I have great people in my life. I just thought you all should know that.

I have been on this high-productivity binge lately that I am really kind of loving. I wonder how long this will last? I know I am not the only one because one of said great people mentioned above, Lizzy, mentioned it in her blog today too. (By the way, she is made of awesome.) It feels pretty bad ass, but maybe that is just because I was really done with feeling like I did for days on end was sit? Don't get me wrong, embracing my inner sloth was a wonderful, informative experience, and I really perfected my gluten free oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipe, but it's nice to know that circulation still works once I remove myself from the butt groove I have created in front of the computer and on the couch.

My energy levels have always come in little spurts, but lately it is just like a productivity God spewed some life into me or something. I think a lot of it has to do with putting so much focus on m health lately, and really focusing on what I am putting into my body. Eliminating gluten and drastically reducing my sugar intake has made me feel so amazing, but I didn't realize just how great until I threw it all out the window this weekend and ate all the crap I have been avoiding, practically in one sitting. Talk about feeling like a slug! And my skin broke out. I have always been a pretty healthy eater. Or, I have been ever since becoming a mom, but there is something different about it this time, and I think it is because I am really invested in feeling better about my life, versus trying to be a good model so that someone else doesn't feel like I do, or treat themselves the way I have. Not that positive role modeling isn't a good thing, it really REALLY is, but it just feels different when it is coming from this place. As soon as I got all that junk out of my system and ate a really awesome and wholesome meal, I felt better and my energy levels were right back up where they had been the previous days. Anyhow, we all benefit from it because I feel better, so I am more pleasant to be around and everyone else is happier too.

Today two friends of mine who live in New York came to visit and I must say that watching someone I have known for like 15 years meet my kid for the first time is just about the cutest. Nothing boosts a momma's pride like being able to show off how awesome her child is. But it is interesting to me that lately, so many people from my past have come back into my life in one way for another. And not those "oh-my-gawd, how on earth did they find me?" people, but the "oh! i am so happy you called because I was pretty sure I would never talk to you ever again!" people. I'd like to think that it is a sign of some sort, or a reward for being so intentional about life lately. But maybe it is just coincidence triggered by the alignment of awesome and nostalgia? (I know that statement made no sense, sorry.) Whatever it is, I am pretty happy with life lately.

And. I have new hair. And I hate taking pictures of myself...

renewing myself

Ahhh, spring. I love this time of year. Especially before the pollen starts trying to rearrange my DNA through my nose. I love that it is light until almost 8pm. I love that there are flowers out, and birds, and I can officially start my garden.

This year spring seems especially pivotal in my life. I have made changes that have been a long time coming, I am focusing on parts of my life I have been hiding from the past few years, and I am moving in a direction that feels right. Renewal at it's most invigorating.

This weekend my best friend came into town and on the day of the equinox, we went for a hike out in the woods. Being surrounded my trees and the running water, it was so grounding. But more than that, it was incredible to be surrounded by such beauty, with someone, but in silence. So often life gets so filled with noise and I don't realize how overwhelming that is for me, or how it only lends to a feeling of lonliness because the noise serves as a barrier. Silence is so powerful.

I am looking forward to the experience the Universe throws my way in the coming months. I am starting my own business, going to a chaplaincy training, going for an adventure in New York City, and have been emerging back into communities I thought I had left behind long ago but am realizing now that I just needed to be there on my own terms, not someone else's expectations.

Isn't life grand?


Oh-and, have I mentioned that I get all impulsive and experimental around my best friend? I cut off my hair and put some red in it. It's pretty fun.

Post Run Reflections

So, on a blog I used to keep I had a tag called 'listastic-ness' because sometimes lists are the manner in which my brain functions and organizes things. Such as right now. I have been making an effort to start running again, and to do it in the morning because the last time I ran in the evening I was up until 4am due to post-run endorphin rush.

-Running in the morning? This is cool, I can do this. I like birds, and I like hearing them sing to me and I prance down the road.

-Wearing sunglasses while running? Not so much. Specifically my sunglasses that are meant for someone whose noggin is slightly wider than mine. The bounce of them as I run makes me feel like someone slipped something in my morning green smoothie.

-Man, all that sugar I ate last night made my head fill with snot. Hmm. So that's what sugar does to me. Good to know. Approaching mile two thinking about this, the cookies from last night were less worth it.

-Running with music=epic win. "Someday", that elusive day, I will put together a really awesome playlist with songs like 'Eye of The Tiger' and 'Greatest Man that Ever Lived' and 'Starfuckers, Inc.'. For now I will settle for the jumble of songs that itunes, the fickle bitch that it is, allowed me to put on the shuffle.

-Big skittish dogs + low fences? Not my friend. I mean, a heightened heart rate is beneficial and all, but give. me. a. fucking. heart attack. will ya?

-I need something to cover my ears. I think when they ache like they are trying to tell me they are cold.

I think that setting our intentions is a valuable exercise in life. They are a little different that New Years Resolutions. Which is good because I don't really ever make those. But setting intentions is putting out into the Universe what you are wanting to cultivate and work towards in your life. And I have some big ones right now.

1) I am going to become more financially stable over the next 12 months. I am going to do this by being open and available for any means of making/receiving money that align with my values. I will start looking for a part time job that fits my schedule and isn't flipping burgers at a fast food joint. And I am opening my own health coaching business this summer.

2) I am going to get the most out of this awesome education that I have the opportunity to receive.

3) I am only going to let the energy that I need and is beneficial to me into my life.

I think that is enough for now. There are birds singing outside and taunting me to come out and play...

Note to Self

Dear Wonderful Self,
I know if felt really awesome to get back out there and run yesterday evening, but you were so amped up that the endorphins were wreaking havoc on my ability to sleep last night. I feel no sorrow for you as you contemplate how awful that dull ache behind your sleep-deprived eyes is. Ok, maybe a little because I have to put up with it too, but still.

If you are going to take such good care of yourself that you have all this awesome energy, can we please make it happen during daylight when the rest of the world expects me to be a functioning unit? Not that being up and cleaning at 3am because there was nothing else to do was such a bad experience, but being up and feeling hung over without having had a drop of alcohol really kind of sucks.

I am sure we can navigate this bump in our relationship and will have many more years of a happy union.
Yours Truly,
Your Self.

Breaking through sloth

The sloth-like behavior was nice for a time but it began to be too much. SO! I went for a run. My first real run since my knee injury a few months ago, which I didn't really blog about because the whole thing was just so gracefully ridiculous.

Anyhow. I ran. And it was awesome. I decided to start the Couch to 5k program over again, so I started with week one. It was much easier than I could have hoped for this time around. Maybe that is because it isn't 95 degrees outside.

I had dinner with a good friend tonight and as we sat talking and catching up on this crazy life I realized something. I am happy. Not that I wasn't happy before, but for the first time in a while, my stress and my problems aren't defining me because I'm not letting them. There is plenty I could complain about, but I don't really want to. It is a relief to realize I have reached this point in my life.

Also, I would just like to say, for the record, that the Avett Brothers are awesome.

Oh dear...

Is it possible to overdose on lazy? Because I think I may be on the brink.

In Which She Accomplishes Nothing

I have done absolutely nothing today except rock the sweat pants in a sexy manner, and read fluffy books that take no brain power. And cook food for myself. The only thing saving me from making and then eating an entire batch of cookies right now is the fact that I am out of sugar and have no chocolate chips. And the sweat pants make a persuasive argument for staying home. Besides. I have hot chocolate.

Some of you may be wondering what has sent me into hermititude and depression, but before the picture show in your head gets too far, let me tell you, I SO deserve this down time. It's finals week after all. And, I entered myself in the "mom of the year" contest this weekend letting Em have a sleep over (I even over heard the "your mom is so cool. my mom isn't special like yours, shes a different special though...), then hosting three children and four grown adults for the day (I cooked AND had a clean kitchen when all said and done. I am currently pondering just what super-human influence allowed me to accomplish this in my lazy stupor), and hung out with my mother the following day. Which was nice. But I was tired.

I woke up this morning with stuff to do. I got out of bed and did the most important, which is good because it means I continue to have a place to live. I promptly came home, thought of what else I should be doing, put my pajamas back on and curled up with my book. Maybe tomorrow I will work on my book some more and finish up that last assignment so I can take my online final. And maybe I will go grocery shopping, but I have enough vegetable matter in my fridge for a few days, so maybe not. I have rather enjoyed being lazy.

Happy Monday.

in/peccare

I have been receiving a lot of messages in life recently. Most of them are telling me to ignore people in one way or another. The attitude people project and the way they treat people is a projection of what is inside of them, and the way they feel about themselves. I think this is so valuable to remember. How many times has the way I am feeling about myself colored my feelings and actions towards other people? More than I care to admit. I am the kind of person who tends to take things really personally. There are certain people in my life with whom it is a constant struggle to not walk away from interactions with them angry or hurt. It helps me to remember just how miserable they are inside. (Not that I assume all assholes are miserable inside, but the ones I know well really are miserable inside.) It is not my responsibility to account for their misery, nor is it to make them feel better, or take some of the toxic load off of their shoulders. I am responsible for myself.

I was recently given a copy of "The Four Agreements" based on Toltec wisdom. The first agreement is to be impeccable with my words. Sounds simple enough right? The word comes from the latin word impeccabilis. In- (without) and -peccare (to sin). Sin is not only a biblicial thing, but an intent, a presence of malice. So to be impeccable with my words is to be without judgement, or falsity. (Is falsity a word? It is now...) To have an intent of positivity or gentleness. Not only with others, but with myself. This affects the way I interact with myself and with others. The way I approach, engage, and respond.

I have been working on this the last week or two. This and not internalizing the negativity of others. The pleasant side effect of this is that it has helped me cultivate positive attitudes and presence in life. I have this vision that can only be described as vitality. An attitude and feeling in life that I strive for. A way of life. A way of serving others. A way of being. It is closer. I can feel it.

Clearing out the pantry

As spring approaches, and as I delve into my happiness project, I have been experiencing the strong urge to declutter my life. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. What an overwhelming task. I have lived in my home for 5 years now. It's the longest I have ever lived in one place in my entire life. I love that fact. But what I have learned is that being stationary enables me to collect more "stuff". Piles of old mail have hidden themselves away on shelves, in nooks, and crannies. Notes from friends, lovers, and nemeses stored away because I wanted to keep them for one reason or another. The good ones were to remind me of the happiness, warmth and love. The negative ones were most likely being saved for a court date. Knick knacks, copious amounts of art work, and other kidlet stuff are abound. Way too many shoes. Clothes that have been on the hanger so long they literally have collected dust. More yarn that I will ever need. Camping gear. And all of this, just in my bedroom closet. It's ridiculous. I spent three hours in there today. Three garbage bags of recycling, two of clothes, one of paper needing to be shredded and then recycled, one giant one of craft supplies, and two of random knick knacks. It's organized. It's spacious. It's awesome. As I dropped off the donations and dumped the recycling, I felt so light and airy that I wanted to dance.

I realized something today. I started out with the intention of clearing my physical clutter because at first glance that would be the easiest to tackle. However, I noticed that most of my physical clutter is tied to me emotionally in some way. It makes perfect sense, but it was an AHA moment for me. Letting it all go was such a relief, yet also a very emotional experience for me. Reading through letters I was reminded how wonderful the people in my life are, and how some of those connections have disappeared. Going through clothes and jewelry I forgot I even owned I was reminded of occasions in which they were worn. Some good, some bad. The most difficult was the journal of dealings and goings on between my childs father and I right after I left. Reading the things he did or said put me right there all over again. Being able to look at all of these experiences, and then let them go, or put them away, was so freeing!

I have always been a sentimental person. I have a piece of yarn that was part of a worship service at a youth con where I met my two best friends at when I was 15. I have stupid overwhelming stacks of pictures from all different parts of my life. But today I noticed that while it's nice to be able to look back at theses things, it weighs me down more than I'd like. Maybe I have romaticized parts of my past, and that interferes with my present because nothing now is as good as what I created in my mind as 'then'. Also, knowing that there were piles of old bills, invoices, pay stubs was so depressing. Seeing them was like adding one more weight to my shoulders. That constant reminders of the money I owe, the money I don't have, the money I wasn't smart with. I don't need that hanging over my day. Throwing out the paper part of those lessons doesn't mean I will have learned less from my experiences in the past. I still have that in me.

Also, seeing so much evidence of my work and my progress makes me feel like a bad ass!