Credo Week, day one: Who am I?

Who am I?

Who am I in terms of my cultural backround, my gender, my activities, my family and their history? What do the things I really enjoy say about who I am? What is my religious story, from childhood til now? Are there some beliefs I held when I was young that aren't true for me now? How have I become the person I am today? What experiences and beliefs have shaped me? Where is my life journey headed? (questions brought to you by Credo Week on facebook found here)

Answering the question of who I am conjures of images of who I used to be, and who I want to be, all of which mixes into a blur of who I am right now. It's fluid, I am constantly changing. That is one of the beautiful parts of this life I have been given, I am constantly provided with the opportunity to reassess who I am, where I am, and what I am doing. It brings me great joy to know that I can change that and it's not only alright, but a wonderful thing!

But who am I really? I am me. A woman learning more and more everyday to embrace femininity. I am a mother. First and foremost to my beautiful little girl, but also to the world at large. My gift to this world, or one of them, is my capacity to love and care for those who need it. It is in my passion to feed people. Not just food that sustains them, but to feed their souls, their minds, and their hearts. It is found in my desire to know what is behind tremendous acts of faith or displays of love. It resides in my ability to listen and feel the emotion behind the words. And it hides in the quiet embrace of spirit that I strive to feel all around me. I have discovered these gifts within me as a bi-product of being raised with a broken, dysfunctional, hilarious, marvelous family. One that destroys itself out of habit, has offensive and violent dedication to things that don't make sense. One that has faith, when convenient, and opinions galore. One that has hurt and neglected me. And one that has loved and held me. Climbing through the anger and pain to be able to see the beauty has taught me that this gift of who I am, it is because I who I was, who they are. I have the strength, and wisdom that I do because of them. I have the empathy and compassion in spite of them. And I appreciate the true gems found among them because of the failings of the rest.

I began life thoroughly confused by religion and God. The institution of church felt cold, uninviting and mandatory. God felt vengeful and unloving, a suspicious father figure waiting for the inevitable moment when I would display that I was, in fact, a bad person. Why would a diety create a body of people only to set them up for failure and eternal damnation? How was this a loving creator? As I got older, I realized I didn't ascribe as completely to the tenets of faith that those around me did. I craved more on a personal level. If I was going to follow God, I wanted to have a good long conversation with him before I turned over my soul to his care. My mother, bless her, never did what others tried to do, which is tell me what God's answers would be to my demands and questions. The acceptability and encouragement of spiritual exploration led me down many paths over the years and somewhere along the lines I realized I was a Unitarian Universalist. A community of love and respect, with the freedom to choose what I believe. It is through this open acceptance that I have felt the safety to question what I believe, to open up to myself and others about my doubts, my fears, and my joys. The resources to explore what other paths are out there that support my own personal spiritual growth. This has taught me to be confident in the life I choose to lead. This has provided me with a loving spiritual home to fall back upon when I need it most. And it has given me an avenue in which to give. To serve. It is through this service that I have felt most connected with a web of life, with Spirit. I can't define precisely what kind of diety I believe in, but I know that I have not found it in someone else's bible or law. I know it is there because of the serene and perfect moments in life in which I have felt it. And because of the moments which I refused to believe in it, yet found it was still there. I have felt it most often through the spirit of love and the way in which it enters and blesses my life. Through the people that I know, and the challenges I have.

I give because I love. I learn because I thirst. I write because I long to connect and share. I love because of what I have received in life. I am still standing because of my courage to keep climbing through the tears and laughter of love, hate, confusion, despair, contentedness, joy, sadness and ambiguity of life.

It is impossible to define who I am without defining the world around me and everything in it, because it has all contributed to the maze inside of me. But whatever it is, whoever I am, or wherever I end up, it will be amazing and beautiful.