Growing up FTW!

I recently ran into someone I went to high school with and it was nice in a nostalgic "oh yeah, your one of the ones I liked" kind of way. As we were catching up, he lamented "Man, we are getting old!"

Ok, first off, no, we aren't. We are OLDER, but if you feel old at 28, I have this nice little health coaching business to help you out...

And second, I have discovered that I LOVE "getting old". Here is why:

-There is a self-confidence that has crept in with age and life experience that is really comforting. Or maybe it is just that over time, I care less and less what other people think? Either way, it's grand.

-Insurance discounts that kicked in once I turned 25. What is it about 25 that dictates I am suddenly mature and responsible enough to not have to pay as much for car insurance?

-I have found that it's ok to embrace the parts of me I was told (whether overtly or not) were negative, or bad, or just not acceptable. Such as: I enjoy sex and being a sexual person; I love to be a reclusive, gluttonous sloth when I need to unwind; I no longer feel the need to commit myself to something just because it is something I *could* do; sometimes I enjoy really crappy literature; I don't like some people and feel no need to go out of my way to be nice to the really offensive ones; and there is nothing quite as satisfying as sitting on the couch in my underwear while watching an old movie and eating ice cream straight out of the carton (I can see my mother cringing right now).

-I don't care if I can't dance up to par with other people's standards anymore, it feels good.

-While it is somewhat of an ego-boost to get hit on in the bar, instead of internalizing it as a sign of my worth, I merely take it as a compliment. It neither makes or breaks my night in it's absence or presence.

-I no longer automatically register the things my mom tells me are good for me as solid gold fact, but take the time to do my own research and decide whether it really is good and right for me. (No, I don't feel like crap after eating too many nightshades.) (AAAND, eating too much of anything can make almost anyone feel like crap.)

-I like that the older my actual age is, the more people assume I am not, in fact, a mindless girl. And I like that I receive less condescending BS from people.

-As I age, I find my voice more and more. I like being a mouthy, opinionated woman who is ok making my needs known.

-I take care of myself in ways that work for me and feel right to me, because I *want* to be a healthy person, not because someone else is telling me that it's good for me.




All this being said, I still like being taken care of when I get sick, I still laugh at fart jokes, and I still have my teddy bear. And I am more than ok with all of the above.

in/peccare

I have been receiving a lot of messages in life recently. Most of them are telling me to ignore people in one way or another. The attitude people project and the way they treat people is a projection of what is inside of them, and the way they feel about themselves. I think this is so valuable to remember. How many times has the way I am feeling about myself colored my feelings and actions towards other people? More than I care to admit. I am the kind of person who tends to take things really personally. There are certain people in my life with whom it is a constant struggle to not walk away from interactions with them angry or hurt. It helps me to remember just how miserable they are inside. (Not that I assume all assholes are miserable inside, but the ones I know well really are miserable inside.) It is not my responsibility to account for their misery, nor is it to make them feel better, or take some of the toxic load off of their shoulders. I am responsible for myself.

I was recently given a copy of "The Four Agreements" based on Toltec wisdom. The first agreement is to be impeccable with my words. Sounds simple enough right? The word comes from the latin word impeccabilis. In- (without) and -peccare (to sin). Sin is not only a biblicial thing, but an intent, a presence of malice. So to be impeccable with my words is to be without judgement, or falsity. (Is falsity a word? It is now...) To have an intent of positivity or gentleness. Not only with others, but with myself. This affects the way I interact with myself and with others. The way I approach, engage, and respond.

I have been working on this the last week or two. This and not internalizing the negativity of others. The pleasant side effect of this is that it has helped me cultivate positive attitudes and presence in life. I have this vision that can only be described as vitality. An attitude and feeling in life that I strive for. A way of life. A way of serving others. A way of being. It is closer. I can feel it.

Remember that guy?

Let me start by saying that I don't EVER want to be a teenager again. Ever. No one could pay me enough to go through that swamp of hormones, angst, broken hearts, and dramatic days. Ever.

But.

I really miss some of the friendships. Recently Vanessa brought down a photo album from youth conferences and we pulled out mine as well and spent a good hour or two looking through them, putting names to faces and talking about where all these people went.

"Remember the night I couldn't sleep because of nightmares so you guys stayed up with me all night long?"

"Remember when we got kicked out of the no-talent show because we were laughing too hard and went and rearranged the messages written on the dorm windows with masking tape?"

"Oh my god! I remember that kid! He was so funny!"

"Oh damn. Flattering. That was taken after dancing for four hours straight."

"Hey, I remember this! This was that night we rented the hotel room after the planning meeting and..."

"Hahaha, I can't believe we actually got him to put that on!"

Along with all these come flooding in the secrets, the bonding, the feeling of total acceptance. That feeling of knowing that even though it was going to be at least 6 months until you saw them next, when you did they were still some of your best friends.

And then we all got old. We moved away, went to school, got married, had kids, started our own businesses, passed away, drifted into a life completely our own and totally separate and away from the places we used as a breeding ground of intimate friendships.

I miss them. Well, most of them.

Also, I still have all the pictures suckers! Expect some exploitation coming to a facebook near you.

It's raining outside. The smell of it mixed with the whimsical mood I am suddenly in makes me want to dance in it. Or at the very least, go for a run. I settle for tea on the back porch instead. As the neighbor kids run for cover and bitterly complain about this weather taking away one of their last days of summer, I chuckle. It's one of the many difference between kid-Amber, and adult-Amber I guess, the practicality of rain at this dry time of year makes sense.

The smell makes me nostalgic for the August days in the town I was born, it reminds me of my grandmothers porch, the way my cousins and I loitered out there constantly one summer, placing bets on which family members would cross the line between loud and obscene at the next family dinner, or sneaking off to puddle jump when Grandma wasn't looking.

It's amazing really, to look back and notice how gradually, yet also so suddenly, life went from puddle-jumping to job proposals, from playing house to keeping one of my own. When I was a kid, it felt summer used to stretch on endlessly. Days would creep by so slowly it felt like you lived an entire lifetime in a week. Now, I am worrying about making it to my daughters swim lessons on time, buying her school supplies for kindergarten, and compiling what resembles a menu for the week so my grocery shopping has some method to it, while maintaining laundry, playdates, and doing homework, all in one day, leaving me feeling exhausted at the end of the day.

Even this summer, despite my best efforts to leave it as structureless as possible has been too full of plans and obligations. Will Em be able to look back and have memories of building the adventure around herself like my cousins and I did as we pretended the lilac bushes were our pirate hideout? Will she remember the freedom of exploring the world around her like I recall?

"Mom, let's jsut go outside and build some fairy homes, that's all I wanna do."

With any luck, and a spirit like hers, I am betting she will.

con...edit#2

Defining my experiences as a youth in the UU youth conference community, and the impact they have had on my life, is something that still, ten years later, I can't completely do. I lived for con. I would count days till the next one, and upon my return my mother would be endlessly irritated by my post-con depression, and my friends sick of hearing about the awesomeness known as UU youth. It scares me to think of what my life would have been had I not found such a safe haven. A place where I did not feel judged, and was openly accepted for who I was. A place where it was ok to explore my beliefs, my style, my place in the world. A place where affection was normal and natural and a hug was just a hug, it didn't come packed with expectations or assumptions (or even just that affection IS healthy and normal and that the expression of such is acceptable as long as personal boundaries are heard and respected). I was given the chance to make a difference in the world at large through social justice projects, I was taught more about what it means to be a UU, I was given opportunity to explore what spirituality meant for me, and I was given the freedom to discover myself and find my voice. All within a community that was supportive and safe. I often tell parents that send their youth to cons with me that attending them myself saved my life as a teen. And I mean it. I went to my first con a painfully shy, self-conscious, and lost 13 year old (yes, rules were different then) and bridged out as a confidant, spiritual young adult who had developed an awareness of my faith, myself, the kind of world I wanted to work towards, and the kind of people I wanted to surround my life with. Without them, I would have missed out on the opportunity to learn about myself in a way that can only happen in a faith-based community surrounded by peers. I wouldn't have found support from a huge network of adults that were there to nurture and support my development as a person, a leader and as a UU. (Parents are great for this too, but sometimes there are just times where as a youth you need the ear or guidance of an adult outside that parental relationship...).


I look at the youth in the conference community today and I see my teen years reflected back at me. The difference is, it's much healthier now than it was then. When I was a youth there was no requirement that youth had to be a part of a congregation, which meant that there was a whole aspect to con that lacked any spiritual affiliation. Youth would show up not knowing what a UU was and over time this led to even the worshipful parts of con slowly diminishing. There was not a whole lot of institutional memory either. These days we have a conferences coordinator (we love you Anne-Marie!) who serves that role. As the adult advisor to the planning committee of this last con I can say this is immensely helpful to have her there to tell us what ideas or events worked in the past, which sites were better than others and why, and as general support. She is there as someone who can fill whatever role is needed, or can at least find someone who can step in. She is a driving force behind making con happen, and providing endless support to our youth as they continue to make this community healthy and vital. Most importantly though, our youth are more engaged and active than ever before. I see passion and intelligence that blows me away. I was breathless at points during our theme event in which youth discussed very real and powerful issues that they face in everyday life and how being UU contributes to and helps them cope. I encourage everyone to read the manuscript of these discussions that will be coming out shortly.

Becoming a sponsor was something that I always knew I would do, it was just a natural step for me, to help provide the same community that was so vital for me, to our youth today. Sponsoring at these cons is among the most gratifying experiences that I have had the pleasure of participating in. At this last conference my best friend Vanessa, whom was one of my first and greatest con friends, attended as the nurse and it is the first one we have been at together in ten years. Being in that community with her helped me to realize a little more just how special this all is. Watching our youth forge bonds that are the same kinds of bonds I created with people, that today are still some of the most important people to me, made me nostalgic. It also made me realize how much most people lack a community like this that feels so much like home. There are so few places in the world today the provide youth with a safe haven of comfort that also encourages them to examine the kind of people they are, the world as it is, and to take that and change it for the better. There is a lack of accepting communities that don't shove corporate media or societal expectations of what is 'normal' in their faces. There are very few places they will find where the community encourages healthy expressions of self, instead of self-destructive avenues of exploration and expression.

I know how intimidating it can be as an adult to sit in a community full of teens who are empowered and encouraged to lead themselves. With all the preconceptions and stereotypes that fly around out there today (that adults have about youth and that youth have about adults) it makes it very easy to create a gap between generations that spurs weariness of each other. And I have talked with parents that are concerned about what their children may be experiencing at these conferences. As a parent myself, I can understand most of those concerns as well. But as a former youth from this community who is continually grasping what a benefit to my life they were, and as a current sponsor, I also must say this: There is no other place I would rather my daughter come of age when she reaches that stage in her life.

craving family

I value my friendships. All of them. But it is truly wonderful to spend the weekend with those that completely understand ALL of my life. As a young parent, I am the first among most of my social circles to have children. Generally, at least now (five years after becoming a mom) it's not a big deal. Most of my friends understand or have accepted that my daughter comes first. But there is a certain comfort that comes in being able to have a conversation over the span of four hours due to breaking to pay REAL attention to our children. Being around people who you are comfortable enough with to parent together. Someone to tell my daughter to remember that other kids need turns too, someone who doesn't mind when I step in to remind them to use gentle hands. Another family that feels like home. I think that all children need circles like this that exist outside of the immediate family. A support network to fall back on when guiding hands or hugs are needed away from parents. I think it is equally important for parents to have fellow parents and adults like this in their life to support the path they have chosen, reaffirm that they are awesome parents with awesome kids and everything they do for their children is worth it, and also, ever changing, growing, passing. To provide perspective.

I crave this. As I said above, my friends are wonderful, all of them, and I love them dearly. But to sit in a living room with old friends and watch our children grow up together would be divine. Something closer than a two hour drive.

There could be more coherent words to put here, but they aren't coming yet...