Someday...

I have recently ended my relationship with my significant other. This was a very painful process. Not only because it's painful anytime something important ends, but because some of what he was, was everything I thought I had wanted.

And yet, I felt suffocated. I was yearning for time of my own. I had forgotten what it felt like to spend an extended period of time doing whatever happened to cross my mind at any given moment.

What I am now facing within my head, is that desire to have the intimate companionship and dealing with the fact that I feel like I want it only on my terms. I wonder if there is a place in me that will be ready to compromise. I am ok with not doing that right now. I am excited about this phase in my life. I just wonder if someday....

Indulgences

This weekend is the first weekend I have spent doing whatever I please in way too long. Sure there are a million things I should be doing, most of them work related, but something the new crispness that fall has left in the air makes me more defiant than usual, and the result has been lovely. I had made plans earlier in the week out of a feeling of obligation. When the weekend rolled around I just couldn't do it. So what precisely have I been doing?

I read Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk while laying in bed and eating bread and cheese until three am.

I crafted two items for a swap I am in on Craftster, and finished a baby blanket for a friend.

I went craft shopping and overindulged, which felt exquisite.

I started a hat for the aforementioned baby.

I sketched a magpie for a painting.

I have been drinking a lot of tea.

Lots of pajama wearing.

Had lunch with an old and amazing friend.

Had breakfast with a friend.

This morning I woke up on my own at 8am-ish, and layed around for a few hours reading Eat, Pray, Love. And so far the book is amazing. I can tell it is going to spur one of those periods of utter spirituality seeking in my life. I am ok with that.

I had conversation with someone who lives too far away, and who soon, will be even farther away fighting in a dessert.

Now, I am going to plan a trip to Seattle, and paint a magpie. And maybe crochet a hat.

Tonight, I am going to demonstrate just how crazy I am by taking 12 youth to the haunted corn maze and I am going to love every single moment of it. Especially the part at the end when I make up my mind about whether to get the kettle corn or the caramel apple.

Frustration is bound to ensue...

Me: *rolls eyes as I pass by the Students for McCain table

Pompous ass at the McCain table: You registered to vote?

Me: oh yeah

Pompous Ass: Got a minute to hear about a man who stands for change?

Me: Nope, sure don't!

Chick at McCain table: How can you as a woman not have a moment in this historic election to give it a thought?

Me: Oh, I've thought about it. I am just pretty damn sure I'm not voting for McCain/Palin.

Chick: Why wouldn't you vote for her? The first woman vice president! *tune it all out, don't want to hear about it* mavericks!

Me: Did you seriously just say that? Maverick? Did you know that while she was the mayor of Wasilla, they started charging rape victims for the rape kits they use to treat them in the hospital?

*Chicky's mouth drops. Whispers something into Pompous ass's ear*

As I am walking away, I hear him say "It's in Alaska"


This is what scares me folks. The number of women out there voting for McCain/Palin just because Palin is a woman. Does this make them feel like they now have their "gender equality badge"? Because if you check the number of institutions, environments, social mindsets that are women friendly in the country you would find that we all fail....assuming that putting a woman in the white house just because we feel like it is a huge step up for women could be the greatest mistake we as voters could make. Just because she has charm does not make her fit for the white house. I mean, I can be damn friendly when I really want to, throw in a wink or two and I am downright pleasing. That doesn't make me a good candidate. But I certainly wouldn't make victims of sexual crimes pay for their own damn treatment kits in the hospital before they receive any treatment! WAKE UP PEOPLE!

In the last 24 hours I have come into contact with numerous people from my past. This always seems to happen in waves. I realize this is partly due to the fact that internet social sites spread information like a disease and what not, but its still a little strange. One of these people is 'the first love' figure. Now, there is an angsty and torrid history there that involves lots of gossip, making out, indecision, and someone losing their virginity in the back of a van at a conference to a girl the other person had a crush on. (go figure). Curiosity is getting the best of me and making me wonder what it's all about. Not just him, but all of them. I mean, I regularly think of certain key figures in my past, but I just figure that was more just me being a human rolodex that clings to memories. (And I mean that in the most endearing sort of way...) I guess I never figured that I would be in someone else's mental rolodex...

In other news, I start the couch to 5k program on Thursday, who's excited? The closer it gets, the louder my inner-whiner is getting. It's a lovely battle raging inside me.

life don't need an air-o-plane to chase you down

I have been noticing that lately, I get frustrated a lot easier than normal. My guess is that this comes from sitting at a computer all day long and not doing shit in the way of exercise, with the exception of yoga (which, by the way, kicked my ass last week). So the new conclusion is this: I must get some real exercise. And I am too cheap to pay for it. I have always had this wierd admiration for running. I am more in love with the idea of it, then with actually doing it. But it occured to me that maybe that is because I have been going about it all wrong. It's like learning to ride a bike, or having sex for the first time-it just akward and sucky. But eventually it gets better. I can't just start running right out of the gate, I need to ease my way into it. I have a friend that is following this couch to 5k program with rave reviews so I figure-eh, why the hell not-it's worth a try. SO! Here's the deal...over the course of nine weeks I will gradually work my way up to running three miles. Which sounds ridiculously overwhelming right now. But like I said above, start slow...
Week one consist of three days of a brisk 5 minute warm up walk and then 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for 30 minutes. I can totally do that! Right? We'll see...I start on Thursday morning...

my yoga teacher

is not who I was hoping she'd be.

It's a lesson in communication. That is how I am choosing to look at it. We walk into the studio, and there is way too much incense which automatically gives me a headache, luckily she puts it out before we begin. However, this being the first class of the session, you would assume that an instructor would spend time asking questions like "do you have any injuries you are recovering from, or sensitive areas?" One would assume that you would certainly do this before going and stepping on someones hands while in downward dog and shoving their shoulders in and up.

Golly gee, thanks, I had totally forgot what it felt like to make that shoulder injury flare up, thanks.

I did have a little chat with her. I was nice, I was polite. Which was a big feat considering how neaseous I felt.

We will see what happens next week. I am pretty particular about my stress relieving techniques NOT causing more stress, yes I know, outrageous standards, but what can ya do?

time makes you older/children get older

Stepping into the church I was hit like a battering ram into the stomach with memories haunting me. Memories from a past I can't let go, and memories from a past I don't want to remember. How do those two become so intertwined?

I sat in the courtyard with a group of people that has not sat together since I was 15. That was more than 10 years ago. Ten years. What have I been doing since then? A lot. More than I could put into a 20 minute life update a memorial allows for. I walked away from that circle filled with questions about these dear people I don't keep in touch with, and a yearning for these connections to maintain between the weddings and funerals that seem to be increasing in frequency.

I was struck by the maturity of his 5 year old daughter, who requested to be the first to light a candle in his honor. She walked up there and told everyone how much she loved her dad, and that no amount of missing him, and wishing he were back, would actually bring him back. But that she would still always love him and he would always love her.

This man filled the world with music and love beyond wonder.