I always wonder what people will think after I pass away. What will run through their minds when they are looking through my life's paperwork for any future life insurance that I may have, or momentos that they want to take with them? Tonight we went to my grandma's house to find information we need for the death certificate and the funeral. Years of her life shoved into a drawer waiting for someone to pull them back out and dust them off. Pictures from a life she hasn't lived in 15 or more years. Evidence of creativity lost, hidden old habits, and a life filled with love. I opened one drawer full of old sweaters and I could smell her. It smelled like I remember it smelling when I would nuzzle up to her as a small child. She would pull me in close and surround me with comfort. I remember the way she would swish her plastic camping cup with her white russian it in, the way she would laugh under her breathe, and the sound of her voice when she was feigning a comical disapproval. I can feel her hand guiding mine when she was teaching me my letters. I can see the moo-moo's she used to wear, and I can still remember the way she used to savor chocolate when she would eat her hidden M&M stash.

I cannot believe the circumstances of her passing. I am still in shock. But I have to believe that she is happier. The last ten years of her life have not been the way she would have wanted to live. She is free now. She is Grandma Jo again. But I miss her more than one would think possible.