Another reason to not have more kids: Camping

Sometimes I get these Super-Mom-like notions in my head of what would be a really great idea. Like this one: gosh, it would be so fun to take Emily camping with friend-of-her-choice for a WHOLE weekend on the coast, AND take the dog.

Not that it wasn't fun, the girls were super stars, and earned all three levels of the Junior Ranger program thing they do at state parks here in Oregon. We swam, we hiked, we played, we sang, we laughed, we ate our body weight in s'mores. But, ohmygosh. Something about the dull, stuck inside-ness of the winter must have washed out of my working memory how very difficult it is to camp sometimes with children. Or, let me say, how difficult it is to camp the way I LIKE to, when there are children. That is not to say it's not fun, it's just....work.

Something in little girls clicks at the age of 6 and suddenly getting along and being nice isn't cool. What's cool now I guess is this snotty, pretend we are teenagers with more cool "stuff" than you game that drives me up the wall and tears my heart into a million pieces all at once. It hurts to watch this mean, competitive backstabbing attitude become the social norm in my sweet little girl. Watching the pain in her eyes at points during the frantic "Oh yeah? My limo has..." just kills me. Can't we all just get along? I remember not liking most females growing up, but I don't remember it starting this young, or being so...materialistic and vicious.

The amount of dirt that works it's way into every crevice of all people and equipment grows exponentially with each living being that is present, or so it feels like. Also, I take my child for granted. Not every child has such a respectful curiosity for nature. Some children, for instance, seem to have this kill it/eat it situation where if you can't become intimate with it, it's scary/gross/poisonous or all of the above and must cease to live or exist. This also reminds me that when the dog relaxes a bit, there are several patches of unidentified goo that need to be picked off or cut out of his fur.

My dog, bless his little soul, is not a camping dog. I have gained pounds of guilt for every instance I glanced at him, shivering and shaking and looking at me with that pitiful "WWWHHHYYYYY do you have be tethered to something like this in this cold, cold place with all of these people and dogs I can't play with" look. He would nearly jump for joy (as much as his stubbiness allows for at least) when we crawled into the tent for the night and would whine until someone let him crawl to the bottom of a sleeping bag where he could finally cuddle up to someone and be loved and warm.

This morning the bickering came to a head when the girls were arguing over which of the *identical* camping chairs they got to sit in. I moved them to opposite sides of the campsite, and for the first time in three days, had some quiet. And it came to me...as much as I love children, other people's children really get to me sometimes. I can work with them yes, but when they are a part of my family for days at a time, I become someone I don't know that I like. I don't like the way they chew, or the nickname they have given my daughter, I don't like the tone of their voice when they are picking on my kid, or the way they pick their nose and eat it. When they roll all over everyone's bed buck naked, I am surprisingly grossed out. I hate when they ask my kid if her mom and dad ever have sex because it opens a door that no one is really ready to explore. It drives me batty when they burp as loud as they can in my ear and I can smell it, when they make farting and pooping and peeing noises, and when they ask to hold my dog's leash only to yank on it so hard it sends him into a coughing fit. And then, when they say I am the best cooker ever and give me a hug I feel like the worst person ever for thinking or feeling all those things and nearly cry out of guilt. Is this any easier when there is another parent there? Who knows. I don't.

We got home, dropped of the Friend and unloaded. We showered the grime off (why is it that scrubbing the shower can take 45 minutes to get it clean and then 7 minutes of showering renders it worthy of a pig-sty?) and Emily looked up at me as we were watching a movie and said "Momma, I really just want to lay in bed and snuggle and have 5 minutes where it's just me and you. Camping was fun, but I wish it was just you and I, even though I wanted her to come with us. I miss you."

*tear*

So we climbed into bed, and promptly feel into a cuddled-induced sleep for almost three hours.

I will now be spending the rest of my night on the quiet porch, with a glass of ginger ale, and nothing but my thoughts.

Or the latest episode of True Blood and a friend. We'll see.

It's raining outside. The smell of it mixed with the whimsical mood I am suddenly in makes me want to dance in it. Or at the very least, go for a run. I settle for tea on the back porch instead. As the neighbor kids run for cover and bitterly complain about this weather taking away one of their last days of summer, I chuckle. It's one of the many difference between kid-Amber, and adult-Amber I guess, the practicality of rain at this dry time of year makes sense.

The smell makes me nostalgic for the August days in the town I was born, it reminds me of my grandmothers porch, the way my cousins and I loitered out there constantly one summer, placing bets on which family members would cross the line between loud and obscene at the next family dinner, or sneaking off to puddle jump when Grandma wasn't looking.

It's amazing really, to look back and notice how gradually, yet also so suddenly, life went from puddle-jumping to job proposals, from playing house to keeping one of my own. When I was a kid, it felt summer used to stretch on endlessly. Days would creep by so slowly it felt like you lived an entire lifetime in a week. Now, I am worrying about making it to my daughters swim lessons on time, buying her school supplies for kindergarten, and compiling what resembles a menu for the week so my grocery shopping has some method to it, while maintaining laundry, playdates, and doing homework, all in one day, leaving me feeling exhausted at the end of the day.

Even this summer, despite my best efforts to leave it as structureless as possible has been too full of plans and obligations. Will Em be able to look back and have memories of building the adventure around herself like my cousins and I did as we pretended the lilac bushes were our pirate hideout? Will she remember the freedom of exploring the world around her like I recall?

"Mom, let's jsut go outside and build some fairy homes, that's all I wanna do."

With any luck, and a spirit like hers, I am betting she will.

summertime ease

This enchilada sauce is my new pantry accessory. It saved me tonight. I created a nice little improv enchilada bowl that my kid LOVED! I cubed carrots and zucchini, simmered it in this sauce, poured it over rice and topped with grated cheese. HUGE success. Yay for simple.

Summer classes started yesterday. Who knew online classes would involve so much work? Actually, I did. Wishful thinking told me to hope for otherwise thought I suppose. But so far, aside from the computer class, they are all pretty fun. More on those later.

Finding time to run is hard with the little one here. Now that we are home together all day, all my alone time has vanished when she is home. So, I missed my run today, ah well. She loves to dance so maybe I will make up for it that way?

Also, my freezer jam? KILLER. Its awesome.

Something about being with my best friend reverts me back to a careless and slightly childish person in the most enjoyable of ways. On monday my little one headed to her dads house and Vanessa and I crammed all the "adult time" in as we possibly could before she left. This invovled bingo at Sam Bond's, which is cool if you don't mind heinous crowds. It wasn't our thing considering neither of us had gotten much sleep this week. And our original plan was to make strawberry jam all day on Tuesday. Until we woke up on Tuesday morning and she told me about this list she made while recovering from knee surgery about all the things she wanted to do when she was better. How can you not try and make as many of those things happen as possible? One of the items was watch the sunset on the beach while drinking whiskey. Now, I am not much of a whiskey person, but I do like the beach. So just like that we headed to the beach. (We took strawberries with us and made jam at the beach house we stayed at.)



We spent time walking on the beach, a very short time. The above picture was taken just before we stripped coats and jumped into the ocean for a swim. It was wonderful. We made awesome jam, a bitchin dinner, and Vanessa had her whiskey at sunset. Then we headed back out to the beach for shenanigans such as trying this seesaw we found...
and climbing trees, and doing cartwheels and generally just doing whatever came to mind. It struck me mid-cartwheel that I don't do this nearly often enough. Life gets so structured somehow between my daughters schedule and routine, homework, housework and all the other structures within my life that add to a routine and plan being created for my life around me. How joyful to just let go of that all, even if for just two days, and fly by the seat of our pants? I returned home yesterday after a 6am beach departure to babysit for a family needing care during a post-car accident doctors appointment, exhausted to the bone, sore from running on the beach, but feeling more light-hearted, youthful, and happy than I have in a long time. It is so rare that I do these things for myself, as a person, not as mom, and I am proud of myself for beginning to recognize that need and honor it. Besides, how could I resist being a total jack ass with someone so wonderful?

A perfect morning

My daughter and I are currently sharing a love affair with these awesome pancakes and grooving to the Bob Marley station on pandora.com

It's pretty cute to watch her bounce and dance to Bob in her nightgown and wild curly hair. This morning we are celebrating the beginning of our summer. Yesterday was my last final of spring term and her last day at her pre-k and the start of the summer of unplanned exploration with semi-planned camping trips, beach trips and road trips that allow ample time of unstructured discovery time in wild and magical places. And ya know, spring cleaning. Today we are getting rid of books and clothes, and yes, I bribed my child with the incentive of being able to keep the money from her stuff that the resale stores give us for it, whats so wrong with that?

If your a pancake fan, you have to try these (pulled from this vegan website that is awesome)...

Pancakes (Version 3)

Breakfast - Pancakes - -

INGREDIENTS

• 2 cups unbleached plain organic flour
• 1/2 cup sucanat or brown sugar
• 1 T baking powder
• 1 t salt
• 1-2 t cinnamon
• 2 cups soymilk
• 2/3 stick soy margarine, melted and cooled a bit
• 1 T vanilla extract
• Opt: blueberries

METHOD

Mix the dry ingredients together in a large bowl, and the liquid ones in a smaller bowl. Add the liquid to the dry, blending with a whisk (but not too much, or you'll activate the gluten in the flour. That's a secret). Now stir in the blueberries.

Cook them over medium-low heat (adjusting as neccessary), using the butter to grease the pan lightly for each cake if you aren't using a non-stick pan. Serve with *Vermont* maple syrup.

I use real butter because I feel like it, but earth balance works out well too. It makes about 10-12 small pancakes. We like them with fresh strawberries and syrup on top.

feel the burn

So I kinda love running. I went of my first run today and I love how every muscle in my body feels more awake now. I can even breathe better. In all fairness though, shortly before running, I was feeling rather lazy and was TOTALLY going to wuss out until my dear mother got home and I realized how irritable and cooped up I was feeling, and had to do something about it. SO I ran. AND it was awesome. How about that? I can already feel the burn in my thighs, but man, I just may have killer legs once I get to the 5k mark. Or at least have stronger lungs. Which will rock.

I am getting more and more excited for summer. My best friend works in the mountains for eight days at a time and has six days off. She has decided that she is going to give up her house for the summer since she is never there anyhow, and come live here for six days at a time. Her and I go way back to my very first UU youth con. She gets here on Thursday next week and I am loving the possibilities. And despite the depth at which I hate the pollen, I love this time of year because the fresh produce is just everywhere! I *will* learn how to can this year so that I can preserve some stuff, and will also be drying a fair amount too.

And the thinderstorms! I am in heaven! I know I shouldn't be because of the damage and tornado warnings and what not, but I CAN BREATHE! And they are so beautiful to watch. It reminds of the town I was born in August. (Did you catch the part about tornado warnings? In Oregon??? Woot global climate change!)