At what point in life do the tables turn and we become our parents keepers? I signed no note of consent, received no disclaimers nor a heads up. I just somehow find myself in these moments of life where I am coaching mine through moments that feel familiar to what they have once done, or should have done, for me. How bittersweet. I am happy that I can return the support I received growing up. But it is exhausting sometimes. Sometimes, I don't want to play the calm one, I want to throw my hands up in the air, let out a breath of exasperation, or roll my eyes. I want to be the one seeking the solace, I want to be the one being completely honest about what it is that I think I want, or what it is I am scared of. But the truth is, I am scared to. Because what if what I am wanting is exactly what will hurt them the most? How do I reconcile the parts of me that want my family close and familiar with the part that is screaming and begging for a little more space/independence/trust/faith of my own? They don't seem to be compatible at all.

It is then that I take a deep breath and realize that what being in the position of parental guidance provider means is that I have reached a point in life where I am closer to what I would call "stable". And suddenly it isn't so much of a burden, but brings peace into my soul. I CAN do this because I am confident enough in who I am and what I am trying to do with my life that I can provide the love and support to other people. The challenge comes in honoring myself at the same time and stopping to appreciate the moments unbidden that give me a moments quiet reflection to appreciate all that I have, all that I am, and all that is part of life.

I would be lying if I said I didn't get overwhelmed by my living situation. It is crowded. But I have gained a perspective into who my mother is that I would have never gotten elsewhere and while I may get really frustrated sometimes, I don't think I would change it or trade the experience for anything. And I am always in flux as to how I would like my father to stand in my life, but from his misgivings and mistakes I have had a constant visible reminder of what living in fear will do to a person. He may be the most unhealthy person I know, but he is still my father. I can't run away from that, although I have spent the better half of the last 27 years trying. I am always closer to accepting the fact that he isn't the type of father that I would have chosen had I been given the chance, but maybe he is the one I needed in this life in order to learn something. (Or maybe I just got the shit end of the stick...)

For now though, I am sensing a need to focus on me, how I mother to my wonderful child, and the work I do in this world.