My child is amazing. She astounds me on a daily basis with her wisdom and love for the world. Her innocent optimism infects me in the best kind of way. I want to fold myself around her and protect her from the things in this world that are going to try and teach her otherwise. What parent wants to watch the world take swing after swing at their babies? If I knew it would work without a) making my child hate me and b) turning me into one of those paranoid, overbearing parents that annoy me so much, I would totally try to ward off all the bad things.
This is one thing in my mind that just aboslutely sucks ass about being a parent. It is completely counter-intuitive to NOT protect our little ones, but in some instances where if we do, we are actually doing our children a huge disservice. Yes, that kid in the lunchroom who made fun of her food allergies set off the Mama Bear in me, but if I were to go and tell him what I really think of his attitude I would embarrass my child, she wouldn't have the opportunity to tell this brat to fuck off in her own little polite and diplomatic way she inherited from lord knows who, and I would probably be barred from the premises. Not to mention I would be setting her up, if this became a pattern, to believe that she doesn't have to know how to and feel comfortable sticking up for herself because there will always be someone there looking out for her best interests. Which, in my experience, is a big fat lie. No one looks out for my best interests other than me. And my mom, sometimes, when I let her. (But really, that is HER idea of MY best interest, which most often just frustrates me because, hello! I am not her! And I have a completely different idea of what my best interests are.)
Part of raising a child to be a capable and functioning individual is to help them learn how to deal with REAL life. And unfortunately, REAL life is painful and unfair, and gross sometimes. But something I am realizing more and more all the time is that because I am able to feel the pain, the disproportionate doling out of resources, and am still able to feel nauseated at the grossness, I am able to appreciate the beauty, the joy, the awesomeness. That being said, there are times when I watch Emily process one of those painful lessons about the world and it literally hurts to not sweep her up in my arms and lullaby the pain away, or tell her that things aren't REALLY the way they are. But at the end of the day, that little shit on the playground who bullied all the other kids to get the good toys still serves as a perfect example that some people on this earth really are selfish individuals, not just having a bad day.
I mean really. Let's examine my options here. 1) I could lie to her all her life about how rosy the world is and then she will spread her wings and go out on her own and BAM! the real world blinds her. 2) I could coddle her through it all, solve the problems for her, not let her do anything for herself and have that grown child in her 30's who hates me for never giving her the room to explore on her own but is too scared from absorbing MY fear and issues with the world that she won't want to give life a go her own way, even if I would let her. And then there is 3) where I try to strike a balance between protecting, or softening the blow and allowing her to try things on her own. Which I am told is the healthiest option by that little voice in my head.
Now, option one is kinda cool because it means that I also would get to pretend, for the next ten years or so, that life is coming up ROSES! I could ignore my own little issues and devote myself to making things nothing but happy and perfect for her. The downside being that, oh yeah, perfect doesn't exist, and even if it does somewhere, it's just more work than I think I am cut out for. Plus, I have friends who were raised in a family where this was the chosen route and boy howdy, can we say 'socially naive to the point of pain'? I don't want my daughter to be so naive when she is an adult that everything less than what I told her the world was causes her pain or confusion. Coming to grips with those situations are hard, whether you are a child or an adult. But the difference is, when you are a child, it is something like "Hey, that kid hasn't yet learned to think of others and is in turn, treating me like poo and taking all the good toys/crackers/swings and saying things that feel awful to hear." To which the supportive adults help her voice what sucks about the situation to that kid, and she learns how to stick up for herself. As an adult it is something more like "Hey, that shithead is selfish and the things he says are manipulative and abusive and degrading to me." Now, I don't know about anyone else but if my adult daughter encounters that second situation in life, which I really hope she never does, I want her to be able to fall back on those less painful situations from growing up that taught her to BELIEVE that she deserves better, and that while people can be shitty, it doesn't mean she has to tolerate them. I want her to know how to walk away and expect better, but not be naive in building her life around her.
And I have no doubt in my mind that I am fully capable of providing option number two. I find myself on the brink of it all the time. It's all innocent now, which is why it is so easy to want to do all the work for her. "You can't reach the napkins and don't want to sit up to do so? Oh, let me get one for you!" or "You can't simply muster the energy to put this pile of dirty clothes in the hamper ten feet down the hall? That's ok, I'll just take them on down, I need to do laundry anyhow." The problem with this is that the situation gradually gets less and less innocent or benign. "Your teacher has you sitting next to someone who cheats off your work and your getting in trouble for it? Well, I'll just march in there and tell him what I think about that" (this is fairly innocent and benign, but what is wrong with your child knowing how to speak up a little and say "I didn't LET him copy my paper!") and then before you know it has become "What? You didn't want to pay that bill four months in a row and now you have no heat? Oh, just let me pay for that for you even though I am broke broke broke!" I know this sounds extreme, but I have seen living examples of this, which is maybe why I am a wee bit sensitive about this one. There is nothing more frustrating to someone who has grown up having to work for what they have than to watch a grown adult not even try to make things work, and just expect that someone will be there to bail them out. I have no problem with help from parents when it is needed but this situation is way too extreme. The child can't stand the parents because they are overbearing, they fret about everything, and they make demands on how the child is living like they have a say. Which you know, if mom and dad are paying Juniors rent every month, maybe they kind of do. But Junior EXPECTS it and is so ungrateful and rude about it that it's painful to watch. Not to mention, what happens when mom and dad really can't fork out the money junior needs? Or talk that infuriated boss/friend/co-worker down? Junior has to be able to cope, yo!
Now, I know that I outline options one and two to the extreme. But bear with me. This brings us to option number three. There will always be situations in which it is appropriate to protect your child from something in life. This is the basis for movie ratings, car seats, and pasteurized dairy products on a very practical level. (Although, really, I couldn't see American Beauty because it was rated R, but I could watch Empire Records which was riddled with messages about gambling, drugs, sex and all sorts of subversive rebellious things that could have potentially given me all sorts of ideas...and have you watched Pee Wee Herman as an adult? Talk about adult content. Sheesh. But I digress). And there will also always be times when it is appropriate to do something for your child. I mean, maybe she really CAN'T reach the napkins, do you really want that neon colored cookie frosting all over your house? I didn't think so. And, what happens when your child DOES stick up to that bully and she gets in trouble for it? Because I know that when my daughter was shamed for asking someone to quit making fun of her lunch, I was more than happy to go to bat for her. I don't want anyone to tell her that it isn't ok to stick up for herself.
So here I am, dancing that balance. And hoping with all my might that I am a good enough balancing act to keep my childs therapy bills on the lower end when she has to work through all the trauma I cause. I can hear it now. "And then *sob* she just stood there while I fumbled for words when this kid *sob* said really awful things to me, and *hiccup* she made me tell him what I thought and felt before she would step in and tell him offfffffff! *more sobbing*"
If you need me, I'll be the parent in the back biting my nails while watching my child give that little snot who kicked her a lesson in what's what.
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