Credo Week, day one: Who am I?

Who am I?

Who am I in terms of my cultural backround, my gender, my activities, my family and their history? What do the things I really enjoy say about who I am? What is my religious story, from childhood til now? Are there some beliefs I held when I was young that aren't true for me now? How have I become the person I am today? What experiences and beliefs have shaped me? Where is my life journey headed? (questions brought to you by Credo Week on facebook found here)

Answering the question of who I am conjures of images of who I used to be, and who I want to be, all of which mixes into a blur of who I am right now. It's fluid, I am constantly changing. That is one of the beautiful parts of this life I have been given, I am constantly provided with the opportunity to reassess who I am, where I am, and what I am doing. It brings me great joy to know that I can change that and it's not only alright, but a wonderful thing!

But who am I really? I am me. A woman learning more and more everyday to embrace femininity. I am a mother. First and foremost to my beautiful little girl, but also to the world at large. My gift to this world, or one of them, is my capacity to love and care for those who need it. It is in my passion to feed people. Not just food that sustains them, but to feed their souls, their minds, and their hearts. It is found in my desire to know what is behind tremendous acts of faith or displays of love. It resides in my ability to listen and feel the emotion behind the words. And it hides in the quiet embrace of spirit that I strive to feel all around me. I have discovered these gifts within me as a bi-product of being raised with a broken, dysfunctional, hilarious, marvelous family. One that destroys itself out of habit, has offensive and violent dedication to things that don't make sense. One that has faith, when convenient, and opinions galore. One that has hurt and neglected me. And one that has loved and held me. Climbing through the anger and pain to be able to see the beauty has taught me that this gift of who I am, it is because I who I was, who they are. I have the strength, and wisdom that I do because of them. I have the empathy and compassion in spite of them. And I appreciate the true gems found among them because of the failings of the rest.

I began life thoroughly confused by religion and God. The institution of church felt cold, uninviting and mandatory. God felt vengeful and unloving, a suspicious father figure waiting for the inevitable moment when I would display that I was, in fact, a bad person. Why would a diety create a body of people only to set them up for failure and eternal damnation? How was this a loving creator? As I got older, I realized I didn't ascribe as completely to the tenets of faith that those around me did. I craved more on a personal level. If I was going to follow God, I wanted to have a good long conversation with him before I turned over my soul to his care. My mother, bless her, never did what others tried to do, which is tell me what God's answers would be to my demands and questions. The acceptability and encouragement of spiritual exploration led me down many paths over the years and somewhere along the lines I realized I was a Unitarian Universalist. A community of love and respect, with the freedom to choose what I believe. It is through this open acceptance that I have felt the safety to question what I believe, to open up to myself and others about my doubts, my fears, and my joys. The resources to explore what other paths are out there that support my own personal spiritual growth. This has taught me to be confident in the life I choose to lead. This has provided me with a loving spiritual home to fall back upon when I need it most. And it has given me an avenue in which to give. To serve. It is through this service that I have felt most connected with a web of life, with Spirit. I can't define precisely what kind of diety I believe in, but I know that I have not found it in someone else's bible or law. I know it is there because of the serene and perfect moments in life in which I have felt it. And because of the moments which I refused to believe in it, yet found it was still there. I have felt it most often through the spirit of love and the way in which it enters and blesses my life. Through the people that I know, and the challenges I have.

I give because I love. I learn because I thirst. I write because I long to connect and share. I love because of what I have received in life. I am still standing because of my courage to keep climbing through the tears and laughter of love, hate, confusion, despair, contentedness, joy, sadness and ambiguity of life.

It is impossible to define who I am without defining the world around me and everything in it, because it has all contributed to the maze inside of me. But whatever it is, whoever I am, or wherever I end up, it will be amazing and beautiful.

The well feels dry, but I think I may be drowning.

Today I am scrambling around like a chicken with my head cut off. I am about to depart for the weekend, to attend the Unitarian Universalist Associations Pacific Northwest District assembly. While my body has been in constant motion this morning it has given my mind a lot of time to digest why I do this work. It's been an interesting conversation that I have had with myself.

For years, my involvement with my church has come from a place of gratitude for the spiritual fulfillment that I have gained from being a part of this community. It is why I took my position as a youth advisor. To ensure that the community that so vitally fed me during my teen years was there for others who needed it. It is why I took a position on the district board of directors when offered. Coincidentally, it is also why I resigned my position on the board three years later, because I felt like my energy would be better served elsewhere. (Not that being on the board was a horrible experience, I actually cherish the whole adventure, I was just pulled elsewhere.) It is why I have stepped onto planning committees and into sponsor and advisor roles. Because I LOVE this community. I care for the members. I feel interconnected to all.

Lately though, I have felt this thirst for spirit in my life. I haven't been feeling it come from my church experiences, and this makes me sad. I do not feel that I am in the wrong place, I still feel like this is where I would like to be, but where is the faith that I felt before? Has my nerdy love for organizing and business and leadership drown it all away? Or is it just that I have reached a point in my life where I am again needing to re-evaluate my own personal spirituality?

The Rev. Peter Morales, the UUA president, in November wrote an article that articulated very clearly that ours if a faith of service and action, that it is only through service that we experience faith. It also very clearly stated that hanging out is not a spiritual practice. While I agree that, in priciple, this is a faith of service and action, I cannot ascribe to the belief that this is the only way to experience faith. And I absolutely know that hanging out can be spiritual. Of course, this does depend on your definition of "hanging out" and how often you just "hang out", but I feel very confident in saying that some of the more spiritual experiences in my life have come from spending time in community with just the right people. That sitting around and talking has brought about some very foundation-shaking ideas for me. So if this is not a faith where this is something considered spiritual, maybe I'm not in the right place?

I am not saying that I am ready to throw in the towel, declare I am not a UU anymore, and disappear. I am a UU. I agree very strongly with our principles. I love the people and groups that I put my time and energy into here in this organization. But I need something more. It's time for a spiritual quest of sorts, I suppose.

It's also time to fold clothes so that I can pack.

a dribble of random

My life is so full of wonderful things right now. I feel so incredibly blessed. And proud of myself for having taken the time to refocus myself and decide where to put my time and energy. This last weekend I was up in Seattle for meetings surrounding youth ministry and also to spend time with really great people. And I came home feeling loved and comforted.

As some background on the youth thing, I took on a district volunteer role as an adult to a group of youth leaders. I was honored when approached about this, but a little nervous. Am I cut out for it? Will I really have the energy to put into it that I would like and that they deserve? I had just resigned from the district board because after two years I still didn't feel like sitting in those meetings was where I was supposed to be. I left the YES (Youth Empowerment Services) meeting this weekend inspired and excited to be working with such amazing people. So, I got my answer. Yes, this is where I want to be, this is something I can and want to do, and it's going to be fun to boot. It feels more like doing good things with good friends than work.

School starts tomorrow. I am ready to move on to the next step in my education, which is good because I just got a letter from the financial aid department that basically says "HURRY THE HELL UP, WE ARE TIRED OF GIVING YOU MONEY WHEN YOU HAVEN'T PICKED A PROGRAM YET!" I am now at the stage of applying to nursing schools and scholarships for said schools. It's intimidating and exciting all at once. I am also applying for some public health programs and the policy, public planning and management program at UO. Because I am just indecisive like that. I am also wavering between a degree in social work related stuff and Spanish. Ahhh options, you are such a blessing and a curse sometimes.

Last week my childs father and I had a conversation about how we should talk more because we, ya know, share a kid. I was so encouraged by this and was thinking "yes! he's has finally let go and is starting to think more about this!" until he said "can you just not date any men?" and my hopes were dashed. I am at a loss as what to do there. It really is important that we communicate more, for the sake of our child, but I am tired of feeling like it all hinges on whether I am in a relationship with someone else. Or whether I am PC enough around him to keep his temper in check. It has been almost five years since we separated and I am tired of being at a place where if I meet someone I could see myself with that I cringe and wait for the explosion. It isn't fun.

Ok, I have rambled enough, time to pick up Em from school...

Remember that guy?

Let me start by saying that I don't EVER want to be a teenager again. Ever. No one could pay me enough to go through that swamp of hormones, angst, broken hearts, and dramatic days. Ever.

But.

I really miss some of the friendships. Recently Vanessa brought down a photo album from youth conferences and we pulled out mine as well and spent a good hour or two looking through them, putting names to faces and talking about where all these people went.

"Remember the night I couldn't sleep because of nightmares so you guys stayed up with me all night long?"

"Remember when we got kicked out of the no-talent show because we were laughing too hard and went and rearranged the messages written on the dorm windows with masking tape?"

"Oh my god! I remember that kid! He was so funny!"

"Oh damn. Flattering. That was taken after dancing for four hours straight."

"Hey, I remember this! This was that night we rented the hotel room after the planning meeting and..."

"Hahaha, I can't believe we actually got him to put that on!"

Along with all these come flooding in the secrets, the bonding, the feeling of total acceptance. That feeling of knowing that even though it was going to be at least 6 months until you saw them next, when you did they were still some of your best friends.

And then we all got old. We moved away, went to school, got married, had kids, started our own businesses, passed away, drifted into a life completely our own and totally separate and away from the places we used as a breeding ground of intimate friendships.

I miss them. Well, most of them.

Also, I still have all the pictures suckers! Expect some exploitation coming to a facebook near you.

More and more I am finding parts of life I have been longing for. Isn't that great?

Yesterday I spent the day at the grassroots garden, a community garden here in town that grows organic produce for the local food bank. I have been there a few times with Em and it was a blast, she got a kick out spreading manure on the broccoli. "It's poooooooop mommy!" This time I went by myself. One of the great things about this garden is the outdoor kitchen in which they cook lunch for the volunteers everyday. Most of the food used comes from the garden itself, and it is always delicious! (They have a cob oven they use for pizza sometimes too...) Yesterday I spent my whole day in the kitchen, getting to know the garden coordinator and talking about feeding people. It was marvelous. This woman has so much passion for the work she does that you cannot stand next to her and remain in a lack-luster mood. By the end of the day I landed myself an Americorps intern postion as the kitchen coordinator in exchange for school scholarship money. Fabulous!

I have changed my major, and while I worry that I may never stay with something long enough to finish a degree, this truly feels like the right place to be. I have been sitting in this global health class all term, learning about these incredibly urgent issues threatening the health of people and the environment, and the more I learn, the less making a phone call or signing a petition satisfies the need in me to do something about it all. I will be transferring to Oregon State University next spring to get a bachelors in health promotion and education and a minor in sociology, then a masters in teaching (high school and college levels). I want to teach, I always have, and I want to make an impact on these things threatening the emotional and physical well-being of us all. This combines my need to do something, with my spiritual passion, my passion for teaching, and is something that will keep me in a constant state of learning. I am very excited to see what the next few years bring me.

I have also recently resigned my position on the district board of directors through my church, and have taken on an adult advising role within the district youth leadership community. I feel this was an important step for me as I have always felt a passion for providing such a wonderful community for our youth, and a need to do such as it is the community that helped foster my own spiritual and personal development as a youth. I am looking forward to seeing what this brings into my life as well.

I have also been more dedicated to my personal health than in the recent past. It helps that this time of year fresh produce is abundant. I am working on cutting out processed sugars. She's a temptress, she is. I am still doing yoga and am adding in a more well rounded workout schedule/exercise/active time as well, and I feel so much better. Partly because it is intentional 'me' time, but also, I really need to just get off my ass more. I am thinking about joining a volleyball or soccer team through the city. Although, I have never played soccer....

And yay for three day weekends!

youth con

Defining my experiences as a youth in the UU youth conference community, and the impact they have had on my life, is something that still, ten years later, I still can't completely do. Becoming a sponsor was something that I always just knew I would do, it was a natural occurance to me, to help provide the same community that was so vital for me, to our youth today. At this last conference my best friend Vanessa, whom was one of my first and greatest con friends, attended as the nurse and it is the first one we have been at together in ten years. Being in that community with her help me to realize a little more just how special this all is.


Ok, so that is a start....it will have to be finished later. I got six hours of sleep the entire weekend and thought prcesses are still working on their return...

Everyday Ritual

As I sat through a workshop on bringing ritual into family life I realized how utterly lacking my life is of ritual. Not only that, but how my daughter doesn't get to experience much of it either, and that made me incredibly sad. Some of the most magical moments in my life have centered around the ritual I experienced as a UU, and as someone who celebrates the full moon. When did all of this slip away? And how startling is it that I didn't notice for a very long time?

For so long I had tried to escape the patriarchical church traditions such as the lords prayer that I used to have to recite. It wasn't until very recently that I realized I silently pray more than I am aware of, and that I deeply value it as a practice. I think I needed time to accept this and separate the necessity of prayer in life with the early memories I hold of church, which is wedded to beliefs I can't ascribe to. Once I was able to do that I was astonished at how easily prayer fits into UU rituals I value and wish to practice. Such as lighting a candle. Well duh! Took me long enough.

I vowed to incorporate more spiritual routine at home with Emily. And I love how excited she is about it so far. Today we glued terra cotta trays to upside town terra cotta pots and painted them. We have two, one for the dining room table, and one for the bedside table. I figure intentionally starting dinner with some words easy for her to remember and lighting a candle will not only meet the need of a more spiritually infused family life, but also more intentionally bring us together to eat, instead of different people sitting around a table not really being present with each other. And Emily makes a point every day to tell me about what she had fun doing, and I love the idea of expressing gratitude for what life brings our way no matter how many other stresses exist, so that will now be a bedtime routine.

Something else I wanted to say about this incredible workshop. Ok, well two. One of the wonderful ladies leading this read something she wrote (oh whaddya know, she writes a blog, Chalice Spark, you should read it, she is wonderful) about the traditions she and her family started around the holidays. It was touching and refreshing to hear of a valued family tradition that didn't center around materialism. It brought tears to my eyes to hear how much these simple acts have brought their family together. The other wonderful lady that led this workshop has the most amazing co-parent set up that I just have to mention because I am so damn envious. She and her ex-husband are both remarried and share two teenage sons. They have a convenant of shared values, and also recognize that at each household there is a whole other set of values that they wish to uphold. Not only that but all four parents SIT DOWN AND TALK every quarter to check in on life and how the arrangements are going. They have agreed upon shared expenses for the boys that have an online budget where they keep track of who has spent what, and if one parenting team owes the other they PAY PAL it to them. Not only that they have an online calendar where they keep track of where the boys are and when, who is picking them up and what they are doing.

Oh. My. Goodness. How easy would that make everything? I don"t even know that my ex can use a computer. But if I could have such an arrangement, I might get bored with how much more smoothly things would run. Wait, just kidding, I WOULD DANCE WITH GIDDYNESS! Someday. Maybe.

For now though I will settle for sharing special little moments daily with my beautiful little girl.

Woes of a UU young adult...

Let me preface this by saying a few things before I begin to let my mind wander in an effort to debrief parts of annual general meeting.
1) Despite occasional crises of faith, I am a Unitarian Universalist through and through.
2) Despite my age, I constantly wonder whether I identify with many peers in my faith community.
3) Most of my experience with young adults within the UU movement at some point always brings up the issue of why there aren't more young adults involved in their congregations. My opinions and feelings on this matter are something I am constantly evaluating.
4) Because I am really bad at unpacking my acronyms when I get all fired up about something, I should say for those of you who may not know them, UU= Unitarian Universalist, YA=young adults. A group loosely defined as ages 18-35. I have my own severe opinions on the appropriateness of that broad age range, but that is an entry for another time.

Looking around at the annual general meeting I was sad to notice that I could count on fingers how many people I ran into that were younger adults. Ok, so maybe there were more, but still not many. I know there are more out there. So where are they? Why aren't they present? In my district the issue of young adults and a district wide young adult community has at times been a very volatile one. When the shift of not only our district but of the UUA intentionally focused more on congregations, this meant re-examining the district communities of youth and young adults. A youth community is still present because they are all parts of youth groups within their respective churches. What was found within the young adult community was a majority of attendees to YA conferences that were in no way connected to churches, and a scary portion of adults, no longer YA's hanging on to their glory days and bordering on sexual predator. Not only that, the patterns that district YA leadership seemed to be repeating over and over was a vicious cycle of building up a community in shambles only to have it fall apart all over again. It was not healthy. Furthermore, district policy reflected the fact that the district exists to serve congregations. How to justify spending a large portion of resources on a large group of people that weren't tied to congregations?

This is the part where I wonder what is happening on a congregational level that is pushing away YA's. Because if you ask any UU young adult that doesn't attend church, they will say that there isn't much that makes them feel like a church is their spiritual home. And can you blame them? YA's that have grown up UU are transitioning out of a very vital and active youth community that is based on relational connections and acting upon shared values. Walking into a church where you sit and listen, do not interact, and don't find many peers to connect to is less than appealing. But here is the catch. Have the YA's doing most of the complaining ever approached said unwelcoming church to ask them if they could maybe think about providing for the needs of various spiritual age groups? They minister to youth, they have adult RE, maybe it is just that the church leadership haven't recognized the need for something there in between. Every YA I have talked to about this that has actually asked, has had an open response. More often than not congregations are more than willing to try and accomodate the needs that young adults are seeking to have met.

With all this said though...there is more. Once I let go the pain I felt at a lack of YA community, at home and district wide, it made space to examine what I am really wanting in a spiritual home. I think this is a natural and healthy step in spiritual development. What I am continually finding is several avenues that my spiritual needs are being met within church, I just have to stop and look around. I am not implying that YA's are not looking hard enough, they are. Some even more than they should have to. But I do think that in general, there is an expectation on the YA end that their needs will be met without the understanding that, as in all relationships, it is a healthy reciprocal nature that must exist for all to thrive. And on the congregational side, there is a lack of understanding that while adults, younger adults often DO have different spiritual needs that are just as important as adults in their 40's or older.

I would love to see a program that supports congregations in exploring how to make theirs a welcoming home for not only YA's, but for all ages. And I don't mean that this should be accomplished by showing them how to set up a YA or campus ministry group, I want to see an integrated form of worship that recognizes and respects all people that feel a pull towards the UU faith, a worship that they can come to and see their values reflected in a way they recognize, and understand, while learning to celebrate the differences in every one of us that come here. I want to see a deliberate fostering of leaders not only in the people we traditionally seek and call to serve, but among youth, young adults, across cultures and races, lifestyles and economic classes. People often wonder why, when they look around their sanctuaries, they observe a sea of middle aged, middle to upper class white people. It's not coincidence.

Ok, stepping off of that soap box now. There is another waiting for me to climb up on tomorrow.

like a light in the darkness...

I am constantly amazed at how inspiring I find it to be surrounded by people of the same faith as I identify with. While I am here at our annual meeting for my district as a district board member, I walk away refreshed and with a new sense of a spiritual home. There is just so much to process and I am absolutely exhausted.

However, the last few days have been filled with frustration to the max. The deepest frustration being the point in which I was sitting in a meeting and listening to someone say that the reason that young adults and youth should not and do not participate in visioning about the future of our religious movement is because they are not asking the kinds of questions we are looking for answers to.

What?

Let me take a step back and say the the questions being referred to in this statement are along the lines of "What do we want our spiritual home to be working towards? What kind of difference do we want to make? What does that look like?" And I totally disagree with this persons opinion. Not only do I disagree but I am trying really hard not to to get all indignant and pissed off. Young adults have been struggling for years with trying to integrate their desires and ideas surrounding those very issues into congregations and UU communities while encountering a total lack of something to identify with there.

My other frustration? The fact that my days have been at least 12 hours long, usually full of engagements in which it is totally inappropriate for me to check out and space off.

BUT! There have been really amazing parts as well. Every board meeting I go to feels more productive than the last. And I feel more and more like it is somewhere I want to be. And I love that. I have had some truly inspiring conversation that have re-inspired my connection to my faith and that makes me happy. It has been slightly crazy-making the last few months, what with all the doubt in whether it still feels like home in the UU community for me.

I attended some really great workshops. I learned more about the Faith Without Borders program, which brought up some really great points about where we focus our social justice work. I was led in Big Mind Meditation. And went to a wonderful workshop about bringing ritual home. I had a really great conversation with some friends/colleagues about the state of young adult ministry. I had touching conversations about parent that made me laugh and cry and want to squeeze and cuddle my child.

I have so much to say about all of this. The problem being right now that I am so beyond exhausted that I can't make all the words come out coherently. More later I suppose?