this moment right here...

"In crisis, you are somehow enabled to get in touch with sources of life deep inside yourself-sources you never knew were there. And then mysteriously, like the blades of grass, you begin to know how to grow." (Bill Cane in his book Through Crisis to Freedom).

The last few years of life have brought me an incredible amount of experience. I have felt a deeper pain, a higher happiness, a stronger desperation, and a more vast sense of joy than I ever thought possible. I read this quote this evening in a book for one of my classes and felt it's truth. I wish I had had this taped to my bathroom mirror during past times when even taking the next breath seemed like work. I want to be able to look back on my life and know that I didn't take it for granted. To be able to see the moments in which something larger than myself cradled me in my moments of weakness, or served as inspiration to move me into the next adventure. I want to be able to reflect on what it has all taught me, no matter how hard it all was. I don't want to miss anything. I just want to live.

More Book Fail to work on.

See this is where not going to a traditional high school really failed me- lit class. If this were a list of must-reads from Japan and India? I bet I would have a healthy start. This is from the BBC, a must-read list of books. They say that most people will have only read six of the items on here. The X's are ones I have read. A lot of them are on the other list that I had started, and have been working towards, so maybe we'll just go from this one? Either way it's fun.


1 Pride and Prejudice -
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien -X
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte - X
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling - X
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee - X
6 The Bible - X
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte -
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell - X
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman -
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens -
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott -X
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy –
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller -
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare -
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier -
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien - X
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk -
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger -
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger -
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot -
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell -X
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald - X
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens -
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy -
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams - X
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky -
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck -
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll - X
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame -
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy -
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens -
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis - X
34 Emma - Jane Austen -
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen -
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis - X
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini -
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres -
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden - X
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne - X
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell -
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown - X
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez -
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving -
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins -
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery -X
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy -
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood -
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding - X
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan -X
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel -
52 Dune - Frank Herbert -
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons -
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen -
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth -
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon -
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens -
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley -
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - Mark Haddon -
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez -
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck - X
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov -
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt -
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold -
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas-X
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac -
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy -
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding -
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie –
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville -
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens -
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker -
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett -X
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson -
75 Ulysses - James Joyce -X
76 The Inferno – Dante -
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome -
78 Germinal - Emile Zola -
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray -
80 Possession - AS Byatt –
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens -
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell -
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker -
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro -
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert -
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry -
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White - X
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom -
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle -
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton -
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad -
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery -X
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks -
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams -
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole -
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute -
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas -
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare -
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - X
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo -

So far? 27.

Emily teaches me how to make fruit punch

Tell me how to make fruit punch...

"get a big bowl..aaaaand put juice in it and mix it. Put. And. You have to wait for a minute to let the stuff inside it, it supposed to be cold, but you can do whatever you want. And then you start stirring it up. Then you put ice in it, then you put in the freezer, or the 'fridgerator. Aaaaand. And, thats about it. And then you drink it! It's ssUPER yummy!"

How could anyone ever tell you...

There are always people in your life that you may not be close enough to call at random just to see how they are, or that you even communicate with at all on a regular basis, yet you still consider them to be friends. I had the privilege of attending a C*UUYAN ConCentric business meeting in the summer of 2007 where I met several people like this. Beautiful people. Some that I haven't talked to since then, one of which I never will. Katie was a generous, warm, friendly, musical spirit. Upon meeting her she hugged me with a wonderful smile upon her face and a warm and genuine "So glad to meet you". She was there as I eased my way into an overwhelming experience with comforting words or a hug in passing. And she had the most beautiful voice.

Katie was on her way home from GA a few weeks ago when a on-coming car crossed into her lane and struck her head on. She did not make it. It's always a shock when someone makes a sudden departure like this, even if you didn't know them very well. I would like to think that she did not suffer long, and that she has moved on to do bigger and better things with her amazing spirit. She touched so many people during her time here that I can't believe that she would be doing anything else.

I will remember her with her smiling eyes as she sang a song that so many remember her for...
How could anyone ever tell you
You were anything less than beautiful?
How could anyone ever tell you
You were less than whole?
How could anyone fail to notice
that your loving is a miracle,
How deeply your connected to my soul...

Rest in Peace.

Leaving space for the divine.

So many times in life have I felt like the rest of the commitments or pressures outside of my home were sucking out the spiritual aspect of parenting and putting too much focus on the practical and the "must-do's" like making sure meals are made, baths are given, clothes are washed, play dates are organized, etc. And I let it happen. And I think this is a shame because some of the most magical aspects of being a parent for me have come when sharing with my daughter an experience with Spirit. So, I leave this book by my bed where I see it everyday, and this is a nice reminder to me to not get too bogged down in the practical so that I leave room for the spiritual, divine, and magical. I also pick it up from time to time and read it, which is even better! I get so worried sometimes about crushing the more sensitive parts of my little girls spirit, and this book has provided me much comfort and creativity in honoring the parts of her that are in tune with parts of the world most people don't see. And honoring and getting in touch with those parts of myself.

I believe that I last wrote about my experiences with discomfort in the god language with principle number one, Know that God Loves You. (I have accepted the fact that one of my biggest spiritual tasks is getting over my past experience with "GOD" and getting to know the presences looking out for me in a way that is purely my own.) I think because of this I put the book down for a while. But since getting beyond that principle I am only continually inspired by what this book is saying. It was almost as if Principle #2 catered to the UU in me. It is "Trust and Teach That All Life is Connected" and is something I wholeheartedly believe to be true. And it is a principle that is definitely at work in our home. My daughter spends a good portion of time trying to better the lives of bugs, animals, people, and plants that we see everyday because "if I were a ladybug on the sidewalk Mommy, I would want someone to help me home and not squash me!" And while reviewing the suggested journal ideas and activites to get us more involved with our community, Emily delighted in quite a few of them. Watching her express her concern for the world around her tugs at my mommy pride heartstrings, as well as moves me to help her make the world she will be living in a better place.

Principle #3 has had a most profound affect on me. It is quite simple. And it is something I really strive to do more of. It is simply "Listen to Your Child". What a difference it makes too. Lately, I have made a point to not do any work during the day while Em is home with me because that was the whole reason for not taking any classes aside from online ones this summer, was to give myself the freedom to be with my child, to see the world from her eyes, and discover where that takes us. I realize how impatient of a person I can be when I know that there are things I will need to be doing next, or when things aren't moving fast enough for me, and I believe one of the lessons I have to learn from my child is how to slow down. The other day while laying in bed at rest time, Emily put a hand on each side of my face, looked me deep in the eye and said "Mommy, I love you. And it makes me happy to play with you and not have to wait while you work." These little gems are my child revealing to me her needs, wants and desires. It was a wake up call to the fact that I was unintentionally telling my child that homework came before her. One thing I hope to foster in my relationship with my daughter is an unquestionable respect for each other and the ability to be able to say things like this to each other, now, and as she grows. I plan to re-read this chapter and try some of the suggestions they have for building in "Listening time" to daily routines with children; and also to let the very concept of making room for listening become built into my life. I don't ever want her to feel like she won't be heard when she voices her thoughts.


In following the principles and ideas picked up from this book, tomorrow I will be packing a lunch, some pens and paper, and a blanket and heading out to the arboretum where we have been watching frogs grow from eggs, to tadpole, to full-blown frog, and just taking our time to be together, to watch nature, and to draw or write what ever comes to mind. Emily has been so interested in telling stories that incorporate what she is seeing in the world around her, and I want to give her the chance to process parts of the world outside of the media obsessed world she sees on a daily basis.

Emily tells a story: Make Believe

There was a dark forest and only two bears. The momma one and the poppa one. They didn't have any babies so thats why they went in the forest and lived in the forest. Goldilocks went into the forest and heard "RAWR! Who's in our forest?" She came closer and it came louder "WHO"S IN OUR FOREST???" Until she fell down and she woke up and she wasn't in Kansas anymore. She was in a forest. She got out of bed. And then ate some cereal because she was getting starving! AND she also took a drink of water and she read a book, she made a book, AND she drawed a picture. And then she walking and heard "Eerrrrr" She saw this store and she went inside and the two bears were having a baby and his name was little baby and then they walked to get her out of the forest and back into Kansas and then she ate food and make food, made drinks, and from all that stuff she made she even made pudding. She laid on the couch. She heard a "knock knock" and she got up and opened it, invited all her friends, all her friends came in the same pile, brought presents and ate cake. She made a cake. Then she opened all her presents and then the last present she had to get was MAKE-UP!

"And that's the end of MY story. Wrotten by Emily H."

Emily tells a story: Goldilocks and the 3 bears. Again.

"I'm thinking.......Goldilocks and the Three Bears."

"You already told this one!"

"No! It's a different one."

The three bears ate oatmeal. And Papa said "let's go for a walk" Baby bear said "I love going for walks!" He runned up ahead and the mom and dad catched up to him. And they...Goldilocks came and she saw oatmeal and she cracked in the door and said "hellloooo?" and no one was home. SO she sneaked in and she said "this oatmeal is toooo hot!" and she tried the other one and she said "this one's toooo cold" and she tried the other one and she said "this ones juuuust right!" and she went off to watch tv. She tried the first one and said "this ones tooo hard", she tried the second one and she said "this ones toooo soft" and she tried the third one and said "this ones juuuust right!" And she tried the second-(did I already say that? Oh! Ok...) And she was getting tired so she went up and did some, and watched tv. She said this bed tooo hard, and she tried the second one and she said this ones tooooo soft, and she tried the last one and it was juuuust right. She turned on the tv and heard the bears crack open the door, they came and she was still, the poppa said "someones been sleeping in my bed", and the momma said "someones been sitting in my bed" and the baby one said "someones been laying in my bed and she's still there!" And then the three bears, they went close to Goldilocks, she woke up and she screamed! Her legs carried her allll the way home! And yelled "I'll never come back to this house. And the bears locked a big chain on the door so no one could come in.

"And thats the end of my story, and it's wrote by Emily Rabbit!"

Emily tells a story: Goldilocks and the 3 bears.

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Goldilocks, and the three bears. The three bears went on a walk and to let their oatmeal cool off. And then, an then when she Goldilocks came, she said "this soup is too hot!" and she tried the other one and it was too cold, and she tried the other one, and when she got to the perfect one she ate it all up! Then she went to the room to watch TV. She watched TV and she got tired and she went in the beds and she said "this beds too HARD" and she tried the other bed "This beds tooooo soft" and the other one was just right. And she saw the three bears coming home and said, the poppa one said "Someones been eating my oatmeal" and the momma said "Someones been eatin my oatmeal" and the baby said "Someones been eatin my oatmeal and she ate it allllll up." And Goldilocks heard talking and she tried, she jumped out of the window, and runned home, and she said "I'll never come back to this house ever again!"

The bears saw her running out of the window and yelled "Wait! We're nice bears!" So she came back, and they all had a dance party with marshmallows and graham crackers and chocolate, they had s'mores, and lemonade, and pudding. Chocolate pudding!

And that is the end.


*as told verbatim by the divine Miss Emily Rabbit.

Letter to my future 12 year old. #2

Dear Emily,

Today you were dancing, and it struck me again how intense my love for you is. And how fast life is going. You will probably hear this innumerable times in your life, but it feels like you were a newborn nuzzled in my arms just yesterday.

Sometimes it moves so fast that I become afraid of not getting all the essentials done. And I get so wrapped up with meeting those needs that I fear I lend to the speediness of life. I know that in my stress I have hurried your explorations in this world, such as when we were on a walk the other day and you stopped to save a ladybug and I got slightly frustrated. It makes me sad to think that I got frustrated at your honest curiosity and kind heart. The truth is, I love that you do those little things. That you are so naturally curious and happy. I love that you dance, that you make up your own little songs to make me smile. I love that you cuddle in your sleep. Feeling your arm wrapped around me at night has come to be the most comforting sensation I know. I love your confidence in yourself. I love YOU. All of you.

I want to be the mom that lets you explore who you are, and the world around you. Even if it means our walk home from the grocery store takes a little longer and dinner is served a little later. Because when it comes right down to it, it doesn't matter what time we eat dinner, it's that we get to eat dinner together, and that you have the room to be you, and know you are loved for it.

Thank you for being patient with me, and for helping me discover this world through your eyes. I am honored to be your mom.

Ooooh life.

Lately, I feel a little squished by it all. My attempts at escape or vacation have rendered me more stressed out than when I embarked, which is incredibly frustrating. Em has the chicken pox and until they popped up and were diagnosed I was at a loss as to why she was so out of sorts and emotional, which set me off and mixed with my mothers concern made for such a tense atmosphere the dog was suffering.

Death and serious illness has been everywhere I turn lately. In addition to all the celebrity death I see a lot of people distraught over, a friend was killed in a car crash, there have been several cancer diagnosis or suspicions, and so much more.

Taking four classes online, which I maintain was still a good idea because going to class would just suck ass, bring an incredible reading load that I am keeping up with but I am getting a little tired of it all.

But today, I am letting it all go for awhile. I am going to drink tea, listen to Nat King Cole and remember how to breathe, I am going to play with my sick kiddo. I am going get my car looked at so I can get it fixed and take her out to the woods. I am not going to worry about the dishes, the laundry or any other chores that just have to be done. I am going to take a nap, make popcorn and watch a movie. Unless I don't feel like it, then I won't. I am just letting it all go today.