Emily has started a list of things to grow in the garden this year. Her favorite, as always, being peas. And while she doesn't really like them, she REALLY wants to grow tomatoes. I am a fan of swiss chard because it is easy to grow and not too tempramental. Aside from those three, Emily has decided on a 'salsa garden' in which we grow all ingredients necessary for salsa.
This year I am adding a worm bin or composter on the back porch. I found details online how to make your own worm bin and I am tempted to see where this gets me. However I feel like the composters made my someone other than myself might reduce the scent of it all? The other addition is going to be flowers on the front porch. I am getting tired of the gray cement that greets you when you approach my front door.
Every year this place feels more and more like home.
It is also almost time to order butterflies. I know that this may be inhumane. But Emily loves having them. You know the kind you order as caterpillars and watch them make coccoons and turn into butterflies? She has this little butterfly hutch for them, but I don't like to keep them until they die, so we wait until it is warm enough to release them.
It is getting to be my favorite time of year. Things grow, I can hang out with the windows and doors open and let the breeze freshen my home, and being outdoors doesn't require so many layers. It's coming, I can smell it.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
...because I'm a joyful girl
There is a fine line between being a relaxed, take it as it comes kind of parent and one that is neurotic and overbearing. At least there is for me. There are lots of things that set me over this line, all of which in time I am sure you will hear about at one point or another.
Today, as I sit here reading the news at my computer, my daughter asks me to turn on some music. Now, my kid has rhythm. More than I have ever had. And despite the fact that she has never in her life taken a dance class, the girl can dance. Like a 16 year old girl that is over-sexed, too mature, and can be viewed on the Disney channel at any given time of day.
First off, when did the Disney channel turn into a place in which to pour my little girl into the mold that society has decided she needs to fit into? And second, isn't it ironic that her father is the one feeding this into her brain? (Our two houses are so completely different that I have to remind myself constantly why we were ever attracted to each other.) I have come to the conclusion that he really just doesn't get it. I could talk to him about my concerns in this area until my face turns blue and he would still never get it. (That doesn't mean I am going to quit trying though.) I think the funny part is that this man is so over-protective of her physical self that he once told me when she was a toddler that if she hit her head one more time that he was going to take her to the emergency room. (I know, it doens't make sense on so many levels.)
To a degree, I can see how people would think that watching a four year old emulate grown ups is cute. I think it is incredibly cute to watch her do dishes with me, parent her dolls, or play teacher. It is not however, cute to watch her put on make up and say "there, now I am beautiful", to shake her hips suggestively and see that she has the facial expressions to go with it, and talk about how she has big thighs. This is heart-breaking to me. When I asked where ever she got an idea like that she said her dad's and his mother's house. Being me, I called his mom to talk to her about it. I started with the make up. "Isn't that just so adorable when she does that?" My response was "well, yes, to an extent until she says that she doesn't think she is beautiful until she puts on make up, which is not something that I am willing to let my child grow up believing to be true." Then the whole fat thigh comment. Ug. It makes me sick to even think that my beautiful little girl may be unhappy with herself at such a young age. She should not even know what body image is. Her grandmother laughed at first. I exploded. "This isn't funny or cute! It isn't cute to watch your beautiful little girl squeeze her thighs and say she is too fat! No matter what her size is. Do you really want to enforce that she grow up insecure and believing she isn't good enough the way she is? This is how you breed eating disorders! I can understand being concerned if she was leaning towards overweight, but even then, it would not be ok to tell her she is too fat. That isn't supportive, and it certainly isn't going to help. I am not ok with the fact that she is picking these things up from you. It doesn't matter if it is from TV or if she is hearing you say it about yourself, you are a role model and you need to act like one!"
*sigh*
Now, I don't think Em completely understands what it means to do such things, but habit becomes belief and I am not willing to chance it. She does enjoy putting on make up. Especially purple eyeshadow, all over her face. She is a theatrical person. This does not mean that it is something that should be encouraged or enforced as regular habit. I often get comments about how bold I am to let her pick out her own clothes. Partly that is out of necessity. The fight that ensues when what I pick is not what she wants is one of those battles that isn't worth fighting to me. Plus, she has a creative sense of style that incorporates her own personal comfort, and I don't want to squash that. And I would like to hope that by encouraging her to listen to herself before she can truly hear and understand the expectations of popular society, that maybe I am giving her helpful tools to resist. To be her own person. To embrace the extra weight if her thighs do get bigger, or the belly pouch if it develops, the hips, breasts, or softness that comes with being a woman. To help her know and love herself for who she naturally is, not who everything else wants her to be.
Today, as I sit here reading the news at my computer, my daughter asks me to turn on some music. Now, my kid has rhythm. More than I have ever had. And despite the fact that she has never in her life taken a dance class, the girl can dance. Like a 16 year old girl that is over-sexed, too mature, and can be viewed on the Disney channel at any given time of day.
First off, when did the Disney channel turn into a place in which to pour my little girl into the mold that society has decided she needs to fit into? And second, isn't it ironic that her father is the one feeding this into her brain? (Our two houses are so completely different that I have to remind myself constantly why we were ever attracted to each other.) I have come to the conclusion that he really just doesn't get it. I could talk to him about my concerns in this area until my face turns blue and he would still never get it. (That doesn't mean I am going to quit trying though.) I think the funny part is that this man is so over-protective of her physical self that he once told me when she was a toddler that if she hit her head one more time that he was going to take her to the emergency room. (I know, it doens't make sense on so many levels.)
To a degree, I can see how people would think that watching a four year old emulate grown ups is cute. I think it is incredibly cute to watch her do dishes with me, parent her dolls, or play teacher. It is not however, cute to watch her put on make up and say "there, now I am beautiful", to shake her hips suggestively and see that she has the facial expressions to go with it, and talk about how she has big thighs. This is heart-breaking to me. When I asked where ever she got an idea like that she said her dad's and his mother's house. Being me, I called his mom to talk to her about it. I started with the make up. "Isn't that just so adorable when she does that?" My response was "well, yes, to an extent until she says that she doesn't think she is beautiful until she puts on make up, which is not something that I am willing to let my child grow up believing to be true." Then the whole fat thigh comment. Ug. It makes me sick to even think that my beautiful little girl may be unhappy with herself at such a young age. She should not even know what body image is. Her grandmother laughed at first. I exploded. "This isn't funny or cute! It isn't cute to watch your beautiful little girl squeeze her thighs and say she is too fat! No matter what her size is. Do you really want to enforce that she grow up insecure and believing she isn't good enough the way she is? This is how you breed eating disorders! I can understand being concerned if she was leaning towards overweight, but even then, it would not be ok to tell her she is too fat. That isn't supportive, and it certainly isn't going to help. I am not ok with the fact that she is picking these things up from you. It doesn't matter if it is from TV or if she is hearing you say it about yourself, you are a role model and you need to act like one!"
*sigh*
Now, I don't think Em completely understands what it means to do such things, but habit becomes belief and I am not willing to chance it. She does enjoy putting on make up. Especially purple eyeshadow, all over her face. She is a theatrical person. This does not mean that it is something that should be encouraged or enforced as regular habit. I often get comments about how bold I am to let her pick out her own clothes. Partly that is out of necessity. The fight that ensues when what I pick is not what she wants is one of those battles that isn't worth fighting to me. Plus, she has a creative sense of style that incorporates her own personal comfort, and I don't want to squash that. And I would like to hope that by encouraging her to listen to herself before she can truly hear and understand the expectations of popular society, that maybe I am giving her helpful tools to resist. To be her own person. To embrace the extra weight if her thighs do get bigger, or the belly pouch if it develops, the hips, breasts, or softness that comes with being a woman. To help her know and love herself for who she naturally is, not who everything else wants her to be.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Everyday Ritual
As I sat through a workshop on bringing ritual into family life I realized how utterly lacking my life is of ritual. Not only that, but how my daughter doesn't get to experience much of it either, and that made me incredibly sad. Some of the most magical moments in my life have centered around the ritual I experienced as a UU, and as someone who celebrates the full moon. When did all of this slip away? And how startling is it that I didn't notice for a very long time?
For so long I had tried to escape the patriarchical church traditions such as the lords prayer that I used to have to recite. It wasn't until very recently that I realized I silently pray more than I am aware of, and that I deeply value it as a practice. I think I needed time to accept this and separate the necessity of prayer in life with the early memories I hold of church, which is wedded to beliefs I can't ascribe to. Once I was able to do that I was astonished at how easily prayer fits into UU rituals I value and wish to practice. Such as lighting a candle. Well duh! Took me long enough.
I vowed to incorporate more spiritual routine at home with Emily. And I love how excited she is about it so far. Today we glued terra cotta trays to upside town terra cotta pots and painted them. We have two, one for the dining room table, and one for the bedside table. I figure intentionally starting dinner with some words easy for her to remember and lighting a candle will not only meet the need of a more spiritually infused family life, but also more intentionally bring us together to eat, instead of different people sitting around a table not really being present with each other. And Emily makes a point every day to tell me about what she had fun doing, and I love the idea of expressing gratitude for what life brings our way no matter how many other stresses exist, so that will now be a bedtime routine.
Something else I wanted to say about this incredible workshop. Ok, well two. One of the wonderful ladies leading this read something she wrote (oh whaddya know, she writes a blog, Chalice Spark, you should read it, she is wonderful) about the traditions she and her family started around the holidays. It was touching and refreshing to hear of a valued family tradition that didn't center around materialism. It brought tears to my eyes to hear how much these simple acts have brought their family together. The other wonderful lady that led this workshop has the most amazing co-parent set up that I just have to mention because I am so damn envious. She and her ex-husband are both remarried and share two teenage sons. They have a convenant of shared values, and also recognize that at each household there is a whole other set of values that they wish to uphold. Not only that but all four parents SIT DOWN AND TALK every quarter to check in on life and how the arrangements are going. They have agreed upon shared expenses for the boys that have an online budget where they keep track of who has spent what, and if one parenting team owes the other they PAY PAL it to them. Not only that they have an online calendar where they keep track of where the boys are and when, who is picking them up and what they are doing.
Oh. My. Goodness. How easy would that make everything? I don"t even know that my ex can use a computer. But if I could have such an arrangement, I might get bored with how much more smoothly things would run. Wait, just kidding, I WOULD DANCE WITH GIDDYNESS! Someday. Maybe.
For now though I will settle for sharing special little moments daily with my beautiful little girl.
For so long I had tried to escape the patriarchical church traditions such as the lords prayer that I used to have to recite. It wasn't until very recently that I realized I silently pray more than I am aware of, and that I deeply value it as a practice. I think I needed time to accept this and separate the necessity of prayer in life with the early memories I hold of church, which is wedded to beliefs I can't ascribe to. Once I was able to do that I was astonished at how easily prayer fits into UU rituals I value and wish to practice. Such as lighting a candle. Well duh! Took me long enough.
I vowed to incorporate more spiritual routine at home with Emily. And I love how excited she is about it so far. Today we glued terra cotta trays to upside town terra cotta pots and painted them. We have two, one for the dining room table, and one for the bedside table. I figure intentionally starting dinner with some words easy for her to remember and lighting a candle will not only meet the need of a more spiritually infused family life, but also more intentionally bring us together to eat, instead of different people sitting around a table not really being present with each other. And Emily makes a point every day to tell me about what she had fun doing, and I love the idea of expressing gratitude for what life brings our way no matter how many other stresses exist, so that will now be a bedtime routine.
Something else I wanted to say about this incredible workshop. Ok, well two. One of the wonderful ladies leading this read something she wrote (oh whaddya know, she writes a blog, Chalice Spark, you should read it, she is wonderful) about the traditions she and her family started around the holidays. It was touching and refreshing to hear of a valued family tradition that didn't center around materialism. It brought tears to my eyes to hear how much these simple acts have brought their family together. The other wonderful lady that led this workshop has the most amazing co-parent set up that I just have to mention because I am so damn envious. She and her ex-husband are both remarried and share two teenage sons. They have a convenant of shared values, and also recognize that at each household there is a whole other set of values that they wish to uphold. Not only that but all four parents SIT DOWN AND TALK every quarter to check in on life and how the arrangements are going. They have agreed upon shared expenses for the boys that have an online budget where they keep track of who has spent what, and if one parenting team owes the other they PAY PAL it to them. Not only that they have an online calendar where they keep track of where the boys are and when, who is picking them up and what they are doing.
Oh. My. Goodness. How easy would that make everything? I don"t even know that my ex can use a computer. But if I could have such an arrangement, I might get bored with how much more smoothly things would run. Wait, just kidding, I WOULD DANCE WITH GIDDYNESS! Someday. Maybe.
For now though I will settle for sharing special little moments daily with my beautiful little girl.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Woes of a UU young adult...
Let me preface this by saying a few things before I begin to let my mind wander in an effort to debrief parts of annual general meeting.
1) Despite occasional crises of faith, I am a Unitarian Universalist through and through.
2) Despite my age, I constantly wonder whether I identify with many peers in my faith community.
3) Most of my experience with young adults within the UU movement at some point always brings up the issue of why there aren't more young adults involved in their congregations. My opinions and feelings on this matter are something I am constantly evaluating.
4) Because I am really bad at unpacking my acronyms when I get all fired up about something, I should say for those of you who may not know them, UU= Unitarian Universalist, YA=young adults. A group loosely defined as ages 18-35. I have my own severe opinions on the appropriateness of that broad age range, but that is an entry for another time.
Looking around at the annual general meeting I was sad to notice that I could count on fingers how many people I ran into that were younger adults. Ok, so maybe there were more, but still not many. I know there are more out there. So where are they? Why aren't they present? In my district the issue of young adults and a district wide young adult community has at times been a very volatile one. When the shift of not only our district but of the UUA intentionally focused more on congregations, this meant re-examining the district communities of youth and young adults. A youth community is still present because they are all parts of youth groups within their respective churches. What was found within the young adult community was a majority of attendees to YA conferences that were in no way connected to churches, and a scary portion of adults, no longer YA's hanging on to their glory days and bordering on sexual predator. Not only that, the patterns that district YA leadership seemed to be repeating over and over was a vicious cycle of building up a community in shambles only to have it fall apart all over again. It was not healthy. Furthermore, district policy reflected the fact that the district exists to serve congregations. How to justify spending a large portion of resources on a large group of people that weren't tied to congregations?
This is the part where I wonder what is happening on a congregational level that is pushing away YA's. Because if you ask any UU young adult that doesn't attend church, they will say that there isn't much that makes them feel like a church is their spiritual home. And can you blame them? YA's that have grown up UU are transitioning out of a very vital and active youth community that is based on relational connections and acting upon shared values. Walking into a church where you sit and listen, do not interact, and don't find many peers to connect to is less than appealing. But here is the catch. Have the YA's doing most of the complaining ever approached said unwelcoming church to ask them if they could maybe think about providing for the needs of various spiritual age groups? They minister to youth, they have adult RE, maybe it is just that the church leadership haven't recognized the need for something there in between. Every YA I have talked to about this that has actually asked, has had an open response. More often than not congregations are more than willing to try and accomodate the needs that young adults are seeking to have met.
With all this said though...there is more. Once I let go the pain I felt at a lack of YA community, at home and district wide, it made space to examine what I am really wanting in a spiritual home. I think this is a natural and healthy step in spiritual development. What I am continually finding is several avenues that my spiritual needs are being met within church, I just have to stop and look around. I am not implying that YA's are not looking hard enough, they are. Some even more than they should have to. But I do think that in general, there is an expectation on the YA end that their needs will be met without the understanding that, as in all relationships, it is a healthy reciprocal nature that must exist for all to thrive. And on the congregational side, there is a lack of understanding that while adults, younger adults often DO have different spiritual needs that are just as important as adults in their 40's or older.
I would love to see a program that supports congregations in exploring how to make theirs a welcoming home for not only YA's, but for all ages. And I don't mean that this should be accomplished by showing them how to set up a YA or campus ministry group, I want to see an integrated form of worship that recognizes and respects all people that feel a pull towards the UU faith, a worship that they can come to and see their values reflected in a way they recognize, and understand, while learning to celebrate the differences in every one of us that come here. I want to see a deliberate fostering of leaders not only in the people we traditionally seek and call to serve, but among youth, young adults, across cultures and races, lifestyles and economic classes. People often wonder why, when they look around their sanctuaries, they observe a sea of middle aged, middle to upper class white people. It's not coincidence.
Ok, stepping off of that soap box now. There is another waiting for me to climb up on tomorrow.
1) Despite occasional crises of faith, I am a Unitarian Universalist through and through.
2) Despite my age, I constantly wonder whether I identify with many peers in my faith community.
3) Most of my experience with young adults within the UU movement at some point always brings up the issue of why there aren't more young adults involved in their congregations. My opinions and feelings on this matter are something I am constantly evaluating.
4) Because I am really bad at unpacking my acronyms when I get all fired up about something, I should say for those of you who may not know them, UU= Unitarian Universalist, YA=young adults. A group loosely defined as ages 18-35. I have my own severe opinions on the appropriateness of that broad age range, but that is an entry for another time.
Looking around at the annual general meeting I was sad to notice that I could count on fingers how many people I ran into that were younger adults. Ok, so maybe there were more, but still not many. I know there are more out there. So where are they? Why aren't they present? In my district the issue of young adults and a district wide young adult community has at times been a very volatile one. When the shift of not only our district but of the UUA intentionally focused more on congregations, this meant re-examining the district communities of youth and young adults. A youth community is still present because they are all parts of youth groups within their respective churches. What was found within the young adult community was a majority of attendees to YA conferences that were in no way connected to churches, and a scary portion of adults, no longer YA's hanging on to their glory days and bordering on sexual predator. Not only that, the patterns that district YA leadership seemed to be repeating over and over was a vicious cycle of building up a community in shambles only to have it fall apart all over again. It was not healthy. Furthermore, district policy reflected the fact that the district exists to serve congregations. How to justify spending a large portion of resources on a large group of people that weren't tied to congregations?
This is the part where I wonder what is happening on a congregational level that is pushing away YA's. Because if you ask any UU young adult that doesn't attend church, they will say that there isn't much that makes them feel like a church is their spiritual home. And can you blame them? YA's that have grown up UU are transitioning out of a very vital and active youth community that is based on relational connections and acting upon shared values. Walking into a church where you sit and listen, do not interact, and don't find many peers to connect to is less than appealing. But here is the catch. Have the YA's doing most of the complaining ever approached said unwelcoming church to ask them if they could maybe think about providing for the needs of various spiritual age groups? They minister to youth, they have adult RE, maybe it is just that the church leadership haven't recognized the need for something there in between. Every YA I have talked to about this that has actually asked, has had an open response. More often than not congregations are more than willing to try and accomodate the needs that young adults are seeking to have met.
With all this said though...there is more. Once I let go the pain I felt at a lack of YA community, at home and district wide, it made space to examine what I am really wanting in a spiritual home. I think this is a natural and healthy step in spiritual development. What I am continually finding is several avenues that my spiritual needs are being met within church, I just have to stop and look around. I am not implying that YA's are not looking hard enough, they are. Some even more than they should have to. But I do think that in general, there is an expectation on the YA end that their needs will be met without the understanding that, as in all relationships, it is a healthy reciprocal nature that must exist for all to thrive. And on the congregational side, there is a lack of understanding that while adults, younger adults often DO have different spiritual needs that are just as important as adults in their 40's or older.
I would love to see a program that supports congregations in exploring how to make theirs a welcoming home for not only YA's, but for all ages. And I don't mean that this should be accomplished by showing them how to set up a YA or campus ministry group, I want to see an integrated form of worship that recognizes and respects all people that feel a pull towards the UU faith, a worship that they can come to and see their values reflected in a way they recognize, and understand, while learning to celebrate the differences in every one of us that come here. I want to see a deliberate fostering of leaders not only in the people we traditionally seek and call to serve, but among youth, young adults, across cultures and races, lifestyles and economic classes. People often wonder why, when they look around their sanctuaries, they observe a sea of middle aged, middle to upper class white people. It's not coincidence.
Ok, stepping off of that soap box now. There is another waiting for me to climb up on tomorrow.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
like a light in the darkness...
I am constantly amazed at how inspiring I find it to be surrounded by people of the same faith as I identify with. While I am here at our annual meeting for my district as a district board member, I walk away refreshed and with a new sense of a spiritual home. There is just so much to process and I am absolutely exhausted.
However, the last few days have been filled with frustration to the max. The deepest frustration being the point in which I was sitting in a meeting and listening to someone say that the reason that young adults and youth should not and do not participate in visioning about the future of our religious movement is because they are not asking the kinds of questions we are looking for answers to.
What?
Let me take a step back and say the the questions being referred to in this statement are along the lines of "What do we want our spiritual home to be working towards? What kind of difference do we want to make? What does that look like?" And I totally disagree with this persons opinion. Not only do I disagree but I am trying really hard not to to get all indignant and pissed off. Young adults have been struggling for years with trying to integrate their desires and ideas surrounding those very issues into congregations and UU communities while encountering a total lack of something to identify with there.
My other frustration? The fact that my days have been at least 12 hours long, usually full of engagements in which it is totally inappropriate for me to check out and space off.
BUT! There have been really amazing parts as well. Every board meeting I go to feels more productive than the last. And I feel more and more like it is somewhere I want to be. And I love that. I have had some truly inspiring conversation that have re-inspired my connection to my faith and that makes me happy. It has been slightly crazy-making the last few months, what with all the doubt in whether it still feels like home in the UU community for me.
I attended some really great workshops. I learned more about the Faith Without Borders program, which brought up some really great points about where we focus our social justice work. I was led in Big Mind Meditation. And went to a wonderful workshop about bringing ritual home. I had a really great conversation with some friends/colleagues about the state of young adult ministry. I had touching conversations about parent that made me laugh and cry and want to squeeze and cuddle my child.
I have so much to say about all of this. The problem being right now that I am so beyond exhausted that I can't make all the words come out coherently. More later I suppose?
However, the last few days have been filled with frustration to the max. The deepest frustration being the point in which I was sitting in a meeting and listening to someone say that the reason that young adults and youth should not and do not participate in visioning about the future of our religious movement is because they are not asking the kinds of questions we are looking for answers to.
What?
Let me take a step back and say the the questions being referred to in this statement are along the lines of "What do we want our spiritual home to be working towards? What kind of difference do we want to make? What does that look like?" And I totally disagree with this persons opinion. Not only do I disagree but I am trying really hard not to to get all indignant and pissed off. Young adults have been struggling for years with trying to integrate their desires and ideas surrounding those very issues into congregations and UU communities while encountering a total lack of something to identify with there.
My other frustration? The fact that my days have been at least 12 hours long, usually full of engagements in which it is totally inappropriate for me to check out and space off.
BUT! There have been really amazing parts as well. Every board meeting I go to feels more productive than the last. And I feel more and more like it is somewhere I want to be. And I love that. I have had some truly inspiring conversation that have re-inspired my connection to my faith and that makes me happy. It has been slightly crazy-making the last few months, what with all the doubt in whether it still feels like home in the UU community for me.
I attended some really great workshops. I learned more about the Faith Without Borders program, which brought up some really great points about where we focus our social justice work. I was led in Big Mind Meditation. And went to a wonderful workshop about bringing ritual home. I had a really great conversation with some friends/colleagues about the state of young adult ministry. I had touching conversations about parent that made me laugh and cry and want to squeeze and cuddle my child.
I have so much to say about all of this. The problem being right now that I am so beyond exhausted that I can't make all the words come out coherently. More later I suppose?
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