Dear Emily,

It is just past midnight and as I sit at the dining room table doing homework I think I hear you mumbling in your sleep, calling out for a cuddle, or shuffling out here for a hug. Then I remind myself that you are at your dad's house and it feels emptier here without you. I can smell you on your pillow, in the blankets we curl up in. Your little drawings, letters, and dolls strewn about the house act as a reminder of you. There are bits of your personality and creations everywhere around here and it feels odd when you are gone. Part of me wants to jump in the car and drive to your dad's house just to smell your hair while you sleep. It almost aches how much I miss you during your seven days away.

And for every part of me that misses you tremendously and wants you home with me, there is also an acknowledgment of how lucky you are to be able to spend equal amounts of time with both parents. I am so happy that you have such a strong relationship with your father, it is something I always wanted as a child and feared you may not get. You are such a daddy's girl sometimes, and I mean that in the most affectionate of ways. He is your hero.

The other day you asked me why he and I weren't married and for the first time I was confronted with how to communicate the complexities of the situation to you. What it comes down to is this: We both love you more than words, and we always will. Your father and I are very different people, and sometimes that gets in the way, but there will never be a day where you won't be in our hearts. I hope that as you grow you will never feel like you must choose a parent. While your father and I have our disagreements, you should know that none of them are your fault, and that I will never ask you to choose one of us. I respect and value that you have both of us, and I hope it is always this way.

I am so lucky to have you as a part of my life. And I am so thankful and blessed for the chance to be your mom.

And I can't wait for you to come home!
Love,
Mom

Letter to my future 12 year old. #2

Dear Emily,

Today you were dancing, and it struck me again how intense my love for you is. And how fast life is going. You will probably hear this innumerable times in your life, but it feels like you were a newborn nuzzled in my arms just yesterday.

Sometimes it moves so fast that I become afraid of not getting all the essentials done. And I get so wrapped up with meeting those needs that I fear I lend to the speediness of life. I know that in my stress I have hurried your explorations in this world, such as when we were on a walk the other day and you stopped to save a ladybug and I got slightly frustrated. It makes me sad to think that I got frustrated at your honest curiosity and kind heart. The truth is, I love that you do those little things. That you are so naturally curious and happy. I love that you dance, that you make up your own little songs to make me smile. I love that you cuddle in your sleep. Feeling your arm wrapped around me at night has come to be the most comforting sensation I know. I love your confidence in yourself. I love YOU. All of you.

I want to be the mom that lets you explore who you are, and the world around you. Even if it means our walk home from the grocery store takes a little longer and dinner is served a little later. Because when it comes right down to it, it doesn't matter what time we eat dinner, it's that we get to eat dinner together, and that you have the room to be you, and know you are loved for it.

Thank you for being patient with me, and for helping me discover this world through your eyes. I am honored to be your mom.

A letter to my future 12 year old.

Dear Emily,

I know that being a girl and 12 is never easy. And I know that mothers and daughters don't always get along. In fact, sometimes it is quite the opposite. I want you to know that's ok. I also want you to know that I will always be there for you. Always. I will try my hardest to always listen to you and your needs. We may not always agree but I want you to know that your opinions and feelings do matter. They always have and they always will. Not only do they matter, but they are important. Don't ever forget to listen to what your heart is telling you. I hope you never see a day when you are afraid to do that. I hope you never encounter a situation in which you feel it is not ok to express your needs. And I hope, that if you do, you know that I will be there to support in you in any way that I can.

You are a beautiful person. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. In retrospect, anyone in my life who has was either jealous of something I had, or a miserable and self-loathing person who needed to put other people down. But because I remember hearing that and it not helping, I hope you also know that it's ok to get mad. It's ok to fight back. It's ok to fall back on those that love you for reinforcement. And it's ok to cry. It's ok to be unhappy, or unsure. It's ok to be confused. It's ok to be happy. It's ok to laugh. It's ok to know what you want. It's ok to like the person that you are. It's ok to be smart. It's ok to be different. It's ok to be your own person. It's also ok to be like other people. It's normal to want to fit in, it's normal to be unique.

Remember that friends will have ups and downs but no true friend will ever intentionally put you down, so don't put up with their shit. It's ok to stick up for yourself. It's ok to stick up for others. It's also ok to walk away.

Never be afraid to be a loving person. And may it be some comfort to you to know that down the road, it won't matter what kind of clothes you wore, or the music you listened to, but the person that you were and the way you treated yourself, and those around you.

Don't ever be afraid or ashamed of making mistakes. Mistakes are the biggest lessons in disguise. Embrace them and learn from them instead of hiding from them. It is what we do with the things we stumble across in life that makes it a positive or a negative journey. So make the most of it!

Know that when you need someone, I am here. And if I am not who you need, there is a large network of people that are loving you, and cheering you on, waiting in the wings to support you in what ways they can. You are an inspiration.

Savor your existence. Take chances. Make decisions boldly. And be safe! Listen to what your mind and heart tell you is right for you, and go for it! When you stumble, dust yourself off and get back up. Or sit out for a round or two and rest. Remember to take care of yourself.

I write this now as you are 5 years old and I am so blessed to be your mom. And proud of you. You have such a big and beautiful personality, and you know yourself so well already. Your teachers in pre-k tell me how well you stick up for yourself, and what a good friend, bright child you are. I see that too. I love you, and I love every minute with you. Even the power struggles. You have taught me so much about myself, about you, and about the world around us and I look forward to watching you grow and make your place in this world. You are so smart, and lovable and fun. You have saved my life.