I am embarking on an exciting journey. For the last year or so I have been searching for a path that would allow me to fulfill more of my needs and I am beginning to walk down a new road that I feel will do just that. I love the feeling of excitement, curiosity, and unfamiliarity that is overflowing with possibility. Today is the first official day of my program with the Institute of Integrative Nutrition. For roughly the next year I will be learning how to make better choices with my life, change the way I eat, and the way I live, in order to feel better. I will also be learning how to help other people do the same for themselves. Just thinking about this new journey gives me the chills, in a good way! There have been so many people in my life that have supported me, cradled me, loved me, pushed me to listen to what I want to do and then help me get there. I know I have said this before, but I am truly blessed.

Here's to a new adventure...

Seeing and not being able to reach.

So I have been complaining online and off for more than just a few months now that I feel a little lost as far as my education goes. I have an interest in the health/medical field, but nursing won't cut it. I wanted more of an integrative approach to health and wellness, I want to help people live healthier and more fulfilling lives in a way that encompasses many kinds of health, not just physical. My problem has been that I never really knew of a way to do this without being in school for about 11 different bachelor degrees for the rest of my freaking life.

Enter fate via my friend Nancy and the Institute of Integrative Nutrition. OMG, it's perfect. It encompasses all of the above. They do distance learning. They help you find clients to work with while you are still in school. It is the most logical first step for me. Except that whole financial bit. This program is only $4500, which is cheaper than most by far. And if I can pay in a lump sum, it's only $4100.

I want to do this like woah. Do I just jump and trust that I will find a means to pay as I go? I have been living off of financial aid long enough to not have any of that monetary cushion underneath me. Paying rent is a bit of a priority. And finding a job is no walk in the part here. But I am going to try. And I am looking for/exploring other avenues to find the money (odd jobs, promies of work/goods in exchange for donations, fundraising, sugar daddies/mommas, etc. Ideas/suggestions welcome). The program starts in February, so ya know, oodles of time to figure it out. Like...10 days. Oy. I have about a third of what I need. So, it's a start. And I actually have a few potential freelance jobs so that is encouraging. I want to just go for it and hope it all works out, but that feels so...irresponsible.

It won't be the end of the world if I have to wait until next February. Frustrating? Yes, but manageable. I am ready though, to start doing more than just school. Seeing where I want to go is exciting to me, having an avenue to pursue. Now, I just have to overcome the challenge of monetarily getting there. I think I am up to it though.

In the meantime, I am taking a class from Nancy to experience more of what she does and what she got from going to school there. You all should check out her website.

a dribble of random

My life is so full of wonderful things right now. I feel so incredibly blessed. And proud of myself for having taken the time to refocus myself and decide where to put my time and energy. This last weekend I was up in Seattle for meetings surrounding youth ministry and also to spend time with really great people. And I came home feeling loved and comforted.

As some background on the youth thing, I took on a district volunteer role as an adult to a group of youth leaders. I was honored when approached about this, but a little nervous. Am I cut out for it? Will I really have the energy to put into it that I would like and that they deserve? I had just resigned from the district board because after two years I still didn't feel like sitting in those meetings was where I was supposed to be. I left the YES (Youth Empowerment Services) meeting this weekend inspired and excited to be working with such amazing people. So, I got my answer. Yes, this is where I want to be, this is something I can and want to do, and it's going to be fun to boot. It feels more like doing good things with good friends than work.

School starts tomorrow. I am ready to move on to the next step in my education, which is good because I just got a letter from the financial aid department that basically says "HURRY THE HELL UP, WE ARE TIRED OF GIVING YOU MONEY WHEN YOU HAVEN'T PICKED A PROGRAM YET!" I am now at the stage of applying to nursing schools and scholarships for said schools. It's intimidating and exciting all at once. I am also applying for some public health programs and the policy, public planning and management program at UO. Because I am just indecisive like that. I am also wavering between a degree in social work related stuff and Spanish. Ahhh options, you are such a blessing and a curse sometimes.

Last week my childs father and I had a conversation about how we should talk more because we, ya know, share a kid. I was so encouraged by this and was thinking "yes! he's has finally let go and is starting to think more about this!" until he said "can you just not date any men?" and my hopes were dashed. I am at a loss as what to do there. It really is important that we communicate more, for the sake of our child, but I am tired of feeling like it all hinges on whether I am in a relationship with someone else. Or whether I am PC enough around him to keep his temper in check. It has been almost five years since we separated and I am tired of being at a place where if I meet someone I could see myself with that I cringe and wait for the explosion. It isn't fun.

Ok, I have rambled enough, time to pick up Em from school...

summertime ease

This enchilada sauce is my new pantry accessory. It saved me tonight. I created a nice little improv enchilada bowl that my kid LOVED! I cubed carrots and zucchini, simmered it in this sauce, poured it over rice and topped with grated cheese. HUGE success. Yay for simple.

Summer classes started yesterday. Who knew online classes would involve so much work? Actually, I did. Wishful thinking told me to hope for otherwise thought I suppose. But so far, aside from the computer class, they are all pretty fun. More on those later.

Finding time to run is hard with the little one here. Now that we are home together all day, all my alone time has vanished when she is home. So, I missed my run today, ah well. She loves to dance so maybe I will make up for it that way?

Also, my freezer jam? KILLER. Its awesome.

I can smell the summer

Two weeks left in this term, one of which is finals so I only have to go for two days to take a test. I cannot begin to tell you how very relieved I will be when Tuesday of next week rolls around. I love my classes this term, but I am feeling a bit squashed. I am also looking forward to having all online classes for the summer.

Lately, I have been taking really poor care of myself, which is bad timing because the pollen is out in full force, which makes me want to hide inside all the days of my life. This is not conducive to having a five year old. So I am making these resolutions for summer:

1) Continue exercising at least five days a week, even though I won't have the fancy school gym to do so. I will be picking the couch to 5k program back up, and tailoring my yoga routine to counter the running, so flexibility and relaxation. I tend to through in pilates with it too because who doesn't want killer abs?

2) I am starting the detox over since I let it go during week one due to youth con. After detox I am going to try and maintain a 60% raw food diet, and no processed foods. And eat as local as possible. More rant on that one later.

3) Get those damn tomatoes planted, as well as a second round of greens and peas.


4) Get rid of at least 50% of the shit in my house. It is insanely cluttered and I am sick of it. My mother is moving out in a month or so and I figure it is the perfect time to purge myself of all the posessions wearing me down and organize what is left. With this also comes taking the coat closet and turning it into a dry goods storage so I can buy larger quantities of bulk foods.

5) Learn to can foods from Sara, and get a better food dehydrator. Preserve as much food as possible. This of course means an excuse to spend lots of time berry picking.

6) Take my daughter into the woods and camp as much as possible. Today in global health we learned about nature defecit disorder and it is terrifying. And it's an excuse to go camping without feeling so irresponsible.

More and more I am finding parts of life I have been longing for. Isn't that great?

Yesterday I spent the day at the grassroots garden, a community garden here in town that grows organic produce for the local food bank. I have been there a few times with Em and it was a blast, she got a kick out spreading manure on the broccoli. "It's poooooooop mommy!" This time I went by myself. One of the great things about this garden is the outdoor kitchen in which they cook lunch for the volunteers everyday. Most of the food used comes from the garden itself, and it is always delicious! (They have a cob oven they use for pizza sometimes too...) Yesterday I spent my whole day in the kitchen, getting to know the garden coordinator and talking about feeding people. It was marvelous. This woman has so much passion for the work she does that you cannot stand next to her and remain in a lack-luster mood. By the end of the day I landed myself an Americorps intern postion as the kitchen coordinator in exchange for school scholarship money. Fabulous!

I have changed my major, and while I worry that I may never stay with something long enough to finish a degree, this truly feels like the right place to be. I have been sitting in this global health class all term, learning about these incredibly urgent issues threatening the health of people and the environment, and the more I learn, the less making a phone call or signing a petition satisfies the need in me to do something about it all. I will be transferring to Oregon State University next spring to get a bachelors in health promotion and education and a minor in sociology, then a masters in teaching (high school and college levels). I want to teach, I always have, and I want to make an impact on these things threatening the emotional and physical well-being of us all. This combines my need to do something, with my spiritual passion, my passion for teaching, and is something that will keep me in a constant state of learning. I am very excited to see what the next few years bring me.

I have also recently resigned my position on the district board of directors through my church, and have taken on an adult advising role within the district youth leadership community. I feel this was an important step for me as I have always felt a passion for providing such a wonderful community for our youth, and a need to do such as it is the community that helped foster my own spiritual and personal development as a youth. I am looking forward to seeing what this brings into my life as well.

I have also been more dedicated to my personal health than in the recent past. It helps that this time of year fresh produce is abundant. I am working on cutting out processed sugars. She's a temptress, she is. I am still doing yoga and am adding in a more well rounded workout schedule/exercise/active time as well, and I feel so much better. Partly because it is intentional 'me' time, but also, I really need to just get off my ass more. I am thinking about joining a volleyball or soccer team through the city. Although, I have never played soccer....

And yay for three day weekends!

Rocking my spirit

"I am challenging you guys spiritually to BE THE CHANGE! To look the pain in the eyes and reflect the solutions WITHIN your life..."

I am taking a class from one of the most passionate teachers I have ever encountered and it is changing my life. Truly.

I knew when registering for this class (Global Health) that I would be looking at a lot at privilege and oppression, health issues, and sustainability. I didn't expect the amount of passion it is all evoking within me. Not a day in that class has gone by where I haven't cried at least a little, and walked out angry at the dominant paradigm, and frustrated with myself for feeling so helpless against it all.

The last few weeks we have been talking about food. Where it comes from, what is in it, and how awful agri-business is and the damage it leaves in its wake. Did you know that Monsanto owns rights to something like over 90% of the seed used to grow crops in North America? It may even be the world, I am not sure. And if their seed cross pollinates with a near-by crop they can sue that farmer for using something they didn't pay for? Hello!? That happens naturally! That is just how it works. It is ridiculous that anyone could OWN that process essentially. It means that eventually they will OWN the food supply, control the food supply, and therefore have all the power. This is scary to me. Not only that, but in addition to owning the rights to the seeds, they are using genetically modified seeds. And I know that some people think this is a miracle of science, and yes, it's amazing we can do this, but why on earth would we want to? Creating seeds that are pesticide resistant lead to pesticide resistant weeds, which was why you wanted pesticide resistant plants in the first place, to kill the weeds faster, right? And in areas this is used they are seeing astounding problems with pests that were HARMLESS before they fucked with the natural balance of nature. Also, why on EARTH would anyone in their right mind think that it is safe to create a TERMINATOR gene for seeds so they don't germinate, and instead die? I know, I know, so that the companies can make more money. But think about it...cross pollination just happens like the air we breathe. When the wind blows, when bees do their things, and when humans and animals move throughout the world. It is just a fact of life. What happens when said terminator gene reaches our trees? All our plants? THEY DIE! And then, so do we.

Another reason to eat organic I suppose. I could go on about the other awful stuff companies like Monsanto do, like taking land from indiginous people and monocropping, which then kills the soil, and then deserting their mess, all the while displacing thousands of people in third world countries, paying them crap and driving their countries deeper into poverty. I am sure I will at some point....

I guess the point of this rant at the beginning was to say that I am making some big changes in life right now and I am excited to see where it takes me.

swallowed by my brain

This term is going to be a big one. It is the end of the first week and I have an overwhelming amount of work to do. But it is all fun, and I am hoping it stays that way. My anatomy class gets major points from opening the term with a brain dissection which was a trip and a half. But very cool. And my global health class is going to be stretching me to think outside of my privileged white person box, which is always an exciting, albeit uncomfortable at times, experience.

The other thing life has been full of lately is a selective process of letting people in, and it's really nice. I am really beginning to realize the depth of trauma I walked away from when I left my childs father. Not just from the relationship, but from becoming a mother, and the changes that brought to me and my life as well. I have said this quite often, that she saved my life, and she really did. Being a mom has forced me to examine my relationship with myself intensely the last few years, and to learn all over who I am, and what kind of life I would like to lead. These things have led to a lot of distance between a lot of friends and myself. The process of letting go is never an easy one, but with the perspective I have gained, it is a little easier to be at peace with the decisions some people make. When I shifted my priorities in life to my child, I think a lot of people in my life took it as a statement of disapproval of their lifestyle because there are just situations I will not bring my daughter into. (When all you do is have party after party, you generally won't see your friends that are single parents, especially if said parents feel that exposing children to excessive drinking, drug use and adult situations is inappropriate. Logic, who knew, right?)

Lately, in my reflecting I have let go of the hurt that came with realization that some of my friends were not comfortable being close to someone with a child, someone who no longer drank, someone who was at a different stage in life. I am also learning to let go of the guilt I feel for intentionally putting mental, emotional and physical space between myself and people whom I used to consider dear friends, but that now, don't feel like healthy precenses in life. It took me a long time to get to this place. Especially when above mention unhealthy presences tried to hold on to an Amber that was no longer there. I have done a lot of changing and growing in the last five years since becoming a mom. I am happy with the person I am now, and secure with the continuing process that life is. I look forward to seeing where I continue to change and learn and grow. And I relish the fact that I have finally reached a point where the presence of other people is something I genuinely want, and seek out. And that there are filters in place to be respectful enough of myself to not get close to just anyone there, but to people that really do add something positive.

Ok, enough with the touching emo moment. The other cool thing about right now? A really cute, nervous boy kissed me the other night.

It's either really late, or really fucking early, depending on how you look at it. I have spent a lot of time the lasts few weeks contemplating my decision to not be a student anymore and work full time. I was so excited to go back to school, but as time wore on the excitement for academia could not overpower the extreme need to financially be a responsible person. (the background there is I spent a good few years before I learned my lesson being very irresponsible with my credit rating, which coincidentally is now shot to hell.)

But I had this whole "took me so long to get here gonna see it through till the end" mind frame to contend with. But because I was so ass poor, I HAD to be taking a full course load to get enough financial aid to pay for everything but some portion of my rent. (Thanks mom!) So, plugging right along, I took summer classes, and instantaneously regretted it. It was hot. It was sweaty. It was hours my time spent trying to understand the excitation-contraction process and all the little enzymes and what not that go into making me a human being capable of digestion. (By the way, I still see those pictures from the textbook every time I eat or pee, thank you very much.) I felt that by halfway through the term, I was doing that whole army crawl thing that kids learn to do before they really crawl. I was dragging myself toward the finish line. I had not had to motivate myself to even just get out of bed so severely since high school. It was depressing. And speaking of kids, I feel like I never got to relax and appreciate my time with mine because my inner dialogue was all about which muscles were there, insertion points, synergists and the like. By the second to last week of the term I felt literally ill every time I even thought of school. I changed my grade options in my other classes so I could skate by with the very minimum and I quit going to them. I quit reading my textbook for anatomy. (Boy that made the days preceding my final just AWESOME!)

Then Dave sent me that glorious text message that made me hear the heavenly choir itself singing me down some salvation. The job proposal went through and he had an offer for me. Dammit, that would come through the week after I had set my mind to forgetting about it and committing to stay in school.

When I was offered this job I didn't hesitate to accept. Wait-no, that's not true. Inside of me, I had already accepted it, I made myself wait to tell them that. I wanted to sit on it for a few days and at least be aware of the possibility that I wanted it just for the financial security and way out of school it would bring. But then as my first week approached I not only felt sad that I would not be coming back to school (this was a huge shock) but I began to feel the weight of my hefty job description and the fact that this ain't no entry level restaurant position began to weigh in on me. I sat through nine hours on my first day of taking notes as my new (and nerdy hip) boss talked and then set me loose. As I sat in what will be my office until I find a permanent one I became so bogged down with a list of stuff I HAD to get done that I was literally stuttering inside my mind about what to do first.

Well-my first week is over and I still think I made the right decision. So there. At least I still have confidence in myself, right?

And by the way, A in anatomy bitches...