With Sepia-Toned Loving

After my grandmother's death, we had to go into her house to look for insurance papers and other information for the death certificate. I remember being so absolutely numb about the whole experience until I opened a drawer of her sweaters and her scent hit me like a ton of bricks. It washed over me and into me, it blurred my vision and for a moment it felt as if I was wrapped up in her warmth and love. As the smell faded my heart was left raw, the numbness no where in sight. The next drawer I opened was full of pictures. Memories of a life recorded, with the story left untold. So many smiling faces, some of them I knew, a lot of them I didn't, and still don't. I am generally not one for obtaining a lot of possessions, but I hoarded these pictures fiercely. I snatched up all that I could, taking an armload out to my car. It felt disrespectful to be thinking about what of hers I wanted to take with her death so fresh in my mind and heart.

But I realized something. They are more than just things. They are a life line into my past and a connection to a family I wish I would have held closer. Sorting through them the other day for the first time since I brought them home, I came across one of a 6-year old Joanne, blonde curly ringlets, standing by the ocean with her mother. My daughter was staring at me through those eyes. Last night, Emily and I sat down and I showed her these brittle, black and white relics.

"See, you look so much like your Great Grandma Joanne, look at her hair!"
"And her smile! Look mom! I smile like her!"

Thumbing through these pictures and reliving moments I shared with this woman, stories that she told me, and the magic she brought to my life, I was able for the first time to hold her in my mind with love, and feel at peace with my relationship with her. I was able to remember all the joy, the wisdom, the love and start to release some of the sorrow and pain. Just a little. But it's a start, right?

"Mommy, she's so beautiful! I miss her but I don't remember her...will you tell me more about her?"

This is why I kept the pictures.