autumn is something I love

I love autumn. This season is my favorite. It is still warm enough to be at the tail end of a growing season so there is fresh produce. The leaves are turning making the street look like they are lined with fire, you can almost hear the sigh of the earth drinking in the rain we have all been waiting all summer for, and it is warm, but not too warm. Mornings and evenings call for tea or hot chocolate drunk to the sound of rain falling, daytime consists of puddle jumping and exploring the new wet world (when school isn't swallowing our faces whole). Something about the darkness that is growing ever closer brings out the homemaker in me even more so than she is usually present. I begin baking my bread with a renewed vigor, I have elaborate comfort food meal plans (half of which may even make it to my table), and this year, I will add cheesemaking to that winter to-do list.

I have always loved this time of year, but having my daughter with me makes it all the more enjoyable. "Momma, look at the leaves, they are beautiful! I see red, and orange, and green, and purple, and they sound like rain when they all fall like that!" Yesterday we spent the day out at our favorite arboretum where we dutifully monitored the lily pond from frog eggs, to tadpoles, to full blown frogs. While our usual hike was out of the question due to trail restoration, we went for a walk along the river. My kid notices an impressive amount of detail about nature. That the tiny fish that were there in July are gone, the water level has risen, the crickets sound different. It is like rediscovering the world all over again. I love it. Emily's favorite game when we are outside is to play "I Spy". This started out as a time-passer on the bus to and from school, but it has evolved into a game to see who can notice the most unique and minute details about the world around us. The texture of bark or leaves, the scent of pine needles. The proud mom in me bursts when I watch the inventiveness and intelligence she throws into this game, often times stumping me and leading me to discover things that I would have never noticed.

And, on a different note, my mom is moving out in three days.

the backpacking itch

So. I am itchin. I NEEEED to go backpacking. I know, I know, it's a little late in the year for most trails I want to go on, but thats ok, because if you know me very well, the idea of me with a 50 lb backpack for days is slightly hilarious, slightly pathetic. Suffice to say-I am not in backpacking shape. But screw that. I can dream. And get in shape. What I REALLY want to do is summit Rainier. But, since I am not into self-torture, I would rather wait until I am ready. So, in the mean time I am making a list of place I do want to try. Let's start with the smaller hikes, shall we?

-Mt. Neahkahnie Trail, 7 miles along the Oregon Coast. Can we say gorgeous?

Ok, I got totally distracted and the rest of my list was lost. But that is part of the fun-building lists and dreaming.

I am open to suggestions in Oregon and Washington, whatcha got?

A miracle in my garden.

I have been reading this book instead of studying for my anatomy exam and I am loving it. This book goes along with what I want to do with my life so closely, and is inspiring me to get up and grow my garden, make my own cheese and be more sustainable. I can't put it down. There is so much information between these two covers that it is astounding. There is not only the story of a family making a solid commitment to eat only locally grown whole foods for an entire year, but there is an overwhelming amount of information about farm bills, genetic engineering, the evils of trusting corporations to control our food supply and so much more.

And it's all about food! I love food! The last few years I have slowly come to the conclusion that what I really want to be when I grow up is a housewife to my entire community. I want to feed people and care for people. I want to show them how to sustain themselves while caring for the environment and the people that help us along the way. It's a little surprising to me that I crave such a "traditional" path in life. I want to grow my own food, can it or put it up for winter, I want to spend my days making delicious food made from homegrown ingredients, baking bread, making cheese and tending my garden. I want to homeschool my daughter, or at the very least, spend time engaging in these activities and others that reflect a value and respect for the miracles around us. I want to teach people how to eat simply yet vivaciously and deliciously. These things don't feel like work to me, they feel like giving back, something I enjoy doing.

So how do I make that happen? I don't know yet, but I know that someday i will make it happen.

For now, I will continue to curl up on my couch and read this book, and other books about container gardening on my little back porch, about preserving food, about the wonderful hidden pleasures in homemade cheese and bread. I will drink tea, and little by little accomplish each of these things. And it will be blissful and made of awesome.

And I will insist that everyone read this book.

This is my rant on love.

My life is not a movie. And it CERTAINLY isn't a Disney movie. But damn it all, I was raised in a Disney culture and indoctrinated with the idea that true and instant love exists if you are a pretty, prim and proper princess always perfectly groomed. And if you make yourself that, prince charming will come along, take one look at you and be madly in love. Love will be instantly professed via song, and you will spend the rest of your lives making each others happily ever after come true, after you overcome some obstacle put forth by an overdramatized yet poor excuse for a real life road block. (But you will do it with the grace and poise of a princess, not really putting any effort forth because your MAN is there to protect you.)

This is, of course, total bullshit.

And I have put forth good effort to realize what total shit it all is. Prince Charming doesn't exist. In my experience, anyone who immediately professes love is a complete psycho, has mommy issues, or is so co-dependent and needy that it makes my eyes cross. And being serenaded a profession of love is just embarassing. Furthermore, anyone who thinks they immediately love you generally has some mold or pedestal they have poured you into or stored you on (pedestals often start to feel like shelves after a while too) and it leads to a really frustrating learning curve when you are yourself instead of adhering to their fantasy. (Not that fantasies are ALWAYS bad, but let's face it, sometimes reality just pours in whether you like it or not. The more you accept that, the better things are.) Obstacles don't leave you after a half assed attempt at defeating them with you triumphantly looking pristine and beautiful. You look like hell has drug you through your worst nightmare and abandonded you in the middle a personal barren wasteland. (Or maybe that's just me?) Prince Charming isn't always the brave man he is supposed to be, he wails and hides from spiders, ignores bills he can't pay to gamble, drinks too much or lets you do an unfair portion of the work. People are real. They fart, they have cold feet under the covers at night, they tell off-color jokes sometimes, and can chew too loud or leave hair in the drain. All of which become the straws that break the camels back when the sparkle of new love wears off and one person realizes that the idea of companionship has jaded their vision and told them a lie.

Ok, but that wasn't my entire point here. Where was I going with this? Oh yes. So, in an attempt to shed all those silly notions of love and accept myself as a very non-disney princess type person, I happened to put up a lot of walls to keep the above events from taking place. I am pretty ok with the decisions I have made recently regarding my love life. In fact, damn near proud that I have been able to pay more attention to my needs than ever before, and have made conscious decisions to let people in or keep them at bay. So maybe I have given up on living out my happily ever after with the rich and handsome prince charming, which is ok, because I have a feeling that life gets pretty boring after that movie ends. But how about one about the quirky, opinionated and sometimes pretty unkempt woman who falls for an old friend and spends years with him trying to navigate what the hell it all means and where it goes? And the whole thing is a crazy, fun, not-so-dramatic and satisfying adventure? Because I think I just stepped into that one.

And now that I have spilled my bitter and cold side, I will have to admit that I do think true love exists. More and more all the time. I do believe that there is at least one person out there for me that won't drive me crazy after the honeymoon period, who loves me when I look like trash as much as he or she loves me when I look glorious. Someone who doesn't strive for perfection or material wealth, but contentment and a more simplistic outlook. Someone who doesn't give up when I am at my less patient, compassionate or tolerant. I am just not in such a hurry to get there that I am willing to settle. Or fool myself into believing "Ok, now THIS is the ONE."

And if all else fails, I will grow old amongst friends, wearing purple and red together, and own lots of dogs of which I will talk to like they are just like you and me.