This term is going to be a big one. It is the end of the first week and I have an overwhelming amount of work to do. But it is all fun, and I am hoping it stays that way. My anatomy class gets major points from opening the term with a brain dissection which was a trip and a half. But very cool. And my global health class is going to be stretching me to think outside of my privileged white person box, which is always an exciting, albeit uncomfortable at times, experience.
The other thing life has been full of lately is a selective process of letting people in, and it's really nice. I am really beginning to realize the depth of trauma I walked away from when I left my childs father. Not just from the relationship, but from becoming a mother, and the changes that brought to me and my life as well. I have said this quite often, that she saved my life, and she really did. Being a mom has forced me to examine my relationship with myself intensely the last few years, and to learn all over who I am, and what kind of life I would like to lead. These things have led to a lot of distance between a lot of friends and myself. The process of letting go is never an easy one, but with the perspective I have gained, it is a little easier to be at peace with the decisions some people make. When I shifted my priorities in life to my child, I think a lot of people in my life took it as a statement of disapproval of their lifestyle because there are just situations I will not bring my daughter into. (When all you do is have party after party, you generally won't see your friends that are single parents, especially if said parents feel that exposing children to excessive drinking, drug use and adult situations is inappropriate. Logic, who knew, right?)
Lately, in my reflecting I have let go of the hurt that came with realization that some of my friends were not comfortable being close to someone with a child, someone who no longer drank, someone who was at a different stage in life. I am also learning to let go of the guilt I feel for intentionally putting mental, emotional and physical space between myself and people whom I used to consider dear friends, but that now, don't feel like healthy precenses in life. It took me a long time to get to this place. Especially when above mention unhealthy presences tried to hold on to an Amber that was no longer there. I have done a lot of changing and growing in the last five years since becoming a mom. I am happy with the person I am now, and secure with the continuing process that life is. I look forward to seeing where I continue to change and learn and grow. And I relish the fact that I have finally reached a point where the presence of other people is something I genuinely want, and seek out. And that there are filters in place to be respectful enough of myself to not get close to just anyone there, but to people that really do add something positive.
Ok, enough with the touching emo moment. The other cool thing about right now? A really cute, nervous boy kissed me the other night.
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