Over the last few years or more, I have put a focus on being really intentional about the people I let into my life. And this has done me much good. I have let go of some really unhealthy relationships, and made peace with situations that were beyond my control. But there are a few people that I have held close to me through out all of this because I really like the idea of them in my life, of the way it feels when they are actually present in my life. At one time, all of these people were very vital parts of my life. I couldn't differentiate between what used to be and what is now without feeling like I was disrespecting where they used to stand within my heart. This has taught me a great deal about the lengths I will go for people sometimes.

But I can only stretch so far for some of these people. Recently I realized that through my efforts to keep one particular person in my life, I have kept in my mind an idea of who we used to be around each other. And I used to be someone very different. Such as, my tendency to be a door mat to certain people. And my tendency to put ungodly amounts of effort into certain people and not enough into others. I have been done with that part of me for so long, but in failing to see the bigger picture and possibility, I have become her again around this person. I am not going to be the one that makes all the effort anymore. I am letting go of sole responsibility for maintaining these friendships so that I can free up some energy to direct to people who are capable of acting like they give a damn. And I am *really* tired of the arrogance that comes along with some people thinking that because they aren't here, my life sucks ass.

I am ready to cultivate more reciprocal relationships in my life. And I don't mean just letting people in that will give back what they are getting (even though that's cool too), but relationships that of mutual benefit and respect. I am ready for people in my life that are there throughout, not just when they are lonely or have nothing better to do. I am demanding that I treat people in my life with more respect, and I am demanding that the people in my life treat me with more as well.

This post wasn't meant to sound like an epic declaration. Just a reminder to myself that it's ok to let these people go. Because I am tired of the drama and the pain that comes with trying to keep these people around. No more fairweather friends.

My inner craft nerd

Ok. So. I am not a quilter. My mom has been going on and on for a long long while about how great she thinks quilting is and it always makes my eyes glaze over, just like budget meetings. So then the other day she mentions this quilting bee. Where you buy your fabric, sent bits to participants and they each make you a quilting block. Then they send them back and you have a whole quilts worth of blocks to put together. And then the next person sends out their fabric and on and on. Why this sounds so much more interesting than just making my own damn quilt, I have no idea. But I am so excited about it. This worried me for a moment, as everytime I throw myself into a new hobby that I cared nothing about before it is usually to avoid something in my life. SO I sat with this for abit and decided that it's really just that I love the idea that I get a little peice of something handmade from a bunch of people I know and care about, and I get to peice it together, and it keeps me warm and happy. And that I get to help create something like this for other people.

Plus, once I found this fabric, I knew I had to do it, because who can resist these twisted little love birds and bunnies?

I arrived at the young adult con this weekend feeling mildly stressed out and very distant. I have so much work to do lately, and spiritually speaking I have been very confused. I have had this idea in my head that I don't feel at home in any of the communities that I used to. So much of my interactions with the young adult community in the past have been colored with expectations and entitlement issues and drama that I got weary of, and I felt that for the most part, most of the community, while absolutely full of wonderful people, were people that I couldn't relate to or that were at completely different places than I am.

I drove home after the conference feeling cradled and supported with love and caring.

Isn't it nice when we are wrong about things like this?

On the way home, I also got a new tattoo. Now, most people view tattoos as body decoration or rebellious moments in life. Mine are spiritual, all three. But this third one was by far the most spiritual and meaningful experience out of all of them. Coming from a community that reminded me of the incredible support that can be found in this world, and of the spirit that dwells everywhere, I was tattooed by a very dear friend of mine, which is a first as far as my tattoos go. I was surrounded by some very good friends, which was also a first. And the work that I was getting done is so intricately tied to my life the last five years and seeing the lessons I have learn now there on my arm as a reminder to me, it's just so...meaningful. It was a little like childbirth. I had Vanessa holding on to me in one place, and Elona stroking my arm. Both were talking to me, and giving me room to breathe. In some ways, it was a nice lesson in letting others support me through my pain. Others may think that sounds silly, but I have so completely isolated myself in my pain and my challenges the last few years that I put a whole new meaning to "going it alone". Surrendering to the physical pain I was experiencing was a release, and feeling the presence of those around me holding me and loving me, it's something I have forgotten how to feel until now.

On the whole, I feel so much less alone. And I am reminded that the magic in life finds me in the most unexpected of places.

I have great people in my life. I just thought you all should know that.

I have been on this high-productivity binge lately that I am really kind of loving. I wonder how long this will last? I know I am not the only one because one of said great people mentioned above, Lizzy, mentioned it in her blog today too. (By the way, she is made of awesome.) It feels pretty bad ass, but maybe that is just because I was really done with feeling like I did for days on end was sit? Don't get me wrong, embracing my inner sloth was a wonderful, informative experience, and I really perfected my gluten free oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipe, but it's nice to know that circulation still works once I remove myself from the butt groove I have created in front of the computer and on the couch.

My energy levels have always come in little spurts, but lately it is just like a productivity God spewed some life into me or something. I think a lot of it has to do with putting so much focus on m health lately, and really focusing on what I am putting into my body. Eliminating gluten and drastically reducing my sugar intake has made me feel so amazing, but I didn't realize just how great until I threw it all out the window this weekend and ate all the crap I have been avoiding, practically in one sitting. Talk about feeling like a slug! And my skin broke out. I have always been a pretty healthy eater. Or, I have been ever since becoming a mom, but there is something different about it this time, and I think it is because I am really invested in feeling better about my life, versus trying to be a good model so that someone else doesn't feel like I do, or treat themselves the way I have. Not that positive role modeling isn't a good thing, it really REALLY is, but it just feels different when it is coming from this place. As soon as I got all that junk out of my system and ate a really awesome and wholesome meal, I felt better and my energy levels were right back up where they had been the previous days. Anyhow, we all benefit from it because I feel better, so I am more pleasant to be around and everyone else is happier too.

Today two friends of mine who live in New York came to visit and I must say that watching someone I have known for like 15 years meet my kid for the first time is just about the cutest. Nothing boosts a momma's pride like being able to show off how awesome her child is. But it is interesting to me that lately, so many people from my past have come back into my life in one way for another. And not those "oh-my-gawd, how on earth did they find me?" people, but the "oh! i am so happy you called because I was pretty sure I would never talk to you ever again!" people. I'd like to think that it is a sign of some sort, or a reward for being so intentional about life lately. But maybe it is just coincidence triggered by the alignment of awesome and nostalgia? (I know that statement made no sense, sorry.) Whatever it is, I am pretty happy with life lately.

And. I have new hair. And I hate taking pictures of myself...

renewing myself

Ahhh, spring. I love this time of year. Especially before the pollen starts trying to rearrange my DNA through my nose. I love that it is light until almost 8pm. I love that there are flowers out, and birds, and I can officially start my garden.

This year spring seems especially pivotal in my life. I have made changes that have been a long time coming, I am focusing on parts of my life I have been hiding from the past few years, and I am moving in a direction that feels right. Renewal at it's most invigorating.

This weekend my best friend came into town and on the day of the equinox, we went for a hike out in the woods. Being surrounded my trees and the running water, it was so grounding. But more than that, it was incredible to be surrounded by such beauty, with someone, but in silence. So often life gets so filled with noise and I don't realize how overwhelming that is for me, or how it only lends to a feeling of lonliness because the noise serves as a barrier. Silence is so powerful.

I am looking forward to the experience the Universe throws my way in the coming months. I am starting my own business, going to a chaplaincy training, going for an adventure in New York City, and have been emerging back into communities I thought I had left behind long ago but am realizing now that I just needed to be there on my own terms, not someone else's expectations.

Isn't life grand?


Oh-and, have I mentioned that I get all impulsive and experimental around my best friend? I cut off my hair and put some red in it. It's pretty fun.

Post Run Reflections

So, on a blog I used to keep I had a tag called 'listastic-ness' because sometimes lists are the manner in which my brain functions and organizes things. Such as right now. I have been making an effort to start running again, and to do it in the morning because the last time I ran in the evening I was up until 4am due to post-run endorphin rush.

-Running in the morning? This is cool, I can do this. I like birds, and I like hearing them sing to me and I prance down the road.

-Wearing sunglasses while running? Not so much. Specifically my sunglasses that are meant for someone whose noggin is slightly wider than mine. The bounce of them as I run makes me feel like someone slipped something in my morning green smoothie.

-Man, all that sugar I ate last night made my head fill with snot. Hmm. So that's what sugar does to me. Good to know. Approaching mile two thinking about this, the cookies from last night were less worth it.

-Running with music=epic win. "Someday", that elusive day, I will put together a really awesome playlist with songs like 'Eye of The Tiger' and 'Greatest Man that Ever Lived' and 'Starfuckers, Inc.'. For now I will settle for the jumble of songs that itunes, the fickle bitch that it is, allowed me to put on the shuffle.

-Big skittish dogs + low fences? Not my friend. I mean, a heightened heart rate is beneficial and all, but give. me. a. fucking. heart attack. will ya?

-I need something to cover my ears. I think when they ache like they are trying to tell me they are cold.

I think that setting our intentions is a valuable exercise in life. They are a little different that New Years Resolutions. Which is good because I don't really ever make those. But setting intentions is putting out into the Universe what you are wanting to cultivate and work towards in your life. And I have some big ones right now.

1) I am going to become more financially stable over the next 12 months. I am going to do this by being open and available for any means of making/receiving money that align with my values. I will start looking for a part time job that fits my schedule and isn't flipping burgers at a fast food joint. And I am opening my own health coaching business this summer.

2) I am going to get the most out of this awesome education that I have the opportunity to receive.

3) I am only going to let the energy that I need and is beneficial to me into my life.

I think that is enough for now. There are birds singing outside and taunting me to come out and play...