a dribble of random

My life is so full of wonderful things right now. I feel so incredibly blessed. And proud of myself for having taken the time to refocus myself and decide where to put my time and energy. This last weekend I was up in Seattle for meetings surrounding youth ministry and also to spend time with really great people. And I came home feeling loved and comforted.

As some background on the youth thing, I took on a district volunteer role as an adult to a group of youth leaders. I was honored when approached about this, but a little nervous. Am I cut out for it? Will I really have the energy to put into it that I would like and that they deserve? I had just resigned from the district board because after two years I still didn't feel like sitting in those meetings was where I was supposed to be. I left the YES (Youth Empowerment Services) meeting this weekend inspired and excited to be working with such amazing people. So, I got my answer. Yes, this is where I want to be, this is something I can and want to do, and it's going to be fun to boot. It feels more like doing good things with good friends than work.

School starts tomorrow. I am ready to move on to the next step in my education, which is good because I just got a letter from the financial aid department that basically says "HURRY THE HELL UP, WE ARE TIRED OF GIVING YOU MONEY WHEN YOU HAVEN'T PICKED A PROGRAM YET!" I am now at the stage of applying to nursing schools and scholarships for said schools. It's intimidating and exciting all at once. I am also applying for some public health programs and the policy, public planning and management program at UO. Because I am just indecisive like that. I am also wavering between a degree in social work related stuff and Spanish. Ahhh options, you are such a blessing and a curse sometimes.

Last week my childs father and I had a conversation about how we should talk more because we, ya know, share a kid. I was so encouraged by this and was thinking "yes! he's has finally let go and is starting to think more about this!" until he said "can you just not date any men?" and my hopes were dashed. I am at a loss as what to do there. It really is important that we communicate more, for the sake of our child, but I am tired of feeling like it all hinges on whether I am in a relationship with someone else. Or whether I am PC enough around him to keep his temper in check. It has been almost five years since we separated and I am tired of being at a place where if I meet someone I could see myself with that I cringe and wait for the explosion. It isn't fun.

Ok, I have rambled enough, time to pick up Em from school...

Lessons learned in 2009-Not a ball of GO!

I am not one of those people who can go go go go go until all I am is a big ball of working GO. At the beginning of this year I had an awesome job. Awesome in the sense that had I really been cut out for it, I would have done great things. Not that I didn't do GOOD things, I just could have done better. Had I gone for gold, I would have sacrificed a good deal of my time with my daughter, which is not an option, and I would not have been able to be there for my family in the times they have needed me over the course of the last ten months.

This was also a big lesson for the feminist in me because it forced me to accept that I desire more stereotypically 'female' roles in life. I want to stay home and homeschool my kid, or at the very least play. My family is more important to me than my job and nothing can convince me otherwise. I want to cook for people, teach people, heal people. My 40+ hour a week job helping little college activists do their thing was great, but not satisfying in the way I have learned that I need in order to be able to pour my heart into my work. I had to accept that while I want to change the world, I definitely want to do it in my own unique way that is not at that pace. The next quest comes in discovering that.

This also brought along another lesson. I can't do everything I would like to. Especially not all at once. And I have to say no sometimes. This one has been in the making for years. But it definitely came to a head this year. I have had to sit down and really think about how I want to be spending my time and if I take something else on, am I going to be satisified with the time that leaves me for the rest of my life. In doing this I stepped back from a lot of volunteer work, I resigned from the district board, and I have taken less at church and school. The result? I got to spend the summer with Emily with little else to be responsible to. It was glorious. And this has also left room this fall to be involved with her school too. (OH GAWD! I'M ONE OF THEM! next stop the PTA meeting...) I learned all over again the joy and value of having true connection with my little girl, and was reminded over and over in all the small magical moments we shared why this is my priority, why this is what I am meant to be doing right now.

I guess you could say I got a dose of learning to bite off only what I can chew...

you make me smile/please stay for a while

Love is a really funny thing. It compels us to to what others may deem ridiculous. Like wear cupcake jewelry your five year old made to the grocery store because she is so proud of herself. Or act like a total idiot just to make your best friend smile and forget the stress for a moment. Or drive ridonkulous lengths of time on no sleep just for an extra hour or two with them. Or be insanely patient with a lover who is slowly catching up mentally or emotionally.

Is it painful? Yes. Absolutely. Is it worth it? Without a doubt. Would I do it all again? In a heart beat.

What will love bring next?

humorous

I just had a conversation with my mother about sex in which sex toys, bdsm, and sex positive porn stores were discussed. Sometimes she totally blows me away at what she is open to talking about, or asking about.






Also, post-edit. The two tags below are mom and sexy, and in reference to MY mother, those are not two things I usually put together.


It's all just very amusing to me.

Emily tells a story: Enza and the three bears Kwaja

Once upon a time there was this flower. And this flower was poisoned and someone picked it and it was she was dead! And, well, her mother came and she saw her dead and didn't feel like, felt like she didn't need a kid anymore. And she cried and cried and cried. Until Goldilocks came, and the three bears came with her and decided to have a picnic with the little girl aaaand, there was this big fox who chosen Goldilocks to eat her up. First she started from the head, *crunch* then he started from her stomach, and then legs. And from all these weeks she was alive and tricked her mom and knowed the way home and she scared her mom by tipping her over! And then, her mother was so excited that she was alive and soon they go to get a lollipop, and some ice cream. And soon they were sick. And then they soon they go to a giants house and scare the dad up and it was a mom. And too bad they scared up the little bear and papa bear. Suddenly they got angry and said "Hey child, you better go home or I am gonna cut off your head!" And then they really really needed some water and they were dead.

And soon they woke up in their bed and they were like "HEY! What happened?"

And the end!

Written by Emily Hatfield.
And send this to Prema please. And please. And thank you. And now I am done.