More and more I am finding parts of life I have been longing for. Isn't that great?

Yesterday I spent the day at the grassroots garden, a community garden here in town that grows organic produce for the local food bank. I have been there a few times with Em and it was a blast, she got a kick out spreading manure on the broccoli. "It's poooooooop mommy!" This time I went by myself. One of the great things about this garden is the outdoor kitchen in which they cook lunch for the volunteers everyday. Most of the food used comes from the garden itself, and it is always delicious! (They have a cob oven they use for pizza sometimes too...) Yesterday I spent my whole day in the kitchen, getting to know the garden coordinator and talking about feeding people. It was marvelous. This woman has so much passion for the work she does that you cannot stand next to her and remain in a lack-luster mood. By the end of the day I landed myself an Americorps intern postion as the kitchen coordinator in exchange for school scholarship money. Fabulous!

I have changed my major, and while I worry that I may never stay with something long enough to finish a degree, this truly feels like the right place to be. I have been sitting in this global health class all term, learning about these incredibly urgent issues threatening the health of people and the environment, and the more I learn, the less making a phone call or signing a petition satisfies the need in me to do something about it all. I will be transferring to Oregon State University next spring to get a bachelors in health promotion and education and a minor in sociology, then a masters in teaching (high school and college levels). I want to teach, I always have, and I want to make an impact on these things threatening the emotional and physical well-being of us all. This combines my need to do something, with my spiritual passion, my passion for teaching, and is something that will keep me in a constant state of learning. I am very excited to see what the next few years bring me.

I have also recently resigned my position on the district board of directors through my church, and have taken on an adult advising role within the district youth leadership community. I feel this was an important step for me as I have always felt a passion for providing such a wonderful community for our youth, and a need to do such as it is the community that helped foster my own spiritual and personal development as a youth. I am looking forward to seeing what this brings into my life as well.

I have also been more dedicated to my personal health than in the recent past. It helps that this time of year fresh produce is abundant. I am working on cutting out processed sugars. She's a temptress, she is. I am still doing yoga and am adding in a more well rounded workout schedule/exercise/active time as well, and I feel so much better. Partly because it is intentional 'me' time, but also, I really need to just get off my ass more. I am thinking about joining a volleyball or soccer team through the city. Although, I have never played soccer....

And yay for three day weekends!

Mom is awesome FTW!

I rock at this whole sleep over thing, for the record. But I am beginning to understand why my mother never wanted to let me have sleep overs. They are exhausting! The girls didn't really settle down until 10:30 last night, daughter was asleep by 11, and friend was asleep by midnight after I sang and rubbed her back to help her relax a little. I collapsed onto the couch in exhaustion and was woken up at 5am by energetic kids! It was my only grumpy moment in which I snapped "Too early-lay down and go back to sleep!" I was a lot nicer every half hour after that when I gently reminded them it was ass early. We finally got up at 8am, which was still too early. I know I am getting old when I wake up in pain after sleeping on the couch.

Breakfast, my favorite meal of the day, was kick ass vegan pancakes that had the right amount of cinnamon and maple syrup baked into them, and a berry smoothie. Awesome. Today? We are headed to the humane society to visit with animals and a birthday party at one.

Then-nap time...

sleepover magic

My daughter is having her first sleep over tonight here at home. She invited her best friend from pre-k, yes the one she alternately loves and fights with faster than she changes her attitude sometimes. So far? We are doing good. We met her friend and friends mom in the park this afternoon for the exchange, and I had an excellent time talking to her mother. I love that recently I am finding more and more moms that not only have similar parenting styles as me, but lifestyles as well. Its....comforting.

Now, I was a little nervous about daughters choice in friends. What with the fighting like sisters thing. But so far we are good. They played nicely, friend complimented me on my wonderful cooking, and we made shakes out of vegan coconut ice cream and blueberries for dessert. Right now they are laying in the princess tent set up in the living room, whispering and giggling to themselves like I can't hear. It's adorable. And too cute to get frustrated and tell them to go to sleep. Plus, I remember the magic of laying awake late with friends and feeling like we were getting away with something while sharing our secrets. I can't squash that, that is one of the best parts of sleep overs.

Daughter has been WAY into boys lately. It's a little anxiety inducing. I wasn't expecting this for some while now. This evening she was "on the phone" with her "boyfriend" and telling him "You were supposed to be here at 8:30, where are you? You aren't MY boyfriend anymore!" I am not sure what worries me more, the fact that she then noticed the "handsome teenage boys" on the lawn, or the fact that she is so demanding and impatient with her current "boyfriend".

The giggling coming from the princess tent is just way too cute for me. It makes my heart squishy.

My experiences in life have taught me a lot about what love is NOT. Or what it's not supposed to be rather. I am grateful for all of these experiences but sometimes I wonder if this has created a hurdle to finding what love is. I am not saying that my life isn't full of love, because I have an abundance of it. But as I reflect back on the healthier serious relationships I have had, I can see that the fear and pain coming from the unhealthy ones took hold when things got rough and definitely affected the way I deal with things. I do not stick around very long when things get hard, I tend to run instead of examining what may be causing my emotion or lack thereof.

Recently someone has come back into my life that I walked away from and never looked back. Well, never looked back until I was looking at him in the face and something inside of me cracked. Is giving a relationship a second chance being too optimistic? Am I being a fool in thinking that it's worth a shot?

I realize more and more that I have some unhealthy communication habits that I use to protect myself. What I can't rationalize or even find, is what I am protecting myself from. I am beginning to think that maybe second chances are worth it. It'd be foolish to walk away again from something that feels right just because I am scared of the issues within myself that it is going to force me to face. The challenge comes in not blaming everything on that and not seeing the fact that its not going to work if it comes to that point. Oy.

Rocking my spirit

"I am challenging you guys spiritually to BE THE CHANGE! To look the pain in the eyes and reflect the solutions WITHIN your life..."

I am taking a class from one of the most passionate teachers I have ever encountered and it is changing my life. Truly.

I knew when registering for this class (Global Health) that I would be looking at a lot at privilege and oppression, health issues, and sustainability. I didn't expect the amount of passion it is all evoking within me. Not a day in that class has gone by where I haven't cried at least a little, and walked out angry at the dominant paradigm, and frustrated with myself for feeling so helpless against it all.

The last few weeks we have been talking about food. Where it comes from, what is in it, and how awful agri-business is and the damage it leaves in its wake. Did you know that Monsanto owns rights to something like over 90% of the seed used to grow crops in North America? It may even be the world, I am not sure. And if their seed cross pollinates with a near-by crop they can sue that farmer for using something they didn't pay for? Hello!? That happens naturally! That is just how it works. It is ridiculous that anyone could OWN that process essentially. It means that eventually they will OWN the food supply, control the food supply, and therefore have all the power. This is scary to me. Not only that, but in addition to owning the rights to the seeds, they are using genetically modified seeds. And I know that some people think this is a miracle of science, and yes, it's amazing we can do this, but why on earth would we want to? Creating seeds that are pesticide resistant lead to pesticide resistant weeds, which was why you wanted pesticide resistant plants in the first place, to kill the weeds faster, right? And in areas this is used they are seeing astounding problems with pests that were HARMLESS before they fucked with the natural balance of nature. Also, why on EARTH would anyone in their right mind think that it is safe to create a TERMINATOR gene for seeds so they don't germinate, and instead die? I know, I know, so that the companies can make more money. But think about it...cross pollination just happens like the air we breathe. When the wind blows, when bees do their things, and when humans and animals move throughout the world. It is just a fact of life. What happens when said terminator gene reaches our trees? All our plants? THEY DIE! And then, so do we.

Another reason to eat organic I suppose. I could go on about the other awful stuff companies like Monsanto do, like taking land from indiginous people and monocropping, which then kills the soil, and then deserting their mess, all the while displacing thousands of people in third world countries, paying them crap and driving their countries deeper into poverty. I am sure I will at some point....

I guess the point of this rant at the beginning was to say that I am making some big changes in life right now and I am excited to see where it takes me.

Allowing time to slow down.

Nothing is more satisfying that the contented sigh that floats out of my daughters body when she is truly happy.  I live for creating the kind of environment around her that elicits that.  As summer approaches I find myself yearning for long sunny days in which there is time to explore the world with her at her leisure.  I long to spend days in the woods exploring the bugs she is so interested in and teaching her how to grow things.  I look forward to the opportunity just be with her.  No classes to get to, no minimum hour requirement at day care to meet for the head start grant.  Just her and I and a world of possibility.  

This summer I have elected not to take any REAL classes.  And by this I mean that I am not taking any classes in which I actually have to be in a classroom.  I am going to be registering for all online classes.  I can't really afford not to take classes if I want to be able to apply for my program this year, but I couldn't stand the thought of another summer going by with me and my child in a classroom and not spending time together.  Lately I have had this desperate feeling of time slipping away from underneath me faster than it usually does and the instinct to just savor what is in front of me right now.  So I am choosing to honor that in allowing myself to move at a slower pace and enjoy being a parent, enjoy living in this wonderful area and relish in the pleasure that comes from honoring the development and needs of my amazing little girl.  

Inch by Inch...

Today the college was closed so I took advantage of the excuse not to do school work and took my lovely daughter to the grassroots garden here in town. I am in love with this garden. Let me tell you why. You can just show up and they give you something to do, cook you lunch, and teach you a whole bunch of nifty stuff. (I learned how a cob stove works the other day!) And they supply a metric shit ton of organic produce to the local food bank who then distributes it to those in need. The lady who runs it, Marry, is wonderful too. She was so delightful and not condescending to Em, which is refreshing. (What, you mean children don't have to be talked to like idiots for them to understand what you're saying? CONCEPT!)

Today we got to shovel manure into wheel barrows and then spread it around some garlic beds. As exciting as this sounds, my little darling was done with this in about 2.5 seconds. She then proceeded to tell me all about how lady bugs are good for gardens because they eat aphids. And that even though manure was really cow poop, it was good for plants, just like the worms because they poop too.

I love that my child knows these things. And I love that she has a connection with how our food becomes what it is and how we get it.

I am feeling blessed.