I love this time of year. I love the smell and sound of rain, I love the cool temperatures, I love the seasonal food coming available. I love the natural inclination to reflect. I love that this all coincides with my birthday, a logical time to reflect, with a season that is symbolic of certain things coming to an end and other new beginnings.

Today I am all by myself at home. In my yoga pants and sweatshirt, drinking tea and slowly doing some house work. The last week has been a stressful one, but has brought about some much needed change and questions. I ended a professional relationship with a client, which at first brought tremendous feelings of failure and guilt, but when settled in with, brought a huge sense of relief. I love being a health coach, but I need to refocus myself a but, and refine exactly who and how I want to help. It was my first full week at the part time job I took working with children. It was wonderful and tiring. I am not used to having to be up and presentable and at work by 7am. That is a dreadfully early time for me and my mind/body, which is part of the appeal of being self employed. But I love the people I work with and for, I love that I get paid to remember how to play and I love that it will provide some financial stability while I wade through this professional swamp I put myself in the middle of. Most of all, I love that I am off work in time to pick up Em from school and spend my afternoons with her. But, after a full week of it, I am exhausted.

All of the stress and change and changing of my mind left me in a bit of a funk the last few weeks. Well, more than just a bit of a funk, in a huge funk. But Friday came and found me ready to float out of it. My work day brought me laughter, my afternoon brought me some time to myself to organize my surroundings physically in order to make space mentally, and my evening brought me the company of a wonderful person who reminded me how to feel joyful about who I am. And to feel pretty. (I am comfortable enough now to be ok admitting that I like to feel pretty.)

My birthday is in a few weeks, and while turning 29 does not usually lead to a lot of re-evaluation and contemplation as 30 does in most people, I find myself spending a lot of time the last few days looking back at what I had expected to do with my 20's, and where I anticipated being as I stepped into my 30's. On the whole, I am not too upset with where I am, I am happy with my life. I think most of all, I am craving certain kinds of stability. None of this is new, but it is on my mind. Financial stability is something I continue to work towards, and probably always will because it doesn't seem a wise thing to just shirk that off. But also, stability that comes along with a solid community of people. Yes, I have my church community, my friends, but when I look at all the people dearest to my heart, they are scattered across the globe like seeds to the wind. I have started to focus a lot more on my immediate community, and working on finding people here, now, that feel like good people to align with, to care for, to laugh with, and to love.

As my daughter continues to grow, being a mom is an incredible gift. I enjoy her so much more than I think I ever thoughts parents could. Is that weird? That I thought that? Seeing her make her bold statements to the world around her inspires me to be more courageous and confident.

Yes, there are things I would like to change, to overcome, to repair. But as I look back on the last year of my life, I can say with confidence that this is the first time in my life that my problems and my stress don't encompass all of me. They don't define me, they don't rule my moods and decisions as much as they used to, and they don't sap my happiness. I am happy. And I love that.

I know I say this a lot, but it is so very true. I have a blessed life.

"i've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you, each one a line or two, i'm fine baby, how are you?"

How is it November already? When did this happen? I did not consent! Not that it's too terribly bad, but as the end of the year draws near I recede into my little homebody shell once more and begin to take stock of what's what in my life. This use to also bring on a little depression and frustration that my life wasn't where I wanted it to be or thought it should be, but I find this year that I enjoy providing this opportunity for myself. The self reflection is a chance for me to slow down my life, and intentionally take a moment for me. There is a lot I could say that isn't going the way I want it to in life, but it doesn't matter. I have done what I can and will continue to do so. Beyond that, I haven't let it stress me out more than it should. And damn that feels good. And my house is quiet. It is home again. My mother moved out and sometimes the silence and emptiness shocks me when Emily is away at her dads, but I am also reveling in the physical space I now have. Last night when I couldn't sleep, I was able to put on music and sing to myself in the dark and disturb no one who had to be up in the morning. Ahhhh. It is so divine, the waking up back into my home that I feel like is taking place right now.

This weekend I head to Seattle for the young adult OWL training and to visit boy. I am looking forward to the training. And the boy. But the training is easy to talk about whereas the boy just makes me feel like an idiot when I try to say anything about the situation. Partly because there is intentionally no definition or label, which feels perfect for my life right now but makes it a bitch and half to figure out how to explain. Or process. I am ok with that for right now though. Back to the training. I have been trying to get to an Our Whole Lives training for years now. My church tried to send me to the elementary and high school ones, but it never worked out, so I am really excited to be going to this one. Not only because I think it's a great program, but because it is coming with the bonus of pertaining to my life too.

Emily and I recovered from our bout with swine flu quite nicely. I caught shit in the grocery store for wearing the shirt that I made myself. I think it's rather awesome, some people are more easily offended than me though, and while I feel bad, it makes me want to wear the shirt even more. (It has a winking pig on the front and on the back it says "I survived H1N1 and all I got was this lousy shirt") And while I am sorry that it offends, I really feel like at this point in my life, if I can't laugh at what isn't right and count my blessings for the things that are, I would be sad. And that is just not something I am interested in making time for.

I am going home for thanksgiving. Like, to my fathers. This has enough loaded history to give me material for two or three months worth of NanoWrimo. So I won't get into it here. Suffice to say, I am anxious yet excited and relieved. The older I get the more I accept that there are parts of that town that I love, that I will always love, and that intrinsically a part of who I am. And that I miss it. Yikes.

This is my rant on love.

My life is not a movie. And it CERTAINLY isn't a Disney movie. But damn it all, I was raised in a Disney culture and indoctrinated with the idea that true and instant love exists if you are a pretty, prim and proper princess always perfectly groomed. And if you make yourself that, prince charming will come along, take one look at you and be madly in love. Love will be instantly professed via song, and you will spend the rest of your lives making each others happily ever after come true, after you overcome some obstacle put forth by an overdramatized yet poor excuse for a real life road block. (But you will do it with the grace and poise of a princess, not really putting any effort forth because your MAN is there to protect you.)

This is, of course, total bullshit.

And I have put forth good effort to realize what total shit it all is. Prince Charming doesn't exist. In my experience, anyone who immediately professes love is a complete psycho, has mommy issues, or is so co-dependent and needy that it makes my eyes cross. And being serenaded a profession of love is just embarassing. Furthermore, anyone who thinks they immediately love you generally has some mold or pedestal they have poured you into or stored you on (pedestals often start to feel like shelves after a while too) and it leads to a really frustrating learning curve when you are yourself instead of adhering to their fantasy. (Not that fantasies are ALWAYS bad, but let's face it, sometimes reality just pours in whether you like it or not. The more you accept that, the better things are.) Obstacles don't leave you after a half assed attempt at defeating them with you triumphantly looking pristine and beautiful. You look like hell has drug you through your worst nightmare and abandonded you in the middle a personal barren wasteland. (Or maybe that's just me?) Prince Charming isn't always the brave man he is supposed to be, he wails and hides from spiders, ignores bills he can't pay to gamble, drinks too much or lets you do an unfair portion of the work. People are real. They fart, they have cold feet under the covers at night, they tell off-color jokes sometimes, and can chew too loud or leave hair in the drain. All of which become the straws that break the camels back when the sparkle of new love wears off and one person realizes that the idea of companionship has jaded their vision and told them a lie.

Ok, but that wasn't my entire point here. Where was I going with this? Oh yes. So, in an attempt to shed all those silly notions of love and accept myself as a very non-disney princess type person, I happened to put up a lot of walls to keep the above events from taking place. I am pretty ok with the decisions I have made recently regarding my love life. In fact, damn near proud that I have been able to pay more attention to my needs than ever before, and have made conscious decisions to let people in or keep them at bay. So maybe I have given up on living out my happily ever after with the rich and handsome prince charming, which is ok, because I have a feeling that life gets pretty boring after that movie ends. But how about one about the quirky, opinionated and sometimes pretty unkempt woman who falls for an old friend and spends years with him trying to navigate what the hell it all means and where it goes? And the whole thing is a crazy, fun, not-so-dramatic and satisfying adventure? Because I think I just stepped into that one.

And now that I have spilled my bitter and cold side, I will have to admit that I do think true love exists. More and more all the time. I do believe that there is at least one person out there for me that won't drive me crazy after the honeymoon period, who loves me when I look like trash as much as he or she loves me when I look glorious. Someone who doesn't strive for perfection or material wealth, but contentment and a more simplistic outlook. Someone who doesn't give up when I am at my less patient, compassionate or tolerant. I am just not in such a hurry to get there that I am willing to settle. Or fool myself into believing "Ok, now THIS is the ONE."

And if all else fails, I will grow old amongst friends, wearing purple and red together, and own lots of dogs of which I will talk to like they are just like you and me.

Ooooh life.

Lately, I feel a little squished by it all. My attempts at escape or vacation have rendered me more stressed out than when I embarked, which is incredibly frustrating. Em has the chicken pox and until they popped up and were diagnosed I was at a loss as to why she was so out of sorts and emotional, which set me off and mixed with my mothers concern made for such a tense atmosphere the dog was suffering.

Death and serious illness has been everywhere I turn lately. In addition to all the celebrity death I see a lot of people distraught over, a friend was killed in a car crash, there have been several cancer diagnosis or suspicions, and so much more.

Taking four classes online, which I maintain was still a good idea because going to class would just suck ass, bring an incredible reading load that I am keeping up with but I am getting a little tired of it all.

But today, I am letting it all go for awhile. I am going to drink tea, listen to Nat King Cole and remember how to breathe, I am going to play with my sick kiddo. I am going get my car looked at so I can get it fixed and take her out to the woods. I am not going to worry about the dishes, the laundry or any other chores that just have to be done. I am going to take a nap, make popcorn and watch a movie. Unless I don't feel like it, then I won't. I am just letting it all go today.

Things I have learned recently

-Running on the beach? Not glamorous. The wind nearly and literally took my breath away until I felt definite lack of oxygen things happening.

-Running with my hair in a ponytail? I get secret joy out of feeling the swish of it back and forth. I know, it's silly, but it is one of those things that bring me small joy.

-My daughter may secretly be a wood nymph. Or something like that.

-The idea of a vacation outside of Oregon excites me.

-Most of the unbidden spiritual moments in my life, ever, have taken place in the woods, near water. I am thankful for the opportunity to experience such things and shall remember this next time I feel the need for spiritual retreat.

On Becoming Physically Fit

I must be doing something right this time around because there isn't nearly as much pain involved. A lot of people have asked me recently "Why the new interest in working out/running/etc.?" And that question is usually followed by the statement "You look just fine..."

Ok people, this has nothing to do with the way I LOOK. If cared enough about the way I look to push myself this hard I may also be caught leaving the house every day showered, never wearing clothes I had worn the day before, and always with my hair neatly in place and make-up perfectly done. As of right now, that has yet to happen. And I am ok with that. And might I add that I think it's a shame that the majority of people seem to think appearance is the only reason to maintain some sort of exercise routine.

My first reason for doing this is my health, which at times in the past has been scary and way below par. I am an asthmatic with allergies. Now these have their secondary health problems as well. Like poor circulation. Last time I got sick I noticed that my legs had a purplish tint. That is not normal. And not awesome at all unless I was going for resembling some sort of star trek-like alien life form. This is due to lack of oxygen and can lead to all sorts of gross things, like tissue death. Gross.

Another reason is that I hate being such a damn wimp. I guess around the time I left my childs father and dealt with anxiety for the first time in my life, and felt emotionally weak I felt motivated to change that, but the thing is, you can't rush recovery from an abusive situation. So I started to try and change what I could, my physical strength and well-being. Most of it centered on relaxation, but to be completely honest, I was so exhausted from trying to be nice to myself and be a good mom by myself that I didn't have the time or energy.

And a third reason is that I get bored really easily. Now that I have these long stretches of time when my daughter is with her father, I find myself getting bored. And when I get bored I become apathetic and lazy. And then I just feel like a slug. The best part of the running part of this new plan is the rush I feel after a run, and the new energy that lasts for hours after a run. I love that I can feel my body changing, breathing better, running longer and faster, I just feel more alive.

It just HAPPENS to be a nice side effect that my legs look less chicken-like as this all progresses.

I just found a yoga routine that centers on abdominal strengthening. Oy. Thats the only sore spot I have right now. There is one exercise where you lay flat on your back and lift your legs into the air, keeping them straight. I did what felt like a million of those yesterday. It also happens to be a part of my warm-ups for my runs, and damn if it wasn't the hardest part today. But, the warm-ups have been doing wonders for the run. I think that is part of the reason i haven't been sore.

Anyhow. I feel good. (Despite being bitter about probably not going to Anne-Marie's solstice party today, lame car troubles.)

Rocking my spirit

"I am challenging you guys spiritually to BE THE CHANGE! To look the pain in the eyes and reflect the solutions WITHIN your life..."

I am taking a class from one of the most passionate teachers I have ever encountered and it is changing my life. Truly.

I knew when registering for this class (Global Health) that I would be looking at a lot at privilege and oppression, health issues, and sustainability. I didn't expect the amount of passion it is all evoking within me. Not a day in that class has gone by where I haven't cried at least a little, and walked out angry at the dominant paradigm, and frustrated with myself for feeling so helpless against it all.

The last few weeks we have been talking about food. Where it comes from, what is in it, and how awful agri-business is and the damage it leaves in its wake. Did you know that Monsanto owns rights to something like over 90% of the seed used to grow crops in North America? It may even be the world, I am not sure. And if their seed cross pollinates with a near-by crop they can sue that farmer for using something they didn't pay for? Hello!? That happens naturally! That is just how it works. It is ridiculous that anyone could OWN that process essentially. It means that eventually they will OWN the food supply, control the food supply, and therefore have all the power. This is scary to me. Not only that, but in addition to owning the rights to the seeds, they are using genetically modified seeds. And I know that some people think this is a miracle of science, and yes, it's amazing we can do this, but why on earth would we want to? Creating seeds that are pesticide resistant lead to pesticide resistant weeds, which was why you wanted pesticide resistant plants in the first place, to kill the weeds faster, right? And in areas this is used they are seeing astounding problems with pests that were HARMLESS before they fucked with the natural balance of nature. Also, why on EARTH would anyone in their right mind think that it is safe to create a TERMINATOR gene for seeds so they don't germinate, and instead die? I know, I know, so that the companies can make more money. But think about it...cross pollination just happens like the air we breathe. When the wind blows, when bees do their things, and when humans and animals move throughout the world. It is just a fact of life. What happens when said terminator gene reaches our trees? All our plants? THEY DIE! And then, so do we.

Another reason to eat organic I suppose. I could go on about the other awful stuff companies like Monsanto do, like taking land from indiginous people and monocropping, which then kills the soil, and then deserting their mess, all the while displacing thousands of people in third world countries, paying them crap and driving their countries deeper into poverty. I am sure I will at some point....

I guess the point of this rant at the beginning was to say that I am making some big changes in life right now and I am excited to see where it takes me.

WAKE UP! Its real.

I am constantly frustrated at others (and my own) inability to step outside their own culture and understand other peoples' ways of life. Are we really so stuck up to think that our destructive and selfish american lifestyle is that much better than someone living a life that may have more experience with poverty and not as much access to what we have? Because when it comes down to it, our consumer-oriented materialistic society is going to be what destroys the world. It already is. Look at how much land and how many natural resources we have dried up for our own selfish needs. How many species of plants and animals have been displaced or run to extinction because we needed more trees for houses, more petroleum for plastic, oil, fuels, and whatever else we find to pump it into? How many lives have been destroyed, and how many habitats have disappeared due to our societies hunger for coal? More power, more toys, more machines, is not necessarily better. Its getting harder and harder to ignore the increasingly frequent warnings from scientists about the climate change, and how its all our fault. Yes, its scary. Terrifying really. So what are most people doing about it? Nothing! We are buying more cars and building more unsustainable houses, we are paying even less money to even more impoverished countries around the world for a product that is not meant to last and only use up more of our increasingly diminishing resources. In the process the rich may be getting richer but the poor are getting poorer, the number of people living in poverty is increasing and its not just because they are privileged enough to be a rich white person. WAKE UP PEOPLE! Its time to take this seriously. Stop trying to go back to sleep and dream the world back into the state of the "American Dream" because it doesn't exist. It never did. We have been slowly killing the globe that sustains us. What a way to look a gift horse in the mouth.