My daughter has now been at her dad's house for four nights. I get to pick her up tomorrow. For some background, she goes back and forth every five days, and it kills me. It's not that I don't want her to have an equal chance at a relationship with her father, because I truly do. It is painful being away from her for such long periods of time. By the fourth day I find myself at a loss of what to do to distract myself. After spending most of the past five years with her tied to my body, asleep in my arms, or working to support her, I find myself a little lost in all this. As a full time student (who is on spring break right now which is quite possibly the reason it is hitting me so hard) I no longer have a job to distract me in my down time. (Not that I am complaining. School is an opportunity I love and craved before I went back.) I can smell her in the house, and at night, when I am sitting at the computer, or trying to be an artist, I swear that I hear her stirring in bed, or calling out for me to come cuddle with her. This is it. I think I finally found a downside to attachment parenting. I am only half serious there. But really. When I found out that I was pregnant, I threw myself into the role of mother. I love being a mom and feel that it is one of the things I was absolutely meant to do with my life. But after living my life for my child, this new found spare time to be an adult, be my own person, it's a little scary. What do I do with myself? This is all compounded by the fact that my mother is still living with me and my home doesn't feel as much like a home when I have no space of my own anymore. Maybe that is a little extreme. I have made home where my little one is, so where is my home when she is at her other home? Ideally, it would still be the same home that exists when Em is home. But my mom makes personal space a hard thing to find. But I digress. Mom is a subject for another blog entry.

When I left my child's father he was not ready to be a single parent that held actual parenting responsibility. And no, it wasn't for lack of trying. He refused to take her overnight, much to my anxiety ridden relief. So we worked up to it gradually. There have been several times in the past few years that I have had second thoughts about pushing him to step into that role so persistently, but I don't regret it. However, what I do wish I had done better is built up to splitting her time between us in a smarter and healthier way. Because he was not ready to take her we ended up starting with one night a week once he thought he could manage. Then two. Then every other weekend. This resulted in two nights here, one night there, one night here, two nights there. A very chaotic schedule for a child to adapt to. So right around Christmas time we started the five days plan. Eventually we will work up to a full week, but right now I don't think anyone is ready for it. I'm not. She isn't, and as much as I would like to have faith in him, I don't think he is ready to have her that long. Maybe he is and I only pick up what a neurotic and nervous mother would be looking for. Although, for my sake and my therapists reputation, I hope I am getting better at that.

So the plan for day four of my time away with her...buy books for next term, go to yoga, and catch a movie at the new cheap theater in town. Wish me luck. It would be really nice to find a group of parents that are experiencing, dealing, or figuring out similar situations.