Growing up FTW!

I recently ran into someone I went to high school with and it was nice in a nostalgic "oh yeah, your one of the ones I liked" kind of way. As we were catching up, he lamented "Man, we are getting old!"

Ok, first off, no, we aren't. We are OLDER, but if you feel old at 28, I have this nice little health coaching business to help you out...

And second, I have discovered that I LOVE "getting old". Here is why:

-There is a self-confidence that has crept in with age and life experience that is really comforting. Or maybe it is just that over time, I care less and less what other people think? Either way, it's grand.

-Insurance discounts that kicked in once I turned 25. What is it about 25 that dictates I am suddenly mature and responsible enough to not have to pay as much for car insurance?

-I have found that it's ok to embrace the parts of me I was told (whether overtly or not) were negative, or bad, or just not acceptable. Such as: I enjoy sex and being a sexual person; I love to be a reclusive, gluttonous sloth when I need to unwind; I no longer feel the need to commit myself to something just because it is something I *could* do; sometimes I enjoy really crappy literature; I don't like some people and feel no need to go out of my way to be nice to the really offensive ones; and there is nothing quite as satisfying as sitting on the couch in my underwear while watching an old movie and eating ice cream straight out of the carton (I can see my mother cringing right now).

-I don't care if I can't dance up to par with other people's standards anymore, it feels good.

-While it is somewhat of an ego-boost to get hit on in the bar, instead of internalizing it as a sign of my worth, I merely take it as a compliment. It neither makes or breaks my night in it's absence or presence.

-I no longer automatically register the things my mom tells me are good for me as solid gold fact, but take the time to do my own research and decide whether it really is good and right for me. (No, I don't feel like crap after eating too many nightshades.) (AAAND, eating too much of anything can make almost anyone feel like crap.)

-I like that the older my actual age is, the more people assume I am not, in fact, a mindless girl. And I like that I receive less condescending BS from people.

-As I age, I find my voice more and more. I like being a mouthy, opinionated woman who is ok making my needs known.

-I take care of myself in ways that work for me and feel right to me, because I *want* to be a healthy person, not because someone else is telling me that it's good for me.




All this being said, I still like being taken care of when I get sick, I still laugh at fart jokes, and I still have my teddy bear. And I am more than ok with all of the above.

Are fixed dogs supposed to be this horny?

Because mine is. Seriously. Every night upon following us into the bedroom for bed he has a little humping session with his doggie bed. The other night when the Boy was over and playing music on his guitar for me (*swoon*), he started humping his toy. My mom was petting him the other day and he started humping her leg. He humped my daughter's stuffed cat yesterday. He licks himself and humps the air.

This is getting ridiculous.

Knowledge is power but sometimes, it's scary

Normally, I don't write about my struggles with anxiety, but today, I am going to. I am sitting here staring at the computer and waiting for a nurse to call my back before I take these drugs. I have a kidney infection. How it advanced from bladder to kidney without me feeling ANYTHING, I have no idea. How I got it, I have no idea. All I know is that I have one. And ya know, it can kinda be a big deal if it goes untreated. So I go to pick up the meds they prescribed and with it came three pages of fine print warnings about side effects. Scary things like nerve damage and bursting tendons.

**an hour later**

This is the part where I admit that upon reading that I turned into a complete basket case. I called my mom, because no matter how unknowledgable mothers may be about what their children ask them, they are still an authority for some reason. I succeed in freaking her out because, hey, my anxiety had to come from somewhere, right? (She apologizes for this profusely every time she receives one of these phone calls.) Then I call the pharmacist. And she tells me hardly anyone ever experiences those side effects, they just HAVE to tell people about them. (What would the world be like without scare tactics I wonder? I mean, I see why they have to, but f-ing hell...). Then she tells me how serious a kidney infection is, like I don't already know. (From my mom, from the doctor, from past schooling I have received). That I should relax and just take them. Then I talk to my moms nurse friend who essentially says the same thing, and that she is allergic to it, and that yes it has side effects, but so does food. And then how serious a kidney infection is. She is, however, the only person to not do any of the following a)ask if my partner (assuming I even have one) is a clean individual, b) whether I pee after sex, or c) why didn't I seek a doctor when it was just a bladder infection. (Really? If I knew I had one, I would have!) I have a good cry about it because what is an anxiety attack without tears? I freak my daughter out. In between all this, I vent to friends who do wonderful things to calm me down. I put Em down for a nap and cuddle with her for a bit. Eventually I do calm down.

I need to remember to breath in situations like this. And that life is bigger than this body I life in, and that I will be ok.

And, in really bad situations, just remember that an astrologer told my mom that I would live into my 80's. ;)

hurdles of awesome

I am my largest obstacle.

Seriously. I am. My fear of my past becomes fear of my present and anxiety over my future. I create scenarios in my head that just make those walls I build around myself even higher. I have spent a lot of time that last two weeks examining these bits of myself, as I got to the point where I completely unmotivated myself into paralyzation. Ugh. What an awful feeling. I know that part of it came from dealing with residual stress from the sentencing hearing, but I was using that as an excuse. I quit doing all school work and prepping my business for the opening this month. The wonderful person that recently came into my life suddenly scared to hell out of me and I started pushing away and pretending that I didn't care as much as I thought I did.

Until I had this perfect moment of clarity. I was laying in the park, staring up at the trees, and I suddenly just KNEW how awesome my life could be if I would just let all that anxiety go. So I started to. I would like to say "SO I DID!" but its a process that is longer and more involved than that.

I am ready for what is coming my way! I open for business this month! I am enjoying the people in my life! I am acknowledging my fear but not making decisions based on it. BRING IT!

Oh! And visit my website! www.gracefulexistence.com