con...edit#2

Defining my experiences as a youth in the UU youth conference community, and the impact they have had on my life, is something that still, ten years later, I can't completely do. I lived for con. I would count days till the next one, and upon my return my mother would be endlessly irritated by my post-con depression, and my friends sick of hearing about the awesomeness known as UU youth. It scares me to think of what my life would have been had I not found such a safe haven. A place where I did not feel judged, and was openly accepted for who I was. A place where it was ok to explore my beliefs, my style, my place in the world. A place where affection was normal and natural and a hug was just a hug, it didn't come packed with expectations or assumptions (or even just that affection IS healthy and normal and that the expression of such is acceptable as long as personal boundaries are heard and respected). I was given the chance to make a difference in the world at large through social justice projects, I was taught more about what it means to be a UU, I was given opportunity to explore what spirituality meant for me, and I was given the freedom to discover myself and find my voice. All within a community that was supportive and safe. I often tell parents that send their youth to cons with me that attending them myself saved my life as a teen. And I mean it. I went to my first con a painfully shy, self-conscious, and lost 13 year old (yes, rules were different then) and bridged out as a confidant, spiritual young adult who had developed an awareness of my faith, myself, the kind of world I wanted to work towards, and the kind of people I wanted to surround my life with. Without them, I would have missed out on the opportunity to learn about myself in a way that can only happen in a faith-based community surrounded by peers. I wouldn't have found support from a huge network of adults that were there to nurture and support my development as a person, a leader and as a UU. (Parents are great for this too, but sometimes there are just times where as a youth you need the ear or guidance of an adult outside that parental relationship...).


I look at the youth in the conference community today and I see my teen years reflected back at me. The difference is, it's much healthier now than it was then. When I was a youth there was no requirement that youth had to be a part of a congregation, which meant that there was a whole aspect to con that lacked any spiritual affiliation. Youth would show up not knowing what a UU was and over time this led to even the worshipful parts of con slowly diminishing. There was not a whole lot of institutional memory either. These days we have a conferences coordinator (we love you Anne-Marie!) who serves that role. As the adult advisor to the planning committee of this last con I can say this is immensely helpful to have her there to tell us what ideas or events worked in the past, which sites were better than others and why, and as general support. She is there as someone who can fill whatever role is needed, or can at least find someone who can step in. She is a driving force behind making con happen, and providing endless support to our youth as they continue to make this community healthy and vital. Most importantly though, our youth are more engaged and active than ever before. I see passion and intelligence that blows me away. I was breathless at points during our theme event in which youth discussed very real and powerful issues that they face in everyday life and how being UU contributes to and helps them cope. I encourage everyone to read the manuscript of these discussions that will be coming out shortly.

Becoming a sponsor was something that I always knew I would do, it was just a natural step for me, to help provide the same community that was so vital for me, to our youth today. Sponsoring at these cons is among the most gratifying experiences that I have had the pleasure of participating in. At this last conference my best friend Vanessa, whom was one of my first and greatest con friends, attended as the nurse and it is the first one we have been at together in ten years. Being in that community with her helped me to realize a little more just how special this all is. Watching our youth forge bonds that are the same kinds of bonds I created with people, that today are still some of the most important people to me, made me nostalgic. It also made me realize how much most people lack a community like this that feels so much like home. There are so few places in the world today the provide youth with a safe haven of comfort that also encourages them to examine the kind of people they are, the world as it is, and to take that and change it for the better. There is a lack of accepting communities that don't shove corporate media or societal expectations of what is 'normal' in their faces. There are very few places they will find where the community encourages healthy expressions of self, instead of self-destructive avenues of exploration and expression.

I know how intimidating it can be as an adult to sit in a community full of teens who are empowered and encouraged to lead themselves. With all the preconceptions and stereotypes that fly around out there today (that adults have about youth and that youth have about adults) it makes it very easy to create a gap between generations that spurs weariness of each other. And I have talked with parents that are concerned about what their children may be experiencing at these conferences. As a parent myself, I can understand most of those concerns as well. But as a former youth from this community who is continually grasping what a benefit to my life they were, and as a current sponsor, I also must say this: There is no other place I would rather my daughter come of age when she reaches that stage in her life.

Home

I am 27 years old. I have lived in 26 different houses/apartments that I remember. My current apartment I have lived in for 4 years and this is the longest I have ever lived anywhere. This dawned on me today as I was sitting staring at a painting Emily did when we had first moved in. It still hangs up as a reminder to me of how much has changed since then. Now I am starting to understand why I am so attached to my little home, as inconveniently located as it may be. It is my sanctuary, it is someplace I know I can count on to be exactly what I need. And often it is the only thing predictable in life that I have a certain degree of control over. Or, I did, until my mother moved in last August. Since then I have had a serious lack of personal space, and even less quiet in my life.

I am happy to say that tonight we talked. She asked one more time if I was sure I didn't want to move away from here and get a new place with her and I told her, yes, I was. And then she started looking online. She will be moving out by August. I feel a huge relief wash over me about this. I don't want to see a lack of space ruin what I feel is a really good relationship with my mom.

youth con

Defining my experiences as a youth in the UU youth conference community, and the impact they have had on my life, is something that still, ten years later, I still can't completely do. Becoming a sponsor was something that I always just knew I would do, it was a natural occurance to me, to help provide the same community that was so vital for me, to our youth today. At this last conference my best friend Vanessa, whom was one of my first and greatest con friends, attended as the nurse and it is the first one we have been at together in ten years. Being in that community with her help me to realize a little more just how special this all is.


Ok, so that is a start....it will have to be finished later. I got six hours of sleep the entire weekend and thought prcesses are still working on their return...

Can I just say that I love my child so much that sometimes I feel like I am going to burst? Because I do. I knew that being a mom was something that I wanted experience since I was about 12. But I never in my life imagined how intense the emotional aspect of it would be. The extent to which my heart is tied to her is almost unbearable sometimes, but in the best of ways.

The velocity at which time started to move once she was born is incredibly overwhelming. I cannot believe that she is five. I cannot believe that she will be in kindergarten this fall. And her grasp on the way things work in this world absolutely blows me away. I am so grateful that she is a part of life, I have learned and loved more with her that I think I ever could have without her. I feel blessed.

And, she is such a snuggle bug.

That's all. This is what is on my mind as I sit here and try to catch up on homework.

detox day two

I am sure this whole detox thing is going to get harder at SOME point, but I am actually really happy with it right now. Maybe because I have experienced a more harsh type of elimination detox diet?

The challenge will come this weekend when I sponsor youth this weekend at a youth con. At first, I did think I may be crazy for starting this the week before this conference, however, when I go to these things I generally eat total crap all weekend. Don't get me wrong, there is generally good food at the meals, but I fill the hours in between with carbs, candy and generally unhealthy substances. Team that with a total lack of proper sleep. (I know, it sounds awful, but they really are a blast.) I will definitely be bringing food with me to supplement what our wonderful cooks are planning. I should have actually been doing this a while ago because of the ridiculous REAL allergies I have (poultry and nuts) because the meat was always turkey and the snack of substance was a peanut butter or almond butter sandwich. I also still really suck at clarifying my nut allergy and forget to ask about it in advance enough for accomodations to be provided. It doesn't help the lack of nutrition situation. (Again, not the cooks fault, I just suck at the whole prep thing sometimes). Knowing how it felt right before my crash last time, I can say that I am very close to going there again and that it was necessary for me start this as soon as possible. And, I think now that I have to THINK about what I eat more, I will actually take better care of myself, at cons and life in general.

Anyhow. Other side benefits other than avoiding total immune system crash are more energy, better circulation, less hayfever (oh man, that would be AWESOME!), clearer skin, better sleep, better overall digestion. Can't argue against any of that. So far, I have noticed that I am already less congested and my face, especially my eyes weren't as puffy in the morning as they have been. Also, I think because I have been eating a lot more raw food, I have a lot more energy after eating. It's almost like a buzz in a way.

Tomorrow I need to sit down and start planning food stuff for this weekend...

First Day of the detox.

I am still excited about this so it's all good. Except the part about the whole shock to the digestive system due to the copious amounts of real food it is processing. But I feel awesome. My blood sugar hasn't been all over the map today like it has the last few weeks which is glorious. I was beginning to think I was hormonally imbalanced and had even worse hypoglycemic things happening.

Most people think I am crazy for doing this upon hearing about the things I can't eat, and the first question is always "Why would you want to do that?" That's a good question.

When I was younger, like grade school young, I got really really sick. Not with anything specific, just really sickly. Grossly pale and skinny with horrendous dark circles under my eyes. Terribly fatigued and always catching the latest fashion in flu virus. No conventional doctor could really figure out why so they just prescribed antibiotics. Which in turn would give me awful digestive problems and make me more sick. My mom, bless her, took me to an alternative medicine practitioner who decided that through things I was ingesting my body had reached incredibly high levels of toxin concentrations. I was diagnosed with candida (intestinal yeast problems, most likely from the antibiotics), leaky gut syndrome (pretty much what it sounds like, causing my immune system to attack everything consumed as an allergy), and then tested for food allergies. There is nothing more depressing as a 12 year old than sitting at a table with your friends at school while they eat pizza, nachos, sandwiches, cookies and the like, while you eat the same thing for about three years (oats, rice, green vegetables, very little fruit, and beef). I had developed allergies or sensitivities to nearly everything. For three years I had to eat like this in addition to taking an obscene amount of vitamins and supplements, before I could add anything back in. Before cutting everything out I had gotten to the point that things like carrots and bananas would make me break out in hives.

Around the end of middle school, having reached a certain degree of health, I quit caring and started sneaking food I wasn't supposed to have. And everything came back again. I have battled with this on and off since then. For someone who loves food, and loves to bake especially, this is a very difficult struggle. It could be so much worse, I know. But it's still rough. Then, being a single parent added in the problem of never having enough time to cook the way I should and want to be eating which leads to eating a lot of processed foods. Lately, old symptoms have been creeping back in. Itchy throat when I eat things that usually don't bother me, fatigue, digestive issues, and the worst skin problems I have ever had. (Still, could be worse, but hints at something else going on.) The worst though is that my asthma has started to bother me all the time whereas before, it was just around cats and dogs.

So, instead of waiting for this all to lead to a total breakdown in health, or letting this increase my likelihood of developing all the gross diseases that hereditarily stalk my family, I am going to do something about it. Yay me! Let's see how it goes!

Revamp of Operation Eat Better

So since beginning operation eat better, I have also started exercising more, and have taken on a heavier class load, resulting in higher stress levels and less time to prep food. I have also noticed that a lot of old food sensitivities are returning and it is really beginning to irritate me. SO I have decided to do a detox. For three weeks. Starting tomorrow. I will be cutting out dairy, wheat and other gluten, eggs, sugar, chocolate, alcohol and food additives and preservatives. In addition I will be continuing to eat lots of fresh foods, and adding more flax and lemon juice into the mix. We shall see how it goes.....

A letter to my future 12 year old.

Dear Emily,

I know that being a girl and 12 is never easy. And I know that mothers and daughters don't always get along. In fact, sometimes it is quite the opposite. I want you to know that's ok. I also want you to know that I will always be there for you. Always. I will try my hardest to always listen to you and your needs. We may not always agree but I want you to know that your opinions and feelings do matter. They always have and they always will. Not only do they matter, but they are important. Don't ever forget to listen to what your heart is telling you. I hope you never see a day when you are afraid to do that. I hope you never encounter a situation in which you feel it is not ok to express your needs. And I hope, that if you do, you know that I will be there to support in you in any way that I can.

You are a beautiful person. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. In retrospect, anyone in my life who has was either jealous of something I had, or a miserable and self-loathing person who needed to put other people down. But because I remember hearing that and it not helping, I hope you also know that it's ok to get mad. It's ok to fight back. It's ok to fall back on those that love you for reinforcement. And it's ok to cry. It's ok to be unhappy, or unsure. It's ok to be confused. It's ok to be happy. It's ok to laugh. It's ok to know what you want. It's ok to like the person that you are. It's ok to be smart. It's ok to be different. It's ok to be your own person. It's also ok to be like other people. It's normal to want to fit in, it's normal to be unique.

Remember that friends will have ups and downs but no true friend will ever intentionally put you down, so don't put up with their shit. It's ok to stick up for yourself. It's ok to stick up for others. It's also ok to walk away.

Never be afraid to be a loving person. And may it be some comfort to you to know that down the road, it won't matter what kind of clothes you wore, or the music you listened to, but the person that you were and the way you treated yourself, and those around you.

Don't ever be afraid or ashamed of making mistakes. Mistakes are the biggest lessons in disguise. Embrace them and learn from them instead of hiding from them. It is what we do with the things we stumble across in life that makes it a positive or a negative journey. So make the most of it!

Know that when you need someone, I am here. And if I am not who you need, there is a large network of people that are loving you, and cheering you on, waiting in the wings to support you in what ways they can. You are an inspiration.

Savor your existence. Take chances. Make decisions boldly. And be safe! Listen to what your mind and heart tell you is right for you, and go for it! When you stumble, dust yourself off and get back up. Or sit out for a round or two and rest. Remember to take care of yourself.

I write this now as you are 5 years old and I am so blessed to be your mom. And proud of you. You have such a big and beautiful personality, and you know yourself so well already. Your teachers in pre-k tell me how well you stick up for yourself, and what a good friend, bright child you are. I see that too. I love you, and I love every minute with you. Even the power struggles. You have taught me so much about myself, about you, and about the world around us and I look forward to watching you grow and make your place in this world. You are so smart, and lovable and fun. You have saved my life.

swallowed by my brain

This term is going to be a big one. It is the end of the first week and I have an overwhelming amount of work to do. But it is all fun, and I am hoping it stays that way. My anatomy class gets major points from opening the term with a brain dissection which was a trip and a half. But very cool. And my global health class is going to be stretching me to think outside of my privileged white person box, which is always an exciting, albeit uncomfortable at times, experience.

The other thing life has been full of lately is a selective process of letting people in, and it's really nice. I am really beginning to realize the depth of trauma I walked away from when I left my childs father. Not just from the relationship, but from becoming a mother, and the changes that brought to me and my life as well. I have said this quite often, that she saved my life, and she really did. Being a mom has forced me to examine my relationship with myself intensely the last few years, and to learn all over who I am, and what kind of life I would like to lead. These things have led to a lot of distance between a lot of friends and myself. The process of letting go is never an easy one, but with the perspective I have gained, it is a little easier to be at peace with the decisions some people make. When I shifted my priorities in life to my child, I think a lot of people in my life took it as a statement of disapproval of their lifestyle because there are just situations I will not bring my daughter into. (When all you do is have party after party, you generally won't see your friends that are single parents, especially if said parents feel that exposing children to excessive drinking, drug use and adult situations is inappropriate. Logic, who knew, right?)

Lately, in my reflecting I have let go of the hurt that came with realization that some of my friends were not comfortable being close to someone with a child, someone who no longer drank, someone who was at a different stage in life. I am also learning to let go of the guilt I feel for intentionally putting mental, emotional and physical space between myself and people whom I used to consider dear friends, but that now, don't feel like healthy precenses in life. It took me a long time to get to this place. Especially when above mention unhealthy presences tried to hold on to an Amber that was no longer there. I have done a lot of changing and growing in the last five years since becoming a mom. I am happy with the person I am now, and secure with the continuing process that life is. I look forward to seeing where I continue to change and learn and grow. And I relish the fact that I have finally reached a point where the presence of other people is something I genuinely want, and seek out. And that there are filters in place to be respectful enough of myself to not get close to just anyone there, but to people that really do add something positive.

Ok, enough with the touching emo moment. The other cool thing about right now? A really cute, nervous boy kissed me the other night.