Every winter, the days become dark and gray, the world outside my home is under constant assault of Oregon's indecisive weather, and I mentally and emotionally crawl inside of myself. Without fail, every year when this time rolls around, as I trudge out of bed and off to the obligations the day brings, all I really want to do is stay home in my warm, comfortable house, drink tea, make art, read books and cook good food. I love it.

And I think that maybe it's a little odd for someone who has a tendency to get suffocated pretty quickly in situations, relationships, jobs, friendships and anything else that I would be so completely happy at the prospect of holing up inside of myself, inside of my apartment. But I can't help it. I love spending the day moving from project to project as my attention or desire wanders. I love the smell of baking, and beeswax candles that burn all day. I love taking my time.

And I think that is really what it comes down to. A craving for time. It is a luxury to be able to wander as I please. The world around me naturally goes to sleep during the winter months, it's a natural inclination to slow down that drives me to shut out the rest of the world and just be with myself for a bit.

For years I have felt that in someway, it is selfish or strange or unacceptable for me to do that. But this year I am practicing radical self care and have decided to honor that need inside of me instead of fight it. While I may not be able to sleep until I am ready to open my eyes everyday, the fact that I know I have carved out time in my life to be able to do this SOMETIMES is rejuvenating and feels awesome. I have already noticed a huge difference as I do this. Instead of feeling at odds with the world around me and that incredible stress that plagues a lot of people this time of year, I have a quiet sense of peace at my core.

And with that, it is time to take cinnamon rolls out of the oven, and pick out yarn from my stash for that new scarf I have been wanting to try my hand at crocheting.

Happy Sunday.

A perfect morning

My daughter and I are currently sharing a love affair with these awesome pancakes and grooving to the Bob Marley station on pandora.com

It's pretty cute to watch her bounce and dance to Bob in her nightgown and wild curly hair. This morning we are celebrating the beginning of our summer. Yesterday was my last final of spring term and her last day at her pre-k and the start of the summer of unplanned exploration with semi-planned camping trips, beach trips and road trips that allow ample time of unstructured discovery time in wild and magical places. And ya know, spring cleaning. Today we are getting rid of books and clothes, and yes, I bribed my child with the incentive of being able to keep the money from her stuff that the resale stores give us for it, whats so wrong with that?

If your a pancake fan, you have to try these (pulled from this vegan website that is awesome)...

Pancakes (Version 3)

Breakfast - Pancakes - -

INGREDIENTS

• 2 cups unbleached plain organic flour
• 1/2 cup sucanat or brown sugar
• 1 T baking powder
• 1 t salt
• 1-2 t cinnamon
• 2 cups soymilk
• 2/3 stick soy margarine, melted and cooled a bit
• 1 T vanilla extract
• Opt: blueberries

METHOD

Mix the dry ingredients together in a large bowl, and the liquid ones in a smaller bowl. Add the liquid to the dry, blending with a whisk (but not too much, or you'll activate the gluten in the flour. That's a secret). Now stir in the blueberries.

Cook them over medium-low heat (adjusting as neccessary), using the butter to grease the pan lightly for each cake if you aren't using a non-stick pan. Serve with *Vermont* maple syrup.

I use real butter because I feel like it, but earth balance works out well too. It makes about 10-12 small pancakes. We like them with fresh strawberries and syrup on top.

Allowing time to slow down.

Nothing is more satisfying that the contented sigh that floats out of my daughters body when she is truly happy.  I live for creating the kind of environment around her that elicits that.  As summer approaches I find myself yearning for long sunny days in which there is time to explore the world with her at her leisure.  I long to spend days in the woods exploring the bugs she is so interested in and teaching her how to grow things.  I look forward to the opportunity just be with her.  No classes to get to, no minimum hour requirement at day care to meet for the head start grant.  Just her and I and a world of possibility.  

This summer I have elected not to take any REAL classes.  And by this I mean that I am not taking any classes in which I actually have to be in a classroom.  I am going to be registering for all online classes.  I can't really afford not to take classes if I want to be able to apply for my program this year, but I couldn't stand the thought of another summer going by with me and my child in a classroom and not spending time together.  Lately I have had this desperate feeling of time slipping away from underneath me faster than it usually does and the instinct to just savor what is in front of me right now.  So I am choosing to honor that in allowing myself to move at a slower pace and enjoy being a parent, enjoy living in this wonderful area and relish in the pleasure that comes from honoring the development and needs of my amazing little girl.  

Indulgences

This weekend is the first weekend I have spent doing whatever I please in way too long. Sure there are a million things I should be doing, most of them work related, but something the new crispness that fall has left in the air makes me more defiant than usual, and the result has been lovely. I had made plans earlier in the week out of a feeling of obligation. When the weekend rolled around I just couldn't do it. So what precisely have I been doing?

I read Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk while laying in bed and eating bread and cheese until three am.

I crafted two items for a swap I am in on Craftster, and finished a baby blanket for a friend.

I went craft shopping and overindulged, which felt exquisite.

I started a hat for the aforementioned baby.

I sketched a magpie for a painting.

I have been drinking a lot of tea.

Lots of pajama wearing.

Had lunch with an old and amazing friend.

Had breakfast with a friend.

This morning I woke up on my own at 8am-ish, and layed around for a few hours reading Eat, Pray, Love. And so far the book is amazing. I can tell it is going to spur one of those periods of utter spirituality seeking in my life. I am ok with that.

I had conversation with someone who lives too far away, and who soon, will be even farther away fighting in a dessert.

Now, I am going to plan a trip to Seattle, and paint a magpie. And maybe crochet a hat.

Tonight, I am going to demonstrate just how crazy I am by taking 12 youth to the haunted corn maze and I am going to love every single moment of it. Especially the part at the end when I make up my mind about whether to get the kettle corn or the caramel apple.