I love this time of year. I love the smell and sound of rain, I love the cool temperatures, I love the seasonal food coming available. I love the natural inclination to reflect. I love that this all coincides with my birthday, a logical time to reflect, with a season that is symbolic of certain things coming to an end and other new beginnings.

Today I am all by myself at home. In my yoga pants and sweatshirt, drinking tea and slowly doing some house work. The last week has been a stressful one, but has brought about some much needed change and questions. I ended a professional relationship with a client, which at first brought tremendous feelings of failure and guilt, but when settled in with, brought a huge sense of relief. I love being a health coach, but I need to refocus myself a but, and refine exactly who and how I want to help. It was my first full week at the part time job I took working with children. It was wonderful and tiring. I am not used to having to be up and presentable and at work by 7am. That is a dreadfully early time for me and my mind/body, which is part of the appeal of being self employed. But I love the people I work with and for, I love that I get paid to remember how to play and I love that it will provide some financial stability while I wade through this professional swamp I put myself in the middle of. Most of all, I love that I am off work in time to pick up Em from school and spend my afternoons with her. But, after a full week of it, I am exhausted.

All of the stress and change and changing of my mind left me in a bit of a funk the last few weeks. Well, more than just a bit of a funk, in a huge funk. But Friday came and found me ready to float out of it. My work day brought me laughter, my afternoon brought me some time to myself to organize my surroundings physically in order to make space mentally, and my evening brought me the company of a wonderful person who reminded me how to feel joyful about who I am. And to feel pretty. (I am comfortable enough now to be ok admitting that I like to feel pretty.)

My birthday is in a few weeks, and while turning 29 does not usually lead to a lot of re-evaluation and contemplation as 30 does in most people, I find myself spending a lot of time the last few days looking back at what I had expected to do with my 20's, and where I anticipated being as I stepped into my 30's. On the whole, I am not too upset with where I am, I am happy with my life. I think most of all, I am craving certain kinds of stability. None of this is new, but it is on my mind. Financial stability is something I continue to work towards, and probably always will because it doesn't seem a wise thing to just shirk that off. But also, stability that comes along with a solid community of people. Yes, I have my church community, my friends, but when I look at all the people dearest to my heart, they are scattered across the globe like seeds to the wind. I have started to focus a lot more on my immediate community, and working on finding people here, now, that feel like good people to align with, to care for, to laugh with, and to love.

As my daughter continues to grow, being a mom is an incredible gift. I enjoy her so much more than I think I ever thoughts parents could. Is that weird? That I thought that? Seeing her make her bold statements to the world around her inspires me to be more courageous and confident.

Yes, there are things I would like to change, to overcome, to repair. But as I look back on the last year of my life, I can say with confidence that this is the first time in my life that my problems and my stress don't encompass all of me. They don't define me, they don't rule my moods and decisions as much as they used to, and they don't sap my happiness. I am happy. And I love that.

I know I say this a lot, but it is so very true. I have a blessed life.

autumn is something I love

I love autumn. This season is my favorite. It is still warm enough to be at the tail end of a growing season so there is fresh produce. The leaves are turning making the street look like they are lined with fire, you can almost hear the sigh of the earth drinking in the rain we have all been waiting all summer for, and it is warm, but not too warm. Mornings and evenings call for tea or hot chocolate drunk to the sound of rain falling, daytime consists of puddle jumping and exploring the new wet world (when school isn't swallowing our faces whole). Something about the darkness that is growing ever closer brings out the homemaker in me even more so than she is usually present. I begin baking my bread with a renewed vigor, I have elaborate comfort food meal plans (half of which may even make it to my table), and this year, I will add cheesemaking to that winter to-do list.

I have always loved this time of year, but having my daughter with me makes it all the more enjoyable. "Momma, look at the leaves, they are beautiful! I see red, and orange, and green, and purple, and they sound like rain when they all fall like that!" Yesterday we spent the day out at our favorite arboretum where we dutifully monitored the lily pond from frog eggs, to tadpoles, to full blown frogs. While our usual hike was out of the question due to trail restoration, we went for a walk along the river. My kid notices an impressive amount of detail about nature. That the tiny fish that were there in July are gone, the water level has risen, the crickets sound different. It is like rediscovering the world all over again. I love it. Emily's favorite game when we are outside is to play "I Spy". This started out as a time-passer on the bus to and from school, but it has evolved into a game to see who can notice the most unique and minute details about the world around us. The texture of bark or leaves, the scent of pine needles. The proud mom in me bursts when I watch the inventiveness and intelligence she throws into this game, often times stumping me and leading me to discover things that I would have never noticed.

And, on a different note, my mom is moving out in three days.