I love this time of year. I love the smell and sound of rain, I love the cool temperatures, I love the seasonal food coming available. I love the natural inclination to reflect. I love that this all coincides with my birthday, a logical time to reflect, with a season that is symbolic of certain things coming to an end and other new beginnings.

Today I am all by myself at home. In my yoga pants and sweatshirt, drinking tea and slowly doing some house work. The last week has been a stressful one, but has brought about some much needed change and questions. I ended a professional relationship with a client, which at first brought tremendous feelings of failure and guilt, but when settled in with, brought a huge sense of relief. I love being a health coach, but I need to refocus myself a but, and refine exactly who and how I want to help. It was my first full week at the part time job I took working with children. It was wonderful and tiring. I am not used to having to be up and presentable and at work by 7am. That is a dreadfully early time for me and my mind/body, which is part of the appeal of being self employed. But I love the people I work with and for, I love that I get paid to remember how to play and I love that it will provide some financial stability while I wade through this professional swamp I put myself in the middle of. Most of all, I love that I am off work in time to pick up Em from school and spend my afternoons with her. But, after a full week of it, I am exhausted.

All of the stress and change and changing of my mind left me in a bit of a funk the last few weeks. Well, more than just a bit of a funk, in a huge funk. But Friday came and found me ready to float out of it. My work day brought me laughter, my afternoon brought me some time to myself to organize my surroundings physically in order to make space mentally, and my evening brought me the company of a wonderful person who reminded me how to feel joyful about who I am. And to feel pretty. (I am comfortable enough now to be ok admitting that I like to feel pretty.)

My birthday is in a few weeks, and while turning 29 does not usually lead to a lot of re-evaluation and contemplation as 30 does in most people, I find myself spending a lot of time the last few days looking back at what I had expected to do with my 20's, and where I anticipated being as I stepped into my 30's. On the whole, I am not too upset with where I am, I am happy with my life. I think most of all, I am craving certain kinds of stability. None of this is new, but it is on my mind. Financial stability is something I continue to work towards, and probably always will because it doesn't seem a wise thing to just shirk that off. But also, stability that comes along with a solid community of people. Yes, I have my church community, my friends, but when I look at all the people dearest to my heart, they are scattered across the globe like seeds to the wind. I have started to focus a lot more on my immediate community, and working on finding people here, now, that feel like good people to align with, to care for, to laugh with, and to love.

As my daughter continues to grow, being a mom is an incredible gift. I enjoy her so much more than I think I ever thoughts parents could. Is that weird? That I thought that? Seeing her make her bold statements to the world around her inspires me to be more courageous and confident.

Yes, there are things I would like to change, to overcome, to repair. But as I look back on the last year of my life, I can say with confidence that this is the first time in my life that my problems and my stress don't encompass all of me. They don't define me, they don't rule my moods and decisions as much as they used to, and they don't sap my happiness. I am happy. And I love that.

I know I say this a lot, but it is so very true. I have a blessed life.

Lessons learned in 2009-Not a ball of GO!

I am not one of those people who can go go go go go until all I am is a big ball of working GO. At the beginning of this year I had an awesome job. Awesome in the sense that had I really been cut out for it, I would have done great things. Not that I didn't do GOOD things, I just could have done better. Had I gone for gold, I would have sacrificed a good deal of my time with my daughter, which is not an option, and I would not have been able to be there for my family in the times they have needed me over the course of the last ten months.

This was also a big lesson for the feminist in me because it forced me to accept that I desire more stereotypically 'female' roles in life. I want to stay home and homeschool my kid, or at the very least play. My family is more important to me than my job and nothing can convince me otherwise. I want to cook for people, teach people, heal people. My 40+ hour a week job helping little college activists do their thing was great, but not satisfying in the way I have learned that I need in order to be able to pour my heart into my work. I had to accept that while I want to change the world, I definitely want to do it in my own unique way that is not at that pace. The next quest comes in discovering that.

This also brought along another lesson. I can't do everything I would like to. Especially not all at once. And I have to say no sometimes. This one has been in the making for years. But it definitely came to a head this year. I have had to sit down and really think about how I want to be spending my time and if I take something else on, am I going to be satisified with the time that leaves me for the rest of my life. In doing this I stepped back from a lot of volunteer work, I resigned from the district board, and I have taken less at church and school. The result? I got to spend the summer with Emily with little else to be responsible to. It was glorious. And this has also left room this fall to be involved with her school too. (OH GAWD! I'M ONE OF THEM! next stop the PTA meeting...) I learned all over again the joy and value of having true connection with my little girl, and was reminded over and over in all the small magical moments we shared why this is my priority, why this is what I am meant to be doing right now.

I guess you could say I got a dose of learning to bite off only what I can chew...

At what point in life do the tables turn and we become our parents keepers? I signed no note of consent, received no disclaimers nor a heads up. I just somehow find myself in these moments of life where I am coaching mine through moments that feel familiar to what they have once done, or should have done, for me. How bittersweet. I am happy that I can return the support I received growing up. But it is exhausting sometimes. Sometimes, I don't want to play the calm one, I want to throw my hands up in the air, let out a breath of exasperation, or roll my eyes. I want to be the one seeking the solace, I want to be the one being completely honest about what it is that I think I want, or what it is I am scared of. But the truth is, I am scared to. Because what if what I am wanting is exactly what will hurt them the most? How do I reconcile the parts of me that want my family close and familiar with the part that is screaming and begging for a little more space/independence/trust/faith of my own? They don't seem to be compatible at all.

It is then that I take a deep breath and realize that what being in the position of parental guidance provider means is that I have reached a point in life where I am closer to what I would call "stable". And suddenly it isn't so much of a burden, but brings peace into my soul. I CAN do this because I am confident enough in who I am and what I am trying to do with my life that I can provide the love and support to other people. The challenge comes in honoring myself at the same time and stopping to appreciate the moments unbidden that give me a moments quiet reflection to appreciate all that I have, all that I am, and all that is part of life.

I would be lying if I said I didn't get overwhelmed by my living situation. It is crowded. But I have gained a perspective into who my mother is that I would have never gotten elsewhere and while I may get really frustrated sometimes, I don't think I would change it or trade the experience for anything. And I am always in flux as to how I would like my father to stand in my life, but from his misgivings and mistakes I have had a constant visible reminder of what living in fear will do to a person. He may be the most unhealthy person I know, but he is still my father. I can't run away from that, although I have spent the better half of the last 27 years trying. I am always closer to accepting the fact that he isn't the type of father that I would have chosen had I been given the chance, but maybe he is the one I needed in this life in order to learn something. (Or maybe I just got the shit end of the stick...)

For now though, I am sensing a need to focus on me, how I mother to my wonderful child, and the work I do in this world.

On Becoming Physically Fit

I must be doing something right this time around because there isn't nearly as much pain involved. A lot of people have asked me recently "Why the new interest in working out/running/etc.?" And that question is usually followed by the statement "You look just fine..."

Ok people, this has nothing to do with the way I LOOK. If cared enough about the way I look to push myself this hard I may also be caught leaving the house every day showered, never wearing clothes I had worn the day before, and always with my hair neatly in place and make-up perfectly done. As of right now, that has yet to happen. And I am ok with that. And might I add that I think it's a shame that the majority of people seem to think appearance is the only reason to maintain some sort of exercise routine.

My first reason for doing this is my health, which at times in the past has been scary and way below par. I am an asthmatic with allergies. Now these have their secondary health problems as well. Like poor circulation. Last time I got sick I noticed that my legs had a purplish tint. That is not normal. And not awesome at all unless I was going for resembling some sort of star trek-like alien life form. This is due to lack of oxygen and can lead to all sorts of gross things, like tissue death. Gross.

Another reason is that I hate being such a damn wimp. I guess around the time I left my childs father and dealt with anxiety for the first time in my life, and felt emotionally weak I felt motivated to change that, but the thing is, you can't rush recovery from an abusive situation. So I started to try and change what I could, my physical strength and well-being. Most of it centered on relaxation, but to be completely honest, I was so exhausted from trying to be nice to myself and be a good mom by myself that I didn't have the time or energy.

And a third reason is that I get bored really easily. Now that I have these long stretches of time when my daughter is with her father, I find myself getting bored. And when I get bored I become apathetic and lazy. And then I just feel like a slug. The best part of the running part of this new plan is the rush I feel after a run, and the new energy that lasts for hours after a run. I love that I can feel my body changing, breathing better, running longer and faster, I just feel more alive.

It just HAPPENS to be a nice side effect that my legs look less chicken-like as this all progresses.

I just found a yoga routine that centers on abdominal strengthening. Oy. Thats the only sore spot I have right now. There is one exercise where you lay flat on your back and lift your legs into the air, keeping them straight. I did what felt like a million of those yesterday. It also happens to be a part of my warm-ups for my runs, and damn if it wasn't the hardest part today. But, the warm-ups have been doing wonders for the run. I think that is part of the reason i haven't been sore.

Anyhow. I feel good. (Despite being bitter about probably not going to Anne-Marie's solstice party today, lame car troubles.)

More and more I am finding parts of life I have been longing for. Isn't that great?

Yesterday I spent the day at the grassroots garden, a community garden here in town that grows organic produce for the local food bank. I have been there a few times with Em and it was a blast, she got a kick out spreading manure on the broccoli. "It's poooooooop mommy!" This time I went by myself. One of the great things about this garden is the outdoor kitchen in which they cook lunch for the volunteers everyday. Most of the food used comes from the garden itself, and it is always delicious! (They have a cob oven they use for pizza sometimes too...) Yesterday I spent my whole day in the kitchen, getting to know the garden coordinator and talking about feeding people. It was marvelous. This woman has so much passion for the work she does that you cannot stand next to her and remain in a lack-luster mood. By the end of the day I landed myself an Americorps intern postion as the kitchen coordinator in exchange for school scholarship money. Fabulous!

I have changed my major, and while I worry that I may never stay with something long enough to finish a degree, this truly feels like the right place to be. I have been sitting in this global health class all term, learning about these incredibly urgent issues threatening the health of people and the environment, and the more I learn, the less making a phone call or signing a petition satisfies the need in me to do something about it all. I will be transferring to Oregon State University next spring to get a bachelors in health promotion and education and a minor in sociology, then a masters in teaching (high school and college levels). I want to teach, I always have, and I want to make an impact on these things threatening the emotional and physical well-being of us all. This combines my need to do something, with my spiritual passion, my passion for teaching, and is something that will keep me in a constant state of learning. I am very excited to see what the next few years bring me.

I have also recently resigned my position on the district board of directors through my church, and have taken on an adult advising role within the district youth leadership community. I feel this was an important step for me as I have always felt a passion for providing such a wonderful community for our youth, and a need to do such as it is the community that helped foster my own spiritual and personal development as a youth. I am looking forward to seeing what this brings into my life as well.

I have also been more dedicated to my personal health than in the recent past. It helps that this time of year fresh produce is abundant. I am working on cutting out processed sugars. She's a temptress, she is. I am still doing yoga and am adding in a more well rounded workout schedule/exercise/active time as well, and I feel so much better. Partly because it is intentional 'me' time, but also, I really need to just get off my ass more. I am thinking about joining a volleyball or soccer team through the city. Although, I have never played soccer....

And yay for three day weekends!

Indulgences

This weekend is the first weekend I have spent doing whatever I please in way too long. Sure there are a million things I should be doing, most of them work related, but something the new crispness that fall has left in the air makes me more defiant than usual, and the result has been lovely. I had made plans earlier in the week out of a feeling of obligation. When the weekend rolled around I just couldn't do it. So what precisely have I been doing?

I read Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk while laying in bed and eating bread and cheese until three am.

I crafted two items for a swap I am in on Craftster, and finished a baby blanket for a friend.

I went craft shopping and overindulged, which felt exquisite.

I started a hat for the aforementioned baby.

I sketched a magpie for a painting.

I have been drinking a lot of tea.

Lots of pajama wearing.

Had lunch with an old and amazing friend.

Had breakfast with a friend.

This morning I woke up on my own at 8am-ish, and layed around for a few hours reading Eat, Pray, Love. And so far the book is amazing. I can tell it is going to spur one of those periods of utter spirituality seeking in my life. I am ok with that.

I had conversation with someone who lives too far away, and who soon, will be even farther away fighting in a dessert.

Now, I am going to plan a trip to Seattle, and paint a magpie. And maybe crochet a hat.

Tonight, I am going to demonstrate just how crazy I am by taking 12 youth to the haunted corn maze and I am going to love every single moment of it. Especially the part at the end when I make up my mind about whether to get the kettle corn or the caramel apple.