know them, they don't really know me. It is almost like participating in a foreign exchange homestay, with the added awkwardness and pretenses that come with being among family you don't know, but feel like you really should. I realized that a lot of my assupmptions or experiences with them may not be true anymore and it makes me wonder how they view me and my lifestyle. Honestly, I don't think I care too terribly much because I am at a point where I am happy and don't feel the need to justify much of my life to anyone. (Not that I wouldn't explain if asked in the right context...)

As I observed the little every day rituals they partake in, I realized how incredibly curious it all makes me. I wouldn't say jealous or envious, but curious. What is it like to be a teenage girl in a home where your dad comes to your room to say goodnight every evening, where family game night really happens, where your friends are welcome and frequent guests at the dinner table, and where everyone gathers to say a blessing before dinner? What is it like to come of age in a town where your basketball coach is also the sheriff and a member of your ward in church? A town where you can walk almost anywhere from your house? To grow up in a house with two parents there? I can't even fathom some of these things. I can see ups and downs in all of them, just as I can in the way I was raised, but it amazes me. It's all so....traditional, in a warm, peaceful sort of way. What is it like when there aren't people visiting? Is it still so happy and smooth going? Does it all still make sense or is it more of a burden or mask?

I left knowing these things 1) My dad is such a caring and sentimental person it makes me cry to think about. 2) My sisters are all so beautiful it's heartbreaking and smart that it's intimidating, but all in their own unique way. 3) My step mom works harder than anyone I know. She never stops. 4) The grandmother that never seems to age and always feels familiar has definitely aged, and didn't seem to know me at all. (One sign that things in that small town do change.) 5) I want to be a bigger part of it.

autumn is something I love

I love autumn. This season is my favorite. It is still warm enough to be at the tail end of a growing season so there is fresh produce. The leaves are turning making the street look like they are lined with fire, you can almost hear the sigh of the earth drinking in the rain we have all been waiting all summer for, and it is warm, but not too warm. Mornings and evenings call for tea or hot chocolate drunk to the sound of rain falling, daytime consists of puddle jumping and exploring the new wet world (when school isn't swallowing our faces whole). Something about the darkness that is growing ever closer brings out the homemaker in me even more so than she is usually present. I begin baking my bread with a renewed vigor, I have elaborate comfort food meal plans (half of which may even make it to my table), and this year, I will add cheesemaking to that winter to-do list.

I have always loved this time of year, but having my daughter with me makes it all the more enjoyable. "Momma, look at the leaves, they are beautiful! I see red, and orange, and green, and purple, and they sound like rain when they all fall like that!" Yesterday we spent the day out at our favorite arboretum where we dutifully monitored the lily pond from frog eggs, to tadpoles, to full blown frogs. While our usual hike was out of the question due to trail restoration, we went for a walk along the river. My kid notices an impressive amount of detail about nature. That the tiny fish that were there in July are gone, the water level has risen, the crickets sound different. It is like rediscovering the world all over again. I love it. Emily's favorite game when we are outside is to play "I Spy". This started out as a time-passer on the bus to and from school, but it has evolved into a game to see who can notice the most unique and minute details about the world around us. The texture of bark or leaves, the scent of pine needles. The proud mom in me bursts when I watch the inventiveness and intelligence she throws into this game, often times stumping me and leading me to discover things that I would have never noticed.

And, on a different note, my mom is moving out in three days.

At what point in life do the tables turn and we become our parents keepers? I signed no note of consent, received no disclaimers nor a heads up. I just somehow find myself in these moments of life where I am coaching mine through moments that feel familiar to what they have once done, or should have done, for me. How bittersweet. I am happy that I can return the support I received growing up. But it is exhausting sometimes. Sometimes, I don't want to play the calm one, I want to throw my hands up in the air, let out a breath of exasperation, or roll my eyes. I want to be the one seeking the solace, I want to be the one being completely honest about what it is that I think I want, or what it is I am scared of. But the truth is, I am scared to. Because what if what I am wanting is exactly what will hurt them the most? How do I reconcile the parts of me that want my family close and familiar with the part that is screaming and begging for a little more space/independence/trust/faith of my own? They don't seem to be compatible at all.

It is then that I take a deep breath and realize that what being in the position of parental guidance provider means is that I have reached a point in life where I am closer to what I would call "stable". And suddenly it isn't so much of a burden, but brings peace into my soul. I CAN do this because I am confident enough in who I am and what I am trying to do with my life that I can provide the love and support to other people. The challenge comes in honoring myself at the same time and stopping to appreciate the moments unbidden that give me a moments quiet reflection to appreciate all that I have, all that I am, and all that is part of life.

I would be lying if I said I didn't get overwhelmed by my living situation. It is crowded. But I have gained a perspective into who my mother is that I would have never gotten elsewhere and while I may get really frustrated sometimes, I don't think I would change it or trade the experience for anything. And I am always in flux as to how I would like my father to stand in my life, but from his misgivings and mistakes I have had a constant visible reminder of what living in fear will do to a person. He may be the most unhealthy person I know, but he is still my father. I can't run away from that, although I have spent the better half of the last 27 years trying. I am always closer to accepting the fact that he isn't the type of father that I would have chosen had I been given the chance, but maybe he is the one I needed in this life in order to learn something. (Or maybe I just got the shit end of the stick...)

For now though, I am sensing a need to focus on me, how I mother to my wonderful child, and the work I do in this world.

This morning I took Em on a hike at a beautiful place about an hour outside of town. There is supposed to be falls everywhere, but she opted for the other trail that led away from them. We spent two hours exploring the woods, building fairy homes out of sticks and fallen leaves and counting bugs. She delighted at the centipede sighting, rescued slugs from the trail of dead pine needles stuck to their hind ends and pondered what animals live there. She chased butterflies, talked to birds, and admired flowers. My child became an explorer, a trail guide, and a mountain woman. We sat and ate lunch and she told me to stop and listen to the tree music.

It was beautiful.

The Morning After

I. Am. Exhausted.

One of the neighbors last night gave all the kids sparklers, and we lit off Em's fireworks for everyone because Emily will be at her dad's on the 4th.

The girls drifted off around 11pm last night, after watching The Wizard of Oz in the princess tent in the living room and the obligatory whisper session of secrets. At one point Emily asked "Mom, do we get to whisper in the tent?"

"Yes dear, it's not a sleep over if you can't tell secrets in the tent!"

I sang them to sleep and collapsed on the couch where I slept until they were up at 6am, and then again at 7am. Somehow that feels so much earlier when there are two children here and one of them isn't mine. Today has been a bi-polar friendship day with bouts of "We're sisters!" and "No-thats mine and I don't want you to touch it!" We went to the park for two and a half hours and as we got home the bickering reached a breaking point in which I banished them each to their own couch for a rest time where they proceeded to wiggle and whisper and bicker some more. I put on some George Winston to no avail. Just when I had given up hope I noticed an odd hush fell over the house. Everyone but me is asleep.

Divine.

Summer awesome

Nat King Cole is wafting through the sunny living/dining room, the breeze is blowing gently. Dinner is finished (homemade pizza with garlic whistles, chard, heirloom tomatoes, mushrooms and mozzerella with strawberry lemonade to wash it down). Em has a friend over for a sleepover and I can hear them playing house on the back porch. Later we will make stove top popcorn and cowboy sodas.

Sometimes summer is just so awesome and perfect.

Sometimes life is grand.

My five year old woke up this morning next to me and without even saying good morning proclaimed "My fairy godmother is here, I just know it! Auntie Nessa is here, mom!" And bounded out of the bedroom and into the living room to find she was right. Her eyes were huge with excitement and she danced and bounced in place in front of Auntie Nessa and started formulating plans in her head of what will be done.

They spent the morning making baby paper cranes to go with her mommy one that I stumbled through making yesterday (and kept my swearing to a minimum.) Auntie Nessa makes them with much more grace than I do. I made pancakes and smoothies and we lit the breakfast chalice and ate together.

Emily said "Mom, I want to go on a walk with just Auntie Nessa, not you, is that ok?" They just bounded down the sidewalk and out of sight as I stared and sighed. I feel so blessed to have an Auntie Nessa in our lives. To have THE Auntie Nessa in our lives. I think every parent, especially single parents need at least one friend like her. The one that knows you so well you don't have to talk but you do because it's enjoyable. Who is in sync with your parenting style to the point where they can step in when needed with no anxiety or worries. One who is so in love with your child that you can see it in her smile and eyes. And one whom your child is absolutely giddy at the mention of. Being around her makes being a parent even more enjoyable and relaxed.

I feel blessed.

More and more I am finding parts of life I have been longing for. Isn't that great?

Yesterday I spent the day at the grassroots garden, a community garden here in town that grows organic produce for the local food bank. I have been there a few times with Em and it was a blast, she got a kick out spreading manure on the broccoli. "It's poooooooop mommy!" This time I went by myself. One of the great things about this garden is the outdoor kitchen in which they cook lunch for the volunteers everyday. Most of the food used comes from the garden itself, and it is always delicious! (They have a cob oven they use for pizza sometimes too...) Yesterday I spent my whole day in the kitchen, getting to know the garden coordinator and talking about feeding people. It was marvelous. This woman has so much passion for the work she does that you cannot stand next to her and remain in a lack-luster mood. By the end of the day I landed myself an Americorps intern postion as the kitchen coordinator in exchange for school scholarship money. Fabulous!

I have changed my major, and while I worry that I may never stay with something long enough to finish a degree, this truly feels like the right place to be. I have been sitting in this global health class all term, learning about these incredibly urgent issues threatening the health of people and the environment, and the more I learn, the less making a phone call or signing a petition satisfies the need in me to do something about it all. I will be transferring to Oregon State University next spring to get a bachelors in health promotion and education and a minor in sociology, then a masters in teaching (high school and college levels). I want to teach, I always have, and I want to make an impact on these things threatening the emotional and physical well-being of us all. This combines my need to do something, with my spiritual passion, my passion for teaching, and is something that will keep me in a constant state of learning. I am very excited to see what the next few years bring me.

I have also recently resigned my position on the district board of directors through my church, and have taken on an adult advising role within the district youth leadership community. I feel this was an important step for me as I have always felt a passion for providing such a wonderful community for our youth, and a need to do such as it is the community that helped foster my own spiritual and personal development as a youth. I am looking forward to seeing what this brings into my life as well.

I have also been more dedicated to my personal health than in the recent past. It helps that this time of year fresh produce is abundant. I am working on cutting out processed sugars. She's a temptress, she is. I am still doing yoga and am adding in a more well rounded workout schedule/exercise/active time as well, and I feel so much better. Partly because it is intentional 'me' time, but also, I really need to just get off my ass more. I am thinking about joining a volleyball or soccer team through the city. Although, I have never played soccer....

And yay for three day weekends!

Mom is awesome FTW!

I rock at this whole sleep over thing, for the record. But I am beginning to understand why my mother never wanted to let me have sleep overs. They are exhausting! The girls didn't really settle down until 10:30 last night, daughter was asleep by 11, and friend was asleep by midnight after I sang and rubbed her back to help her relax a little. I collapsed onto the couch in exhaustion and was woken up at 5am by energetic kids! It was my only grumpy moment in which I snapped "Too early-lay down and go back to sleep!" I was a lot nicer every half hour after that when I gently reminded them it was ass early. We finally got up at 8am, which was still too early. I know I am getting old when I wake up in pain after sleeping on the couch.

Breakfast, my favorite meal of the day, was kick ass vegan pancakes that had the right amount of cinnamon and maple syrup baked into them, and a berry smoothie. Awesome. Today? We are headed to the humane society to visit with animals and a birthday party at one.

Then-nap time...

sleepover magic

My daughter is having her first sleep over tonight here at home. She invited her best friend from pre-k, yes the one she alternately loves and fights with faster than she changes her attitude sometimes. So far? We are doing good. We met her friend and friends mom in the park this afternoon for the exchange, and I had an excellent time talking to her mother. I love that recently I am finding more and more moms that not only have similar parenting styles as me, but lifestyles as well. Its....comforting.

Now, I was a little nervous about daughters choice in friends. What with the fighting like sisters thing. But so far we are good. They played nicely, friend complimented me on my wonderful cooking, and we made shakes out of vegan coconut ice cream and blueberries for dessert. Right now they are laying in the princess tent set up in the living room, whispering and giggling to themselves like I can't hear. It's adorable. And too cute to get frustrated and tell them to go to sleep. Plus, I remember the magic of laying awake late with friends and feeling like we were getting away with something while sharing our secrets. I can't squash that, that is one of the best parts of sleep overs.

Daughter has been WAY into boys lately. It's a little anxiety inducing. I wasn't expecting this for some while now. This evening she was "on the phone" with her "boyfriend" and telling him "You were supposed to be here at 8:30, where are you? You aren't MY boyfriend anymore!" I am not sure what worries me more, the fact that she then noticed the "handsome teenage boys" on the lawn, or the fact that she is so demanding and impatient with her current "boyfriend".

The giggling coming from the princess tent is just way too cute for me. It makes my heart squishy.

My experiences in life have taught me a lot about what love is NOT. Or what it's not supposed to be rather. I am grateful for all of these experiences but sometimes I wonder if this has created a hurdle to finding what love is. I am not saying that my life isn't full of love, because I have an abundance of it. But as I reflect back on the healthier serious relationships I have had, I can see that the fear and pain coming from the unhealthy ones took hold when things got rough and definitely affected the way I deal with things. I do not stick around very long when things get hard, I tend to run instead of examining what may be causing my emotion or lack thereof.

Recently someone has come back into my life that I walked away from and never looked back. Well, never looked back until I was looking at him in the face and something inside of me cracked. Is giving a relationship a second chance being too optimistic? Am I being a fool in thinking that it's worth a shot?

I realize more and more that I have some unhealthy communication habits that I use to protect myself. What I can't rationalize or even find, is what I am protecting myself from. I am beginning to think that maybe second chances are worth it. It'd be foolish to walk away again from something that feels right just because I am scared of the issues within myself that it is going to force me to face. The challenge comes in not blaming everything on that and not seeing the fact that its not going to work if it comes to that point. Oy.

Allowing time to slow down.

Nothing is more satisfying that the contented sigh that floats out of my daughters body when she is truly happy.  I live for creating the kind of environment around her that elicits that.  As summer approaches I find myself yearning for long sunny days in which there is time to explore the world with her at her leisure.  I long to spend days in the woods exploring the bugs she is so interested in and teaching her how to grow things.  I look forward to the opportunity just be with her.  No classes to get to, no minimum hour requirement at day care to meet for the head start grant.  Just her and I and a world of possibility.  

This summer I have elected not to take any REAL classes.  And by this I mean that I am not taking any classes in which I actually have to be in a classroom.  I am going to be registering for all online classes.  I can't really afford not to take classes if I want to be able to apply for my program this year, but I couldn't stand the thought of another summer going by with me and my child in a classroom and not spending time together.  Lately I have had this desperate feeling of time slipping away from underneath me faster than it usually does and the instinct to just savor what is in front of me right now.  So I am choosing to honor that in allowing myself to move at a slower pace and enjoy being a parent, enjoy living in this wonderful area and relish in the pleasure that comes from honoring the development and needs of my amazing little girl.  

Inch by Inch...

Today the college was closed so I took advantage of the excuse not to do school work and took my lovely daughter to the grassroots garden here in town. I am in love with this garden. Let me tell you why. You can just show up and they give you something to do, cook you lunch, and teach you a whole bunch of nifty stuff. (I learned how a cob stove works the other day!) And they supply a metric shit ton of organic produce to the local food bank who then distributes it to those in need. The lady who runs it, Marry, is wonderful too. She was so delightful and not condescending to Em, which is refreshing. (What, you mean children don't have to be talked to like idiots for them to understand what you're saying? CONCEPT!)

Today we got to shovel manure into wheel barrows and then spread it around some garlic beds. As exciting as this sounds, my little darling was done with this in about 2.5 seconds. She then proceeded to tell me all about how lady bugs are good for gardens because they eat aphids. And that even though manure was really cow poop, it was good for plants, just like the worms because they poop too.

I love that my child knows these things. And I love that she has a connection with how our food becomes what it is and how we get it.

I am feeling blessed.

con...edit#2

Defining my experiences as a youth in the UU youth conference community, and the impact they have had on my life, is something that still, ten years later, I can't completely do. I lived for con. I would count days till the next one, and upon my return my mother would be endlessly irritated by my post-con depression, and my friends sick of hearing about the awesomeness known as UU youth. It scares me to think of what my life would have been had I not found such a safe haven. A place where I did not feel judged, and was openly accepted for who I was. A place where it was ok to explore my beliefs, my style, my place in the world. A place where affection was normal and natural and a hug was just a hug, it didn't come packed with expectations or assumptions (or even just that affection IS healthy and normal and that the expression of such is acceptable as long as personal boundaries are heard and respected). I was given the chance to make a difference in the world at large through social justice projects, I was taught more about what it means to be a UU, I was given opportunity to explore what spirituality meant for me, and I was given the freedom to discover myself and find my voice. All within a community that was supportive and safe. I often tell parents that send their youth to cons with me that attending them myself saved my life as a teen. And I mean it. I went to my first con a painfully shy, self-conscious, and lost 13 year old (yes, rules were different then) and bridged out as a confidant, spiritual young adult who had developed an awareness of my faith, myself, the kind of world I wanted to work towards, and the kind of people I wanted to surround my life with. Without them, I would have missed out on the opportunity to learn about myself in a way that can only happen in a faith-based community surrounded by peers. I wouldn't have found support from a huge network of adults that were there to nurture and support my development as a person, a leader and as a UU. (Parents are great for this too, but sometimes there are just times where as a youth you need the ear or guidance of an adult outside that parental relationship...).


I look at the youth in the conference community today and I see my teen years reflected back at me. The difference is, it's much healthier now than it was then. When I was a youth there was no requirement that youth had to be a part of a congregation, which meant that there was a whole aspect to con that lacked any spiritual affiliation. Youth would show up not knowing what a UU was and over time this led to even the worshipful parts of con slowly diminishing. There was not a whole lot of institutional memory either. These days we have a conferences coordinator (we love you Anne-Marie!) who serves that role. As the adult advisor to the planning committee of this last con I can say this is immensely helpful to have her there to tell us what ideas or events worked in the past, which sites were better than others and why, and as general support. She is there as someone who can fill whatever role is needed, or can at least find someone who can step in. She is a driving force behind making con happen, and providing endless support to our youth as they continue to make this community healthy and vital. Most importantly though, our youth are more engaged and active than ever before. I see passion and intelligence that blows me away. I was breathless at points during our theme event in which youth discussed very real and powerful issues that they face in everyday life and how being UU contributes to and helps them cope. I encourage everyone to read the manuscript of these discussions that will be coming out shortly.

Becoming a sponsor was something that I always knew I would do, it was just a natural step for me, to help provide the same community that was so vital for me, to our youth today. Sponsoring at these cons is among the most gratifying experiences that I have had the pleasure of participating in. At this last conference my best friend Vanessa, whom was one of my first and greatest con friends, attended as the nurse and it is the first one we have been at together in ten years. Being in that community with her helped me to realize a little more just how special this all is. Watching our youth forge bonds that are the same kinds of bonds I created with people, that today are still some of the most important people to me, made me nostalgic. It also made me realize how much most people lack a community like this that feels so much like home. There are so few places in the world today the provide youth with a safe haven of comfort that also encourages them to examine the kind of people they are, the world as it is, and to take that and change it for the better. There is a lack of accepting communities that don't shove corporate media or societal expectations of what is 'normal' in their faces. There are very few places they will find where the community encourages healthy expressions of self, instead of self-destructive avenues of exploration and expression.

I know how intimidating it can be as an adult to sit in a community full of teens who are empowered and encouraged to lead themselves. With all the preconceptions and stereotypes that fly around out there today (that adults have about youth and that youth have about adults) it makes it very easy to create a gap between generations that spurs weariness of each other. And I have talked with parents that are concerned about what their children may be experiencing at these conferences. As a parent myself, I can understand most of those concerns as well. But as a former youth from this community who is continually grasping what a benefit to my life they were, and as a current sponsor, I also must say this: There is no other place I would rather my daughter come of age when she reaches that stage in her life.

Generosity that astounds.

The blessings in my life astound me, as does the generosity of others. A friends little box on facebook reads that her greatest challenge in life is going to be returning all the love she receives and I feel that way lately. Someone lent me the money to pay for some doula stuff in the blink of an eye. I am constantly blessed on the crowded bus home with people willing to give up their seat for Em and I. I have wonderful friends who are willing to swoop in and help me when I need it, the book I needed for my doula training next appears out of nowhere, the rain quit just long enough to get my under the weather child home, the list goes on.

The latest in the string of "Oh my god, what did I do to deserve this?" took place today. I received a call from the DRE (Director of Religious Education) at church. Someone, some random couple of UU's, from Alaska (?) decided to get rid of their car and live out of their RV. Upon discovering that when you donate a car to Goodwill, they auction them and only make about $50 they drove their car to the church, signed over the title and said "We really want this to go to a family that needs it." We are that family. A car in really nice condition. No strings attached. Just yesterday I was wondering how I was going to navigate the narrow strech of time between when I will be getting out of class and when I will need to pick Emily up from school when she starts kindergarten in the fall, and how I was going to get home in time to tuck her in after my evening classes that I have to take the next few terms and what I am going to do if my mom's health doesn't improve and I need to take her to the ER in the middle of the night. (She is really sick right now.) And then this.

Life is truly blessed. I want you all to know how thankful I am for the gifts you have given me.