Show me what is possible

"Touch me with the mornin sun,
when I feel impossible,
show me what is possible,
teach me love invincible."
(Michael Franti)

This morning I woke up to a beam of sunlight shining straight onto my chest, my heart. It was a cloudy morning, the birds rejoicing with song, and a tiny break in the clouds that I was blessed enough to feel. It is moments like these that leave me feeling a little more humble than the day before.

I have been feeling a little helpless lately. I am having an educational crisis in that I have no idea what to major in to accomplish what I want to. There are so many choices, none quite fit what I want to do. I have been feeling such an extreme lack of space at points that I found myself driving the other night just for the sake of feeling the wind brush my face as I sped down the road, so I could feel the space and movement. I am at peace with my decisions to cut certain people out of my life, yet am still dealing with the sorrow of letting go. I am confident and steady as a single person, yet it would be really nice to have someone to curl up next to. I just am not ready to let anyone in. (I am very proud of myself for recognizing that though, and honoring it.)

Last night as I was doing yoga at 3am (insomniacs R'us) I felt all this stress welling up inside of me. It isn't all a bad kind of stress, more of a growing kind of stress, but it is taking it's toll in the sense that my mind won't shut off. As has happened often in times of growth, as I knelt into child's pose, something inside of me burst and tears were rolling down my face. It felt like such a relief to be letting some of it go. I realized I have been feeling like I need to hold a certain composure and air of stability because the other people in my life lately are all experiencing crisis and seeking solace or words of advice and I felt that me breaking down was not an option. I wouldn't let myself express my worries because I felt I had to be the strong one, yet in being strong, I started to ignore myself, forgetting parts of the path I chose to take, hence leading to the helpless feeling. As I stood and entered into mountain pose, the moonlight got brighter, it felt like she was shining right at me, and I was comforted. Suddenly exhausted, I closed my session, and went to bed. I dreamt of my Grandma Emily. We were sitting in her yard, in the grass, looking at the moon. My grandmother said to me "She wants you to know that in acknowledging your weakness, you only grow stronger." She smiled. "And I want you to know that we love you, and are here. Once you let yourself be who you are, all of who you are, and free up the space in your mind and heart, you will be able to hear us and see us better. We are here."

Woah.

Sometimes, the answers we seek have the strangest, yet most awesome, ways of creeping into our consciousness. I am yet again reminded how blessed my life is to be cradled my so much spirit and love, I only need to slow down and breathe to be able to see it, and hear it.