A year ago today Grandma Joanne was in the hospital. In about 15 hours, it will have been a year since she died with no one but a nurse holding her hand. (I still don't know who that nurse was, but someday, I would like to tell him how wonderful I think he is for staying with her.) I thought that by now, I would have dealt with more of this. There are times when I feel like I have, but there are also times where it hits me out of no where, like a heavy weight on my chest. Thanksgiving was hard. A year ago on Thanksgiving I was blocks away from her. No one answered the phone when I called so I gave up. I should have gone over there. I should have been there. I should have asked my mom how else to get a hold of her live-in partner/caretaker. But I didn't. I tried once and I gave up. At least she wouldn't have been so alone if I had done something more.

The man held responsible just got out of jail and is playing games on facebook. Why this is sticking in my head, I couldn't tell you. What else he is doing, I don't know. But knowing he is out is enough to keep me thinking twice about visiting the rest of my family over there. I don't want to see him. I don't want to see him because I am more angry than I even realize and am afraid of what I would say or do. I don't want to see him because I am afraid of him and what he would say or do. I don't want to go because I am tired of hearing other people's opinions of him, of my grandmother, of the whole situation. I don't put all the blame on him entirely, I feel he is responsible for most of it, but not all. And I try to give respect and the benefit of the doubt. I have to believe that it is possible for good to exist in bad situations. But this by no means makes it ok for people to tell me what a wonderful person he is and how he could not have played any part in her death. It's still too raw.

I miss her.

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,
Generally I try not complain about my problems because I KNOW I could have it a lot worse, and I am incredibly grateful for what I do have. But at this moment, I am finding it hard to breath my way through this and see the other side. I feel so stuck and I can't see a way out. I feel like crap for the way I have unintentionally made people feel, and am frustrated that in taking care of myself and my child, I just make it worse. I know that every little step is a good thing, but I am ready to be able to take some big steps too. I am tired of being so broke, I am tired of debt, and I am tired of feeling like a failure. I know I sound like a whiny baby right now, but it would be really nice to feel financially stable at some point in my life.

Thank you for listening to me gripe, and for all the blessings in my life.

Snow days and growing up

Something about waking up to the hush that comes about on a snowy morning turns me into a giddy 8 year old inside. I love it. Not that I rush right out and jump in it like I used to. Being older and crabby about getting cold and wet gets in the way. (What is it about getting older that makes us more susceptible to the weather extremes?) I did however get up at 6:30 and take my dog out. It is endlessly amusing to watch a stubby legged dog try and come to terms with the cold, wet, sticking to his legs quality of snow. (It is also a lot harder to pick up after your pet in the snow, especially when it's still dark outside, because it melts down into the snow and you have to plunge your hand in after it.)

The other amusing thing about waking up to snow that wasn't there the night before is not the sounds of delight emanating from the neighbor kids outside, but the flood of texts I got from grown people exclaiming and heralding the snow. Some from co-workers out of joy for an unexpected day off. Others from people whom I would have expected to be asleep talking about wishes for snow coming true. My mother called what feels like 8 or 9 times to check on us. (In reality it was only twice I think, and both times she had other reasons for calling but still. "Did you see the snow!?") I sat and watched the snow on my back porch very early this morning and drank some tea and realized that I must be at least a little more grown up that I used to be because when I was a child, I would look at it and think "Well, I don't know about all the beauty crap the adults are talking about, but it's going to need to snow a lot more before there is enough for the snow fort!" Now that I am considered an adult I look at the snow and think to myself how beautiful it is. And THEN consider forts, snow ball fights and snow angels.

Facebook statuses are primarily about snow, hot chocolate, and maybe a few gripes about having to work in it. I heard my neighbor upstairs singing a song about the joy of snow days while her children chanted for hot chocolate. I may or may not have thrown a snow ball or two at the kids outside, and may or may not have thrown some at my dog just to watch him run wild in confusion and joy.

It may be less than an inch on the ground, and it may be almost entirely gone by noon, but I love that something so simple can elicit so much joy in people.

So that last post, the one about staying home all day? I still mean every word of it.

But.

I have been sick for a little over 24 hours and it's driving me crazy being stuck here with all my clutter. I have cabin fever in the worst sort of way. Contributing to this is a sense of feeling like I am still in my early 20's and just left home when I look around and notice that NOTHING in my house matches. Usually, I don't really care, but there is something that instills a sense of comfort and home when you actually put forth effort to make your home your own.

So here I sit, surrounded by too much stuff. Most of it stuff that I took because someone was offering it to me. Not because I need it. I didn't need the hide-a-bed couch, because my living room isn't big enough for two couches. I struggle with clutter a lot. It is my biggest challenge. Some of it is sentimental clutter and tied to emotional issues inside of me that I continue to work through every day. Some of it makes me feel like bad mom for not wanting to keep it around. Some of it is still there out of a lack of motivation and presence of never-endings ways to distract myself. I am so ready to be done with it. So. Once I get better. My winter mission is to make my home more of my own. Get rid of the couch. Get some shelves to organize some necessary stuff, and get rid of the things that when I look at, I am instantly drained by a sense of obligation or just frustrated by it's presence.

Not that I put much stock in appearing as an adult, but it would be nice to have a little more ownership over my space.

And to reward myself? Dinner party!

Every winter, the days become dark and gray, the world outside my home is under constant assault of Oregon's indecisive weather, and I mentally and emotionally crawl inside of myself. Without fail, every year when this time rolls around, as I trudge out of bed and off to the obligations the day brings, all I really want to do is stay home in my warm, comfortable house, drink tea, make art, read books and cook good food. I love it.

And I think that maybe it's a little odd for someone who has a tendency to get suffocated pretty quickly in situations, relationships, jobs, friendships and anything else that I would be so completely happy at the prospect of holing up inside of myself, inside of my apartment. But I can't help it. I love spending the day moving from project to project as my attention or desire wanders. I love the smell of baking, and beeswax candles that burn all day. I love taking my time.

And I think that is really what it comes down to. A craving for time. It is a luxury to be able to wander as I please. The world around me naturally goes to sleep during the winter months, it's a natural inclination to slow down that drives me to shut out the rest of the world and just be with myself for a bit.

For years I have felt that in someway, it is selfish or strange or unacceptable for me to do that. But this year I am practicing radical self care and have decided to honor that need inside of me instead of fight it. While I may not be able to sleep until I am ready to open my eyes everyday, the fact that I know I have carved out time in my life to be able to do this SOMETIMES is rejuvenating and feels awesome. I have already noticed a huge difference as I do this. Instead of feeling at odds with the world around me and that incredible stress that plagues a lot of people this time of year, I have a quiet sense of peace at my core.

And with that, it is time to take cinnamon rolls out of the oven, and pick out yarn from my stash for that new scarf I have been wanting to try my hand at crocheting.

Happy Sunday.