a dribble of random

My life is so full of wonderful things right now. I feel so incredibly blessed. And proud of myself for having taken the time to refocus myself and decide where to put my time and energy. This last weekend I was up in Seattle for meetings surrounding youth ministry and also to spend time with really great people. And I came home feeling loved and comforted.

As some background on the youth thing, I took on a district volunteer role as an adult to a group of youth leaders. I was honored when approached about this, but a little nervous. Am I cut out for it? Will I really have the energy to put into it that I would like and that they deserve? I had just resigned from the district board because after two years I still didn't feel like sitting in those meetings was where I was supposed to be. I left the YES (Youth Empowerment Services) meeting this weekend inspired and excited to be working with such amazing people. So, I got my answer. Yes, this is where I want to be, this is something I can and want to do, and it's going to be fun to boot. It feels more like doing good things with good friends than work.

School starts tomorrow. I am ready to move on to the next step in my education, which is good because I just got a letter from the financial aid department that basically says "HURRY THE HELL UP, WE ARE TIRED OF GIVING YOU MONEY WHEN YOU HAVEN'T PICKED A PROGRAM YET!" I am now at the stage of applying to nursing schools and scholarships for said schools. It's intimidating and exciting all at once. I am also applying for some public health programs and the policy, public planning and management program at UO. Because I am just indecisive like that. I am also wavering between a degree in social work related stuff and Spanish. Ahhh options, you are such a blessing and a curse sometimes.

Last week my childs father and I had a conversation about how we should talk more because we, ya know, share a kid. I was so encouraged by this and was thinking "yes! he's has finally let go and is starting to think more about this!" until he said "can you just not date any men?" and my hopes were dashed. I am at a loss as what to do there. It really is important that we communicate more, for the sake of our child, but I am tired of feeling like it all hinges on whether I am in a relationship with someone else. Or whether I am PC enough around him to keep his temper in check. It has been almost five years since we separated and I am tired of being at a place where if I meet someone I could see myself with that I cringe and wait for the explosion. It isn't fun.

Ok, I have rambled enough, time to pick up Em from school...

Remember that guy?

Let me start by saying that I don't EVER want to be a teenager again. Ever. No one could pay me enough to go through that swamp of hormones, angst, broken hearts, and dramatic days. Ever.

But.

I really miss some of the friendships. Recently Vanessa brought down a photo album from youth conferences and we pulled out mine as well and spent a good hour or two looking through them, putting names to faces and talking about where all these people went.

"Remember the night I couldn't sleep because of nightmares so you guys stayed up with me all night long?"

"Remember when we got kicked out of the no-talent show because we were laughing too hard and went and rearranged the messages written on the dorm windows with masking tape?"

"Oh my god! I remember that kid! He was so funny!"

"Oh damn. Flattering. That was taken after dancing for four hours straight."

"Hey, I remember this! This was that night we rented the hotel room after the planning meeting and..."

"Hahaha, I can't believe we actually got him to put that on!"

Along with all these come flooding in the secrets, the bonding, the feeling of total acceptance. That feeling of knowing that even though it was going to be at least 6 months until you saw them next, when you did they were still some of your best friends.

And then we all got old. We moved away, went to school, got married, had kids, started our own businesses, passed away, drifted into a life completely our own and totally separate and away from the places we used as a breeding ground of intimate friendships.

I miss them. Well, most of them.

Also, I still have all the pictures suckers! Expect some exploitation coming to a facebook near you.

con...edit#2

Defining my experiences as a youth in the UU youth conference community, and the impact they have had on my life, is something that still, ten years later, I can't completely do. I lived for con. I would count days till the next one, and upon my return my mother would be endlessly irritated by my post-con depression, and my friends sick of hearing about the awesomeness known as UU youth. It scares me to think of what my life would have been had I not found such a safe haven. A place where I did not feel judged, and was openly accepted for who I was. A place where it was ok to explore my beliefs, my style, my place in the world. A place where affection was normal and natural and a hug was just a hug, it didn't come packed with expectations or assumptions (or even just that affection IS healthy and normal and that the expression of such is acceptable as long as personal boundaries are heard and respected). I was given the chance to make a difference in the world at large through social justice projects, I was taught more about what it means to be a UU, I was given opportunity to explore what spirituality meant for me, and I was given the freedom to discover myself and find my voice. All within a community that was supportive and safe. I often tell parents that send their youth to cons with me that attending them myself saved my life as a teen. And I mean it. I went to my first con a painfully shy, self-conscious, and lost 13 year old (yes, rules were different then) and bridged out as a confidant, spiritual young adult who had developed an awareness of my faith, myself, the kind of world I wanted to work towards, and the kind of people I wanted to surround my life with. Without them, I would have missed out on the opportunity to learn about myself in a way that can only happen in a faith-based community surrounded by peers. I wouldn't have found support from a huge network of adults that were there to nurture and support my development as a person, a leader and as a UU. (Parents are great for this too, but sometimes there are just times where as a youth you need the ear or guidance of an adult outside that parental relationship...).


I look at the youth in the conference community today and I see my teen years reflected back at me. The difference is, it's much healthier now than it was then. When I was a youth there was no requirement that youth had to be a part of a congregation, which meant that there was a whole aspect to con that lacked any spiritual affiliation. Youth would show up not knowing what a UU was and over time this led to even the worshipful parts of con slowly diminishing. There was not a whole lot of institutional memory either. These days we have a conferences coordinator (we love you Anne-Marie!) who serves that role. As the adult advisor to the planning committee of this last con I can say this is immensely helpful to have her there to tell us what ideas or events worked in the past, which sites were better than others and why, and as general support. She is there as someone who can fill whatever role is needed, or can at least find someone who can step in. She is a driving force behind making con happen, and providing endless support to our youth as they continue to make this community healthy and vital. Most importantly though, our youth are more engaged and active than ever before. I see passion and intelligence that blows me away. I was breathless at points during our theme event in which youth discussed very real and powerful issues that they face in everyday life and how being UU contributes to and helps them cope. I encourage everyone to read the manuscript of these discussions that will be coming out shortly.

Becoming a sponsor was something that I always knew I would do, it was just a natural step for me, to help provide the same community that was so vital for me, to our youth today. Sponsoring at these cons is among the most gratifying experiences that I have had the pleasure of participating in. At this last conference my best friend Vanessa, whom was one of my first and greatest con friends, attended as the nurse and it is the first one we have been at together in ten years. Being in that community with her helped me to realize a little more just how special this all is. Watching our youth forge bonds that are the same kinds of bonds I created with people, that today are still some of the most important people to me, made me nostalgic. It also made me realize how much most people lack a community like this that feels so much like home. There are so few places in the world today the provide youth with a safe haven of comfort that also encourages them to examine the kind of people they are, the world as it is, and to take that and change it for the better. There is a lack of accepting communities that don't shove corporate media or societal expectations of what is 'normal' in their faces. There are very few places they will find where the community encourages healthy expressions of self, instead of self-destructive avenues of exploration and expression.

I know how intimidating it can be as an adult to sit in a community full of teens who are empowered and encouraged to lead themselves. With all the preconceptions and stereotypes that fly around out there today (that adults have about youth and that youth have about adults) it makes it very easy to create a gap between generations that spurs weariness of each other. And I have talked with parents that are concerned about what their children may be experiencing at these conferences. As a parent myself, I can understand most of those concerns as well. But as a former youth from this community who is continually grasping what a benefit to my life they were, and as a current sponsor, I also must say this: There is no other place I would rather my daughter come of age when she reaches that stage in her life.

youth con

Defining my experiences as a youth in the UU youth conference community, and the impact they have had on my life, is something that still, ten years later, I still can't completely do. Becoming a sponsor was something that I always just knew I would do, it was a natural occurance to me, to help provide the same community that was so vital for me, to our youth today. At this last conference my best friend Vanessa, whom was one of my first and greatest con friends, attended as the nurse and it is the first one we have been at together in ten years. Being in that community with her help me to realize a little more just how special this all is.


Ok, so that is a start....it will have to be finished later. I got six hours of sleep the entire weekend and thought prcesses are still working on their return...