Note to Self

Dear Wonderful Self,
I know if felt really awesome to get back out there and run yesterday evening, but you were so amped up that the endorphins were wreaking havoc on my ability to sleep last night. I feel no sorrow for you as you contemplate how awful that dull ache behind your sleep-deprived eyes is. Ok, maybe a little because I have to put up with it too, but still.

If you are going to take such good care of yourself that you have all this awesome energy, can we please make it happen during daylight when the rest of the world expects me to be a functioning unit? Not that being up and cleaning at 3am because there was nothing else to do was such a bad experience, but being up and feeling hung over without having had a drop of alcohol really kind of sucks.

I am sure we can navigate this bump in our relationship and will have many more years of a happy union.
Yours Truly,
Your Self.

Breaking through sloth

The sloth-like behavior was nice for a time but it began to be too much. SO! I went for a run. My first real run since my knee injury a few months ago, which I didn't really blog about because the whole thing was just so gracefully ridiculous.

Anyhow. I ran. And it was awesome. I decided to start the Couch to 5k program over again, so I started with week one. It was much easier than I could have hoped for this time around. Maybe that is because it isn't 95 degrees outside.

I had dinner with a good friend tonight and as we sat talking and catching up on this crazy life I realized something. I am happy. Not that I wasn't happy before, but for the first time in a while, my stress and my problems aren't defining me because I'm not letting them. There is plenty I could complain about, but I don't really want to. It is a relief to realize I have reached this point in my life.

Also, I would just like to say, for the record, that the Avett Brothers are awesome.

Oh dear...

Is it possible to overdose on lazy? Because I think I may be on the brink.

In Which She Accomplishes Nothing

I have done absolutely nothing today except rock the sweat pants in a sexy manner, and read fluffy books that take no brain power. And cook food for myself. The only thing saving me from making and then eating an entire batch of cookies right now is the fact that I am out of sugar and have no chocolate chips. And the sweat pants make a persuasive argument for staying home. Besides. I have hot chocolate.

Some of you may be wondering what has sent me into hermititude and depression, but before the picture show in your head gets too far, let me tell you, I SO deserve this down time. It's finals week after all. And, I entered myself in the "mom of the year" contest this weekend letting Em have a sleep over (I even over heard the "your mom is so cool. my mom isn't special like yours, shes a different special though...), then hosting three children and four grown adults for the day (I cooked AND had a clean kitchen when all said and done. I am currently pondering just what super-human influence allowed me to accomplish this in my lazy stupor), and hung out with my mother the following day. Which was nice. But I was tired.

I woke up this morning with stuff to do. I got out of bed and did the most important, which is good because it means I continue to have a place to live. I promptly came home, thought of what else I should be doing, put my pajamas back on and curled up with my book. Maybe tomorrow I will work on my book some more and finish up that last assignment so I can take my online final. And maybe I will go grocery shopping, but I have enough vegetable matter in my fridge for a few days, so maybe not. I have rather enjoyed being lazy.

Happy Monday.

in/peccare

I have been receiving a lot of messages in life recently. Most of them are telling me to ignore people in one way or another. The attitude people project and the way they treat people is a projection of what is inside of them, and the way they feel about themselves. I think this is so valuable to remember. How many times has the way I am feeling about myself colored my feelings and actions towards other people? More than I care to admit. I am the kind of person who tends to take things really personally. There are certain people in my life with whom it is a constant struggle to not walk away from interactions with them angry or hurt. It helps me to remember just how miserable they are inside. (Not that I assume all assholes are miserable inside, but the ones I know well really are miserable inside.) It is not my responsibility to account for their misery, nor is it to make them feel better, or take some of the toxic load off of their shoulders. I am responsible for myself.

I was recently given a copy of "The Four Agreements" based on Toltec wisdom. The first agreement is to be impeccable with my words. Sounds simple enough right? The word comes from the latin word impeccabilis. In- (without) and -peccare (to sin). Sin is not only a biblicial thing, but an intent, a presence of malice. So to be impeccable with my words is to be without judgement, or falsity. (Is falsity a word? It is now...) To have an intent of positivity or gentleness. Not only with others, but with myself. This affects the way I interact with myself and with others. The way I approach, engage, and respond.

I have been working on this the last week or two. This and not internalizing the negativity of others. The pleasant side effect of this is that it has helped me cultivate positive attitudes and presence in life. I have this vision that can only be described as vitality. An attitude and feeling in life that I strive for. A way of life. A way of serving others. A way of being. It is closer. I can feel it.

Clearing out the pantry

As spring approaches, and as I delve into my happiness project, I have been experiencing the strong urge to declutter my life. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. What an overwhelming task. I have lived in my home for 5 years now. It's the longest I have ever lived in one place in my entire life. I love that fact. But what I have learned is that being stationary enables me to collect more "stuff". Piles of old mail have hidden themselves away on shelves, in nooks, and crannies. Notes from friends, lovers, and nemeses stored away because I wanted to keep them for one reason or another. The good ones were to remind me of the happiness, warmth and love. The negative ones were most likely being saved for a court date. Knick knacks, copious amounts of art work, and other kidlet stuff are abound. Way too many shoes. Clothes that have been on the hanger so long they literally have collected dust. More yarn that I will ever need. Camping gear. And all of this, just in my bedroom closet. It's ridiculous. I spent three hours in there today. Three garbage bags of recycling, two of clothes, one of paper needing to be shredded and then recycled, one giant one of craft supplies, and two of random knick knacks. It's organized. It's spacious. It's awesome. As I dropped off the donations and dumped the recycling, I felt so light and airy that I wanted to dance.

I realized something today. I started out with the intention of clearing my physical clutter because at first glance that would be the easiest to tackle. However, I noticed that most of my physical clutter is tied to me emotionally in some way. It makes perfect sense, but it was an AHA moment for me. Letting it all go was such a relief, yet also a very emotional experience for me. Reading through letters I was reminded how wonderful the people in my life are, and how some of those connections have disappeared. Going through clothes and jewelry I forgot I even owned I was reminded of occasions in which they were worn. Some good, some bad. The most difficult was the journal of dealings and goings on between my childs father and I right after I left. Reading the things he did or said put me right there all over again. Being able to look at all of these experiences, and then let them go, or put them away, was so freeing!

I have always been a sentimental person. I have a piece of yarn that was part of a worship service at a youth con where I met my two best friends at when I was 15. I have stupid overwhelming stacks of pictures from all different parts of my life. But today I noticed that while it's nice to be able to look back at theses things, it weighs me down more than I'd like. Maybe I have romaticized parts of my past, and that interferes with my present because nothing now is as good as what I created in my mind as 'then'. Also, knowing that there were piles of old bills, invoices, pay stubs was so depressing. Seeing them was like adding one more weight to my shoulders. That constant reminders of the money I owe, the money I don't have, the money I wasn't smart with. I don't need that hanging over my day. Throwing out the paper part of those lessons doesn't mean I will have learned less from my experiences in the past. I still have that in me.

Also, seeing so much evidence of my work and my progress makes me feel like a bad ass!

Happiness Project Launch Party....er...blog post!

This book really kicked me in the ass and got me to thinking. So much of life is spent working towards something in the future. I get caught up in that. "Once I do ____, or make ____, or go to _____, life will be happier!" I have a great life! I am happy right now! But I could be spending so much more time on NOW then I do. I was to appreciate life more, enjoy it more, spend more time savoring the now so that when I hit hard times, I have this to carry me through it.

So, I am starting my own little happiness project. I started by making a list of my own personal commandments to abide by, writing down some Secrets to Adulthood that I already know, and swimming in the essence of the Happiness Manifesto that I just posted in the previous entry. I have a couple resolutions to get me going on the first couple of months, and I am excited to see where this takes me!

My personal commandments of happiness are:

• Be Amber
• Let tomorrow come tomorrow
• Act the way I want to feel
• Remember the days are long but the years are short-savor it all now
• Be good to myself and others everyday
• Embrace the need to write
• Do it now
• Enjoy the process
• There is only love

My first month's resolution? Create more vitality and energy in life. I will be clearing out clutter of the physical, emotional, and mental kind. I will be taking superb care of myself. I am so very intrigued by this and cannot wait to see where it goes. Cheers!

you can learn more about or start your own happiness project using tools and outlines found at www.happinessprojecttoolbox.com.