Clearing out the pantry

As spring approaches, and as I delve into my happiness project, I have been experiencing the strong urge to declutter my life. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. What an overwhelming task. I have lived in my home for 5 years now. It's the longest I have ever lived in one place in my entire life. I love that fact. But what I have learned is that being stationary enables me to collect more "stuff". Piles of old mail have hidden themselves away on shelves, in nooks, and crannies. Notes from friends, lovers, and nemeses stored away because I wanted to keep them for one reason or another. The good ones were to remind me of the happiness, warmth and love. The negative ones were most likely being saved for a court date. Knick knacks, copious amounts of art work, and other kidlet stuff are abound. Way too many shoes. Clothes that have been on the hanger so long they literally have collected dust. More yarn that I will ever need. Camping gear. And all of this, just in my bedroom closet. It's ridiculous. I spent three hours in there today. Three garbage bags of recycling, two of clothes, one of paper needing to be shredded and then recycled, one giant one of craft supplies, and two of random knick knacks. It's organized. It's spacious. It's awesome. As I dropped off the donations and dumped the recycling, I felt so light and airy that I wanted to dance.

I realized something today. I started out with the intention of clearing my physical clutter because at first glance that would be the easiest to tackle. However, I noticed that most of my physical clutter is tied to me emotionally in some way. It makes perfect sense, but it was an AHA moment for me. Letting it all go was such a relief, yet also a very emotional experience for me. Reading through letters I was reminded how wonderful the people in my life are, and how some of those connections have disappeared. Going through clothes and jewelry I forgot I even owned I was reminded of occasions in which they were worn. Some good, some bad. The most difficult was the journal of dealings and goings on between my childs father and I right after I left. Reading the things he did or said put me right there all over again. Being able to look at all of these experiences, and then let them go, or put them away, was so freeing!

I have always been a sentimental person. I have a piece of yarn that was part of a worship service at a youth con where I met my two best friends at when I was 15. I have stupid overwhelming stacks of pictures from all different parts of my life. But today I noticed that while it's nice to be able to look back at theses things, it weighs me down more than I'd like. Maybe I have romaticized parts of my past, and that interferes with my present because nothing now is as good as what I created in my mind as 'then'. Also, knowing that there were piles of old bills, invoices, pay stubs was so depressing. Seeing them was like adding one more weight to my shoulders. That constant reminders of the money I owe, the money I don't have, the money I wasn't smart with. I don't need that hanging over my day. Throwing out the paper part of those lessons doesn't mean I will have learned less from my experiences in the past. I still have that in me.

Also, seeing so much evidence of my work and my progress makes me feel like a bad ass!

"i've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you, each one a line or two, i'm fine baby, how are you?"

How is it November already? When did this happen? I did not consent! Not that it's too terribly bad, but as the end of the year draws near I recede into my little homebody shell once more and begin to take stock of what's what in my life. This use to also bring on a little depression and frustration that my life wasn't where I wanted it to be or thought it should be, but I find this year that I enjoy providing this opportunity for myself. The self reflection is a chance for me to slow down my life, and intentionally take a moment for me. There is a lot I could say that isn't going the way I want it to in life, but it doesn't matter. I have done what I can and will continue to do so. Beyond that, I haven't let it stress me out more than it should. And damn that feels good. And my house is quiet. It is home again. My mother moved out and sometimes the silence and emptiness shocks me when Emily is away at her dads, but I am also reveling in the physical space I now have. Last night when I couldn't sleep, I was able to put on music and sing to myself in the dark and disturb no one who had to be up in the morning. Ahhhh. It is so divine, the waking up back into my home that I feel like is taking place right now.

This weekend I head to Seattle for the young adult OWL training and to visit boy. I am looking forward to the training. And the boy. But the training is easy to talk about whereas the boy just makes me feel like an idiot when I try to say anything about the situation. Partly because there is intentionally no definition or label, which feels perfect for my life right now but makes it a bitch and half to figure out how to explain. Or process. I am ok with that for right now though. Back to the training. I have been trying to get to an Our Whole Lives training for years now. My church tried to send me to the elementary and high school ones, but it never worked out, so I am really excited to be going to this one. Not only because I think it's a great program, but because it is coming with the bonus of pertaining to my life too.

Emily and I recovered from our bout with swine flu quite nicely. I caught shit in the grocery store for wearing the shirt that I made myself. I think it's rather awesome, some people are more easily offended than me though, and while I feel bad, it makes me want to wear the shirt even more. (It has a winking pig on the front and on the back it says "I survived H1N1 and all I got was this lousy shirt") And while I am sorry that it offends, I really feel like at this point in my life, if I can't laugh at what isn't right and count my blessings for the things that are, I would be sad. And that is just not something I am interested in making time for.

I am going home for thanksgiving. Like, to my fathers. This has enough loaded history to give me material for two or three months worth of NanoWrimo. So I won't get into it here. Suffice to say, I am anxious yet excited and relieved. The older I get the more I accept that there are parts of that town that I love, that I will always love, and that intrinsically a part of who I am. And that I miss it. Yikes.

run run as fast as you can...

I had an awesome run today. I am impressed by how much I ENJOY this. It's a pleasant side effect I guess. I was thrilled when I noticed today during my run that I wasn't as out of breath as usual and that I had made it farther than I usually do. What is even more exciting to me is that I still haven't even progressed out of the week one runs in the program due to interruptions in my schedule, and I already feel these things. I breath better and I have more energy. And my chicken legs feel stronger!

I have recently changed my route and its a lovely change. I no longer run along the busy road, but along a farm road with lovely trees and fewer cars meaning less exhaust which makes for happier asthmatic lungs.

On the schedule for the rest of the day? Finish making freezer jam, today it's strawberry blueberry. Do some laundry, and clean the kitchen. And read on my little porch in the sun. Emily just switched to a full week home and a full week at her dad's and while it kills me to be away from her for so long, I will admit it is quite nice to have the house to myself for so long.

P.S. I am eating toast with sunflower butter and homemade strawberry jam. My jam is bitchin.

A perfect morning

My daughter and I are currently sharing a love affair with these awesome pancakes and grooving to the Bob Marley station on pandora.com

It's pretty cute to watch her bounce and dance to Bob in her nightgown and wild curly hair. This morning we are celebrating the beginning of our summer. Yesterday was my last final of spring term and her last day at her pre-k and the start of the summer of unplanned exploration with semi-planned camping trips, beach trips and road trips that allow ample time of unstructured discovery time in wild and magical places. And ya know, spring cleaning. Today we are getting rid of books and clothes, and yes, I bribed my child with the incentive of being able to keep the money from her stuff that the resale stores give us for it, whats so wrong with that?

If your a pancake fan, you have to try these (pulled from this vegan website that is awesome)...

Pancakes (Version 3)

Breakfast - Pancakes - -

INGREDIENTS

• 2 cups unbleached plain organic flour
• 1/2 cup sucanat or brown sugar
• 1 T baking powder
• 1 t salt
• 1-2 t cinnamon
• 2 cups soymilk
• 2/3 stick soy margarine, melted and cooled a bit
• 1 T vanilla extract
• Opt: blueberries

METHOD

Mix the dry ingredients together in a large bowl, and the liquid ones in a smaller bowl. Add the liquid to the dry, blending with a whisk (but not too much, or you'll activate the gluten in the flour. That's a secret). Now stir in the blueberries.

Cook them over medium-low heat (adjusting as neccessary), using the butter to grease the pan lightly for each cake if you aren't using a non-stick pan. Serve with *Vermont* maple syrup.

I use real butter because I feel like it, but earth balance works out well too. It makes about 10-12 small pancakes. We like them with fresh strawberries and syrup on top.

I can smell the summer

Two weeks left in this term, one of which is finals so I only have to go for two days to take a test. I cannot begin to tell you how very relieved I will be when Tuesday of next week rolls around. I love my classes this term, but I am feeling a bit squashed. I am also looking forward to having all online classes for the summer.

Lately, I have been taking really poor care of myself, which is bad timing because the pollen is out in full force, which makes me want to hide inside all the days of my life. This is not conducive to having a five year old. So I am making these resolutions for summer:

1) Continue exercising at least five days a week, even though I won't have the fancy school gym to do so. I will be picking the couch to 5k program back up, and tailoring my yoga routine to counter the running, so flexibility and relaxation. I tend to through in pilates with it too because who doesn't want killer abs?

2) I am starting the detox over since I let it go during week one due to youth con. After detox I am going to try and maintain a 60% raw food diet, and no processed foods. And eat as local as possible. More rant on that one later.

3) Get those damn tomatoes planted, as well as a second round of greens and peas.


4) Get rid of at least 50% of the shit in my house. It is insanely cluttered and I am sick of it. My mother is moving out in a month or so and I figure it is the perfect time to purge myself of all the posessions wearing me down and organize what is left. With this also comes taking the coat closet and turning it into a dry goods storage so I can buy larger quantities of bulk foods.

5) Learn to can foods from Sara, and get a better food dehydrator. Preserve as much food as possible. This of course means an excuse to spend lots of time berry picking.

6) Take my daughter into the woods and camp as much as possible. Today in global health we learned about nature defecit disorder and it is terrifying. And it's an excuse to go camping without feeling so irresponsible.

Home

I am 27 years old. I have lived in 26 different houses/apartments that I remember. My current apartment I have lived in for 4 years and this is the longest I have ever lived anywhere. This dawned on me today as I was sitting staring at a painting Emily did when we had first moved in. It still hangs up as a reminder to me of how much has changed since then. Now I am starting to understand why I am so attached to my little home, as inconveniently located as it may be. It is my sanctuary, it is someplace I know I can count on to be exactly what I need. And often it is the only thing predictable in life that I have a certain degree of control over. Or, I did, until my mother moved in last August. Since then I have had a serious lack of personal space, and even less quiet in my life.

I am happy to say that tonight we talked. She asked one more time if I was sure I didn't want to move away from here and get a new place with her and I told her, yes, I was. And then she started looking online. She will be moving out by August. I feel a huge relief wash over me about this. I don't want to see a lack of space ruin what I feel is a really good relationship with my mom.